If you ever find yourself being content with this hell hole of a city we call our home, try to find housing here. It will stir such an base hatred within your darkened soul that you'll find yourself seriously considering an offer to move into a Kyrgyz yurt, rather than continue the housing search here. Because between all the jerks who simply don't respond to my emails, which, for the record, do not mention once my general hatred of humanity, and all the people who find it somehow economically viable to try to let an 8' x 8' room in Petworth for $900, I'm finding ads like the following:
$620 fancy mansion 2 blocks from metro... whoa! (red line metro - rhode island ave) (map)
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-04-06, 6:27PM EDT
we like to dance and smoke cigarettes and stand on the porch and yell at our neighbors at shawshank...
you're probably wondering, am i the right person for a chance at this dream life?
probably. but maybe not. here are just a couple of the demographics we are open to (not exclusive list):
- male: sexy, 240 lbs, possibly with a beard and moustache
- female: you have a loud vagina
- anyone: that has a murcielago
- fucking anyone thats not a crackhead
also, this shit is tight, i'm so serial. like crazy tight, you know what i'm saying? like, we're talking 2-car parking spot, a private maid, and a gameboy with kirby pucket baseball that we take turns with every month.
ok, i actually was serious about having 2 private parking spots, and i'm told i better give you some real fuckin info before you jump right off of this interweb page:
- 3 floors, full bathroom per floor
- 2 full kitchens
- bigass hdtv/surround sound
- literally 2 blocks from the rhode island metro, which is also near an assortment of fine shopping:
- AJ wright
- home depot
- chuck e cheese
- jamaican spots
also, we occasionally/frequently/all-the-time have "ghetto bonfires", ie, burning empty beer boxes in the grill in our delightful backyard.
so... you're saying theres a chance?
10th st ne at rhode island ave
Yup. Suddenly, living in an yurt or even in a VAN down by the RIVER (R.I.P. Chris Farley) isn't looking so bad...
And if the [SIC]-filled text of that ad wasn't enough to make you regurgitate your steady diet of government cheese, just take a look at the accompanying photographs:
I'm not sure what to make of the first picture. If I move in am I allowed to put my butt on a dude's head? Or is that girl's butt going to be placed on my head? Either way, I'm not ready to pay $620 for that.
But I guess at least we're not left confused about the cigarette situation, as that second woman (or is she a "loud vagina"?) is clearly smoking one. Although she certainly doesn't look like she's dancing. Nor is she even on a porch. But, indeed, she is smoking a cigarette. (I hope it's menthol!) And what's more of a selling point for moving in than the guaranteed stench of stale smoke on a 20-year-old hiptard's hoodie smelling up the entire "fancy mansion?" Or, if I fit the bill of being the much desired 240-pound man, having the stale stench of smoke linger in my beard and/or mustache? Or my loud vagina (although I bet hers is louder than mine)? Or my Murcielago? I mean, a pine-scented air freshener can only go so far. And I have the feeling that, if I hated myself enough to actually answer this ad I'd have to carry my Murcielago's pine-scented air freshener to my bedroom just to survive. That, or wear one of those C3PO gas masks being donned by two of the residents (or maybe those are the "shawshank" neighbors who recently got yelled at by this fancy mansion's denizens).
Yet, amid the entire clusterf*ck of annoyingness that is this ad, one point stands out as exceptionally annoying -- the idea of a "ghetto bonfire." Now, I'm not against bonfires of any variety, be it a beach bonfire, a camping bonfire, or even a well-controlled forest bonfire, but this "ghetto bonfire" business sounds highly ridiculous. "Burning empty beer boxes in the grill in our delightful backyard?" First of all, I don't understand how this even qualifies as a bonfire, "ghetto" or not. It's just a few cardboard boxes. Whenever I start bonfires, you can bet I burn an entire tree. And if I'm in a neighborhood where there are no trees, then you can bet I'll be burning at least a few pieces of wood furniture. Or the interior of the entire house. Now THAT's ghetto.
Secondly, why the hell would you abuse a perfectly innocent grill like that? While I may not care for human rights all that much (especially when it comes to humans who abuse innocent grills), barbeque rights is something I can't let slide. In what world is it OK to fill your grill up with beer-box ash? Grills are for charcoal and occasionally propane. Burning cardboard in it is not only offensive to the grill, but it's offensive to the hamburgers, hotdogs, bratwurst, steaks, chicken, shishkabobs, fish, ribs, chocolate chip cookies (it's possible!) and assorted other goodness that may one day lay deliciously across its heated slates.
Lastly, are you retarded? (I suppose after reading this ad and looking at the accompanying photographs, that question is rhetorical.)
Really, the only redeeming quality about this ad is the fact that you may have occasional possession of a vintage Gameboy with a Kirby Puckett game. That shit really is tight. I'm super mega hyper crazy serial. So, really though...who wants to be my roommate?