The actual city of Washington, DC, may suck for more reasons than I have time to list in this forum, but in one way it's pretty cool. In fact, in this one particular way I'm about to outline, I'd even go so far to say that it's totally boss.
Collecting unemployment insurance, or as I simply refer to it, "welfare," is exceptionally easy in DC. You just click on a few Web sites, have your helper tortoise, Vladimir, or your helper horse, Sven, type some personal identification information in and, before you know it, you're eating beans straight out of the can, making friends with TV magistrates, and collecting a fat $384 per week.
Like I said, it's totally boss.
But being a bum outside of the District, say, in Virginia? It seems that's not so boss.
According to an article in today's Washington Post, a party-line split in the Commonwealth of Virginia has prevented $125 million in federal welfare funds from landing in the pockets of not only assholes like myself, but in the pockets of people who actually deserve it. While Virginia may be for lovers, it's certainly not for intrepid hobos:
"At issue is whether Virginia should change its law to allow some part-time workers or those in some training programs to receive unemployment benefits."
Predictably, Republicans said "no," while Democrats said "yes." (Clearly, at issue here is not a question about having illicit extramarital affairs...THEY BOTH WOULD'VE SAID "YES" IN THAT CASE! LOL!)
Anyway, according to the article, some Democrats are calling some Republicans "disgusting." Fair enough. And some Republicans are calling some Democrats... Well, they're not really calling them anything as much as they're just kind of ignoring them in favor of sticking up for the rights of "struggling businesses." Fair enough. (Most politicians should be ignored.)
Whatever the case, it seems that had I really hated myself and had chosen to live in Virginia opposed to the District, I would not be the successful welfare queen I am today, especially since I recently started working part-time.
On the bright side, Vladimir, Sven and I would have a lot easier time legally storing our weapons caches in Dale City or Woodbridge...
As for the morale of this tale? Sometimes you just gotta pay the troll toll.
Wait. No. That's not it. The real morale is that you should just forget about trying to work or educate yourself to eventually get off welfare in Virginia, and instead, pretend to be retarded. And if that doesn't work, become a crack addict instead.
Yep. That's totally it.