4.07.2009

Why Living In a Yurt May Not Be So Bad

If you ever find yourself being content with this hell hole of a city we call our home, try to find housing here. It will stir such an base hatred within your darkened soul that you'll find yourself seriously considering an offer to move into a Kyrgyz yurt, rather than continue the housing search here. Because between all the jerks who simply don't respond to my emails, which, for the record, do not mention once my general hatred of humanity, and all the people who find it somehow economically viable to try to let an 8' x 8' room in Petworth for $900, I'm finding ads like the following:


$620 fancy mansion 2 blocks from metro... whoa! (red line metro - rhode island ave) (map)

Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-04-06, 6:27PM EDT

hello everyone!

we like to dance and smoke cigarettes and stand on the porch and yell at our neighbors at shawshank...

you're probably wondering, am i the right person for a chance at this dream life?
probably. but maybe not. here are just a couple of the demographics we are open to (not exclusive list):
- male: sexy, 240 lbs, possibly with a beard and moustache
- female: you have a loud vagina
- anyone: that has a murcielago
- fucking anyone thats not a crackhead

also, this shit is tight, i'm so serial. like crazy tight, you know what i'm saying? like, we're talking 2-car parking spot, a private maid, and a gameboy with kirby pucket baseball that we take turns with every month.

ok, i actually was serious about having 2 private parking spots, and i'm told i better give you some real fuckin info before you jump right off of this interweb page:
- 3 floors, full bathroom per floor
- 2 full kitchens
- bigass hdtv/surround sound
- literally 2 blocks from the rhode island metro, which is also near an assortment of fine shopping:
- AJ wright
- giant
- home depot
- chuck e cheese
- jamaican spots
- cvs

also, we occasionally/frequently/all-the-time have "ghetto bonfires", ie, burning empty beer boxes in the grill in our delightful backyard.

so... you're saying theres a chance?

10th st ne at rhode island ave


Yup. Suddenly, living in an yurt or even in a VAN down by the RIVER (R.I.P. Chris Farley) isn't looking so bad...

And if the [SIC]-filled text of that ad wasn't enough to make you regurgitate your steady diet of government cheese, just take a look at the accompanying photographs:




I'm not sure what to make of the first picture. If I move in am I allowed to put my butt on a dude's head? Or is that girl's butt going to be placed on my head? Either way, I'm not ready to pay $620 for that.

But I guess at least we're not left confused about the cigarette situation, as that second woman (or is she a "loud vagina"?) is clearly smoking one. Although she certainly doesn't look like she's dancing. Nor is she even on a porch. But, indeed, she is smoking a cigarette. (I hope it's menthol!) And what's more of a selling point for moving in than the guaranteed stench of stale smoke on a 20-year-old hiptard's hoodie smelling up the entire "fancy mansion?" Or, if I fit the bill of being the much desired 240-pound man, having the stale stench of smoke linger in my beard and/or mustache? Or my loud vagina (although I bet hers is louder than mine)? Or my Murcielago? I mean, a pine-scented air freshener can only go so far. And I have the feeling that, if I hated myself enough to actually answer this ad I'd have to carry my Murcielago's pine-scented air freshener to my bedroom just to survive. That, or wear one of those C3PO gas masks being donned by two of the residents (or maybe those are the "shawshank" neighbors who recently got yelled at by this fancy mansion's denizens).

Yet, amid the entire clusterf*ck of annoyingness that is this ad, one point stands out as exceptionally annoying -- the idea of a "ghetto bonfire." Now, I'm not against bonfires of any variety, be it a beach bonfire, a camping bonfire, or even a well-controlled forest bonfire, but this "ghetto bonfire" business sounds highly ridiculous. "Burning empty beer boxes in the grill in our delightful backyard?" First of all, I don't understand how this even qualifies as a bonfire, "ghetto" or not. It's just a few cardboard boxes. Whenever I start bonfires, you can bet I burn an entire tree. And if I'm in a neighborhood where there are no trees, then you can bet I'll be burning at least a few pieces of wood furniture. Or the interior of the entire house. Now THAT's ghetto.

Secondly, why the hell would you abuse a perfectly innocent grill like that? While I may not care for human rights all that much (especially when it comes to humans who abuse innocent grills), barbeque rights is something I can't let slide. In what world is it OK to fill your grill up with beer-box ash? Grills are for charcoal and occasionally propane. Burning cardboard in it is not only offensive to the grill, but it's offensive to the hamburgers, hotdogs, bratwurst, steaks, chicken, shishkabobs, fish, ribs, chocolate chip cookies (it's possible!) and assorted other goodness that may one day lay deliciously across its heated slates.

Lastly, are you retarded? (I suppose after reading this ad and looking at the accompanying photographs, that question is rhetorical.)

