Why I Love DC

The actual city of Washington, DC, may suck for more reasons than I have time to list in this forum, but in one way it's pretty cool. In fact, in this one particular way I'm about to outline, I'd even go so far to say that it's totally boss.

Collecting unemployment insurance, or as I simply refer to it, "welfare," is exceptionally easy in DC. You just click on a few Web sites, have your helper tortoise, Vladimir, or your helper horse, Sven, type some personal identification information in and, before you know it, you're eating beans straight out of the can, making friends with TV magistrates, and collecting a fat $384 per week.

Like I said, it's totally boss.

But being a bum outside of the District, say, in Virginia? It seems that's not so boss.

According to an article in today's Washington Post, a party-line split in the Commonwealth of Virginia has prevented $125 million in federal welfare funds from landing in the pockets of not only assholes like myself, but in the pockets of people who actually deserve it. While Virginia may be for lovers, it's certainly not for intrepid hobos:

"At issue is whether Virginia should change its law to allow some part-time workers or those in some training programs to receive unemployment benefits."

Predictably, Republicans said "no," while Democrats said "yes." (Clearly, at issue here is not a question about having illicit extramarital affairs...THEY BOTH WOULD'VE SAID "YES" IN THAT CASE! LOL!)

Anyway, according to the article, some Democrats are calling some Republicans "disgusting." Fair enough. And some Republicans are calling some Democrats... Well, they're not really calling them anything as much as they're just kind of ignoring them in favor of sticking up for the rights of "struggling businesses." Fair enough. (Most politicians should be ignored.)

Whatever the case, it seems that had I really hated myself and had chosen to live in Virginia opposed to the District, I would not be the successful welfare queen I am today, especially since I recently started working part-time.

On the bright side, Vladimir, Sven and I would have a lot easier time legally storing our weapons caches in Dale City or Woodbridge...

As for the morale of this tale? Sometimes you just gotta pay the troll toll.

Wait. No. That's not it. The real morale is that you should just forget about trying to work or educate yourself to eventually get off welfare in Virginia, and instead, pretend to be retarded. And if that doesn't work, become a crack addict instead.

Yep. That's totally it.


  1. Sorry if I am totally behind, be like the new layout...I usually just look through my reader...

  2. You could have done so much more with this topic instead you decided to write about Virginia again.

  3. Honestly, what DOESN'T relate back to Always Sunny? NOTHING, I tell you. NOTHING.

  4. @anon:

    Actually, I don't think I've ever written about Virginia on here. (This is only my fourth post, I believe). Also, the article was about Virginia, so it was a topic hard to avoid. But out of intellectual curiosity (stop laughing...), whay direction would you have gone?

  5. Whatever, you're still the chick who referred to hipsters as "cutting edge."

  6. Yeah, but, DC is DC is DC. Even in VA. Yeah.

  7. It's really not necessary to differentiate Woodbridge from Dale City. It's all the same hole at this point. Also, just one man talkin' here, but part-time employment is still employment. So by virtue of the term "unemployment relief", they're kinda SOL.

  8. here i am working like a sucker....

  9. Patty DukeApril 14, 2009

    OK. Maybe I shouldn't be proud of this, but when I was in my early twenties, I was pretty good at working the "welfare angle. This all began with me getting a summer job at one the museums on the mall. I was already collecting unemployment before I got the job. Of course I stopped collecting "welfare" while working my summer job. After the job ended, picked up where I left of collecting unemployment. When it was apparent that my weeks were running out, I would get another temporary job. After the job ended....

    The beauty of this is, because I never used up all of my weeks, they were added on to the weeks accrued working temporay jobs. If I accrued say twelve weeks the remaining weeks were added to these weeks. Also I made enough money to have taxes taken out. When I filed my taxes, I always got a refund of all the money taken out, since I didn't make enough money to be taxed. Living at home helped also. (For shame) Um, did mention that my college tuition was less than my Pell
    grant. Oh yeah I got money back from that also. (Looking better all the time)

  10. All the ingrates and knuckle-draggers who've been given borderline no-show jobs within the DC municipal government are pretty much on permanent unemployment assistance.

  11. DC is full of so many ghetto retards it is ridiculous. If I were Mayor of DC I would privatize as much as possible, slash taxes, and let these retards starve to death on the street. I would let hiptards die the same death but obviously their parents would step in and start sending them money and paying their mortgage on the house they bought them anyway.

    Unemployment in DC: 384/week
    1 weeks pay at McDonalds at 6.55/hr: 262/week

  12. "1 weeks pay at McDonalds at 6.55/hr: 262/week."

    Actually, the minimum wage is $7.55 per hour (I know, because that's what they pay me at the sex shop), so working fulltime at McDonalds (or the sex shop) would be $302/week, which still sucks.

    Thank God, Obama's raising it to $8.15 come May. That'll be a whopping $326/week for F/T minimum wage workers, which, come to think of it, is still nary enough to pay the troll toll...

    I love capitalism just as much as the next greedy bastard, but something seems amiss when I can get paid more for doing nothing than I would for working fulltime for minimum wage...



  14. If you work for minimum wage, you're either:

    1. Fifteen
    2. On parole
    3. An idiot who should thank your lucky stars you can steal the occasional BK Big Fish.

  15. M@ said...

    Yeah, but, DC is DC is DC. Even in VA. Yeah.

    --Hey, retard. Lemme ask you a couple of questions.

    1. How many square miles do you figure the District encompasses?

    2. Do the Washington Post and Washington times and the local television stations ever cover anything that happens two blocks outside of the city?

    You fucking think?

  16. D.C. and northern Virginia. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS ARE CONNECTED TO other THINGS!!!!

  17. Georgetown Prep AlumApril 15, 2009

    ^ Not true.
    A close friend I grew up and went to school with, an IVY LEAGUE graduate, currently works full time at a local golf shop. He earns just a little over minimum wage but loves his job. He does not plan on working anywhere else anytime soon either. He is a damn good golfer too I might add.

  18. Georgetown Prep AlumApril 15, 2009

    I myself plan on working part time at a local driving range this summer.
    A job is a job.
    It doesnt really matter how much one gets paid.
    Work is work.

  19. "D.C. and northern Virginia. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS ARE CONNECTED TO other THINGS!!!!"

    You are just overly sensitive. It is obvious.

  20. And you're a fucking coward hiding behind anonymous, out yourself fuck bag.