4.28.2009

Hysteria: Swine Flu Hits Washington, D.C.!



As I vector toward lunch by Metro train yesterday, I spy a most beautiful young woman, if a bit fashion forward.

With her eyes, she glares at me as we pass in Metro Center, her mouth and snout hidden behind a cotton surgical mask, making me wonder, “Do I look like I got swine flu, bitch?”

Yesterday, the Pentagon and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, continued to surveil the outbreak of the new A/H1N1 “swine flu” virus, as the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland, raised its infectious disease threat level to “Phase 4,” two steps below pandemic.

With 149 deaths in Mexico and 40 non-fatal cases in the United States, the public naturally fears the occurrence of something scientists began predicting years ago—the emergence of a global pandemic flu strain such as that which killed one million people in 1968. Yet, President Obama and CDC officials took care yesterday to warn the public, too, against unnecessary alarm.

Following is a record of a question and answer session with the U.S. National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md.:

1. How is swine flu transmitted?

Swine flu may be transmitted from person to person by contact with the mouth and snout.

2. Can you get swine flu by eating pork?

No, the Russian Federation needs to check their science. The A/H1N1 virus originated in swine before crossing species but is not a food-borne bacteria.

3. Can you get swine flu by riding the Metro?


No cases have been reported in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area.

4. Can you get swine flu by blogging about the Metro?

No.

5. Can one contract swine flu by sleeping with a pig?

Sleeping with an unattractive woman who carries swine flu may certainly put you at heightened risk, particularly if you have contact with her mouth and snout.

6. Can you get swine flu by raping someone?

Yes. Um, why do you ask?

16 comments:

  1. I can't wait to see how this affects haute couture. Flip flops and a surgical mask. Nice one, honey.

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  2. The Jews and Muslims must be laughing so hard right now.

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  3. "Vector" is a transitive verb, you twit.

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  4. Swine, west nile, this is going to be a year

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  6. Pig AIDS is so 2009.

    And Jennifer's name is trademarked.

    Ouch.

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  7. I love Baja Fresh and Chipotle.

    Should I avoid going to such places because they serve mexican food? How about pseudo-mexican food?

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  8. MEXICAN-SWINE FUSION!

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  10. nice one, I get it "vector",

    3) any agent (person or animal or microorganism) that carries and transmits a disease;

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  11. This blog is not true. Raping someone with swine flu only transmits antibodies and makes you stronger.

    Apparently the author never heard about how polio was cured by the Great Rape-a-thon.

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  12. A total of twelve comments preceed this comment. (aptly; number 13)

    At least nine of those twelve comments are obviously attributable to Matt, Dave, or the caricature of a troubled actor with an affinity for Matt.

    One comment is attributable to spam.

    That means only two comments (not including this one) are legitimate responses to this dreadful example of Matt's writing skills.

    Goodbye.

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  13. Anon Coward:

    Your obsessing, do you have a specific learning difficulty?

    You also don't seem to know what troubled means or caricature, would you like a hand getting back into education?

    "That means only two comments (not including this one) are legitimate responses to this dreadful example of Matt's writing skills."

    Not at all, you seem to have mistaken your own negative, jealous bullshit as a legitimate response when in reality it is not.

    And if only that really was goodbye but you'll be back, parasite.

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  15. AnonymousMay 11, 2009

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    ReplyDelete