Really, the only redeeming quality about this ad is the fact that you may have occasional possession of a vintage Gameboy with a Kirby Puckett game. That shit really is tight. I'm super mega hyper crazy serial. So, really though...who wants to be my roommate?

54 comments:

  1. I want to be your roommate... and i'm uber serial.

    ReplyDelete
  2. FUCKING TRANSPLANT SCUM

    MOVING HERE TO DC TO INCREASE THEIR CRED BACK HOME IN THE MIDWEST

    THEY HAVE MOMMY AND DADDY BACK HOME PAY FOR MOST OF IT TOO

    POVERTY TOURISTS MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT

    WANNABE VINTAGE, WANNABE GHETTO URBAN CITY DWELLER TRANSPLANTS FROM THE MIDWEST SHOULD ALL BE SHOT MULITPLE TIMES

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Mansion" on Rhode Island Ave NE?! Don't make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. boo, get the fuck off of it. if you want cred, you don't move to DC. if you want DOUBLED-UP POPPED-COLLAR POLO SHIRTS, you move to DC.

    ReplyDelete
  5. man, i had totally forgotten about kirby puckett.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't know what crack they're smoking, but I'm pretty certain there's no Chuck E. Cheese in NE DC (or anywhere in DC proper). It is sad how they're making stuff up and trying to look cool in order to get yet another kid into their group house.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I AM SO SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS WHOLE "MOVING INTO THE CITY TO BE COOL" TREND

    NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF YOUNG STUPID FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE

    THE WHITE PEOPLE WITH ANY COMMON SENSE AT ALL MOVED OUT YEARS AGO

    ReplyDelete
  8. "THE WHITE PEOPLE WITH ANY COMMON SENSE AT ALL MOVED OUT YEARS AGO"

    White people with common sense are now moving out of the suburbs. Haven't you heard? The "exurbs" are the new slums. Look into it. Seriously; Google it, you'll find a lot of information out there.

    That's why property values in DC climbed so dramaticaly over the years and why they remain some of the strongest in the country.

    You want cred as a dumb badass punk with nothing to lose? Move to a Mcmansion in Manassass and live a life that is entirely dependent upon driving a car. That is a dead-end street, literally.

    Hey, things change. Get used to it or get out of the way.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Actually, if you want cred, move to Sterling Park, VA. That's Fairfax county, and its worse than most of DC these days.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is for the racist yelling guy only:

    "The financial meltdown has produced a vast patchwork of foreclosed and abandoned single-family homes across America, accelerating the decades-long migration of our nation's poor from cities to the suburban fringe.

    The trend will continue. By 2025, predicts planning expert Arthur C. Nelson, America will face a market surplus of 22 million large-lot homes (a sixth of an acre or more), attracting millions of low-income residents deeper into suburbia where decay and social and geographic isolation will pose challenges few see coming.

    Over the past two decades, the gospel of urbanism has spread though the American mainstream. But it is the young, the affluent, the professional class and empty-nesters who are reclaiming the urban living experience -- dense, walkable, diverse, mixed-use neighborhoods in and around city centers -- while the poor disperse outward in search of cheap rent.

    local officials across the country are reporting an increase in violent crime, gang activity, drug use and other social breakdowns within suburban neighborhoods. In places like New York City, Atlanta and Chicago, urban crime rates are dropping while rising on the outskirts of town"

    http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09095/960370-109.stm

    ReplyDelete
  11. More for the racist yelling guy. Everyone else: go about your business!

    "Experts describe as a new "outer edge" of poverty in remote suburbs hit hard by foreclosures. Fueled by "subprime" mortgages that made new homes suddenly affordable for those who otherwise might not have qualified, outlying communities mushroomed during the middle of this decade.

    In the outer-edge suburbs, there are no nonprofits. Charitable support is much weaker. We're likely to see outer-edge ghettos with higher home-vacancy rates for quite some time," said John K. McIlwain, senior fellow for housing at the Urban Land Institute in Washington.

    "They live in what can be described as a social wilderness. This is a social economy that depends on automobiles, gasoline and jobs. When those things start to disappear, they are stuck."

    http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orl-asecforeburb19031909mar19,0,7928840.story

    ReplyDelete
  12. If it weren't for this ad, I'd have missed out on at least 8 minutes of amusing procrastination provided by a hilarious blogger (с кем я знаком--молодец!). Dan E, VT

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sterling Park is Loudoun County, not Fairfax, just nitpicking.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Patty DukeApril 07, 2009

    Splain Shawshank to me.. pleease. I have a suspicion of what they are trying to insinuate and they are pulling off a big fraud. That is the Brentwood area of Washington. I know the area well. There aint no damn mansions in that area. Large houses yeah. Mansions? ppft.

    ReplