If This Cat is Alive, I Will Give You Money to Kill It

This story is on the cover of today's Washington Post. Seriously. A woman's search for her cat. You have never read more batshit craziness than a woman who is still putting up posters for a cat that went missing three and a half years ago.

The article is really good if you just pretend that the author, Steve Hendrix, is using this crazy woman for laughs. Unfortunately, the tone of the piece is rather serious. Perhaps really thick sarcasm? Let's hope so.

"My assumption is that somehow he's making it," [Maxine] Hillary said. "I just can't believe he's dead. It just doesn't make sense to me."

It makes sense to me. It ran away and then your town was hit by a snowstorm. I am going to conclude that your cat died there. Who knows. Maybe it was hit by a car or eaten by a coyote. I'm still going to bet snowstorm.

"I may be a crazy cat lady one day, but I'm not one yet," she said.

Let's juxtapose that with the following quotes and facts:

~She claims to have spent $4,000 on this certainly dead animal.

~She claims to have lost eight pounds immediately after the stupid pet went missing.

~Check out this craziness:

"As much as we talk about spaying, neutering and vaccinating our pets, we need to talk about what to do when they go missing," said Hillary, who has become an advocate for pet identification programs. "My vet would push toothpaste for cats, but they didn't have a microchip machine."


~She contacted bounty hunters, psychics, and something called the American Society of Dowsers to find her cat.

~She bought an infrared camera and motion detectors to record anything moving in her yard at night.

This article would have been rejected by the Yarmouth Register. What it's doing in the Post, I don't know. Shouldn't these guys be focused on crime and the DC Council? Surely there are more interesting human interest stories out there.

Then again, I'm posting about it. Shows what I know.


  1. I got sucked into reading this story, because I misread the article's title on the WaPo homepage as "Woman's Search for Lost Car Spans Three Years." Now *that* would be an interesting read.

  2. Lock her up and throw away the key!

  3. To paraphrase the folks at SNL's "Weekend Update" (wrt "cat hip replacement"): $4,000 searching for her lost cat...only $4,000 more than the more common alternative, "total cat replacement."

    Oh, and Rusty...you forgot one possible explanation: the cat is still alive, it just doesn't want to be found by that crazy woman it ran away from.

  4. I am sending this picture to EMOH (easter basket of holocaust, aka Emo), Sweet'our (who will seek revenge), and your mother (who will go, "aargh...").

    That said, good post. Giggle, giggle.

  5. You don't know much about newspapers do you Rusty? The so called "news" you read likely consists of about 75% pre-packaged, planned news pieces. These pieces are usually created by a company or special interest group, and such. This lady probably called up man editor and told her gut wrenching tale, and the obscene amount of money she spent, and decided to spin it. And I think it is newsworthy…..showing what a f**king nut job this lady is! Try to find your cat lady, but jeez….this is a bit excessive.

    At any rate, this kook and really needs to let it go. Hey, how about this: she takes another $4,000 and makes a donation to one of the many pet shelters in the vicinity. Shelters which struggle to provide food and usually end putting them to death. But then again, this bitch would probably have no use for a run of the mill Tabby. Priorities….it’s all about the priorities…..

  6. i wonder if she tried leaving out a saucer of warm milk? ha ha.

  7. I spend barely an hour a month on my search at this point if that much at all. Most of what is described in the article happened in the first year of my pet being lost and while I was dealing with the death of my long time boyfriend who passed right after my cat went missing. I have received over 350 supportive e-mails, at least a third about cats and dogs that were lost and recovered as long as eight years after they went missing. Sure, my cat may be dead, but just as likely he's alive. I did not cry on the phone to an editor, I was contacted by the Post based on a flyer that is still up on a telephone pole from a long time ago. There are fewer than 20 flyers up around town--my how you take things out of context. I did the story to share what I've learned and to help spare others the mistakes I've made and to hopefully make a connection with someone who might have taken him in, if that is what happened. The reporter and photographer were terrific. I expected the cynics and angry unhappy people to hit me hard and I planned on ignoring their very few comments. But I felt so sorry for all of you, perhaps providing some clarity might help you get through the trauma my story obviously caused you. Perhaps I can refer you to a counselor--they can be really helpful. My cat may be in someone's home or wandering around the woods or passed away. Either way, looking for him when he went missing and still hoping for a resolution isn't hurting anyone. What I can't figure out and what I find really crazy are people who have written such negative comments and seem to think their opinions are so sacred. I think most of us should observe more, comment less and learn to be more patient and respectful of others. I'm sure you will have a field day with my post here, so I will leave you to have your last word. By the way, I have several hobbies, volunteer activities, organizations I support and many wonderful friends. I suggest you get away from your computers and go out and find a a life too.

  8. Ms. Hillary,

    Please do not accuse me of taking anything out of context. The Post made you look like a crazy person. You can't expect an Average Joe such as myself to pick up a newspaper, read about your search for your cat, and conclude anything other than that your search for your cat is crazy.

    If you are not crazy, which of course is more than a plausible possiblity, you should be mortified at the way the Post made you look.

    And, Hell, we've all done crazy things for people and things we've loved. There are worse things than people calling you crazy. No hard feelings on my end. Just a few chuckles at the Post's and your expense.

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. Yeah, just read the comment above mine. I don't have enough balls to keep my original comment up.
    My bad.

  11. I totally understand what this woman is doing....I do not think that she would be criticized for looking for a child this long...and until you know the exact fate of anyone/any pet you love, you cannot give up...she is not at all crazy, more like admirable

  12. bullshit ignored by the yarmouth register! that's paydirt there is what it is! the only thing that could improve this juicy nugget of eventfullness would be, of course, if the sign reading "free cat" also stated, in slightly smaller lettering, "answers to 'speedbump'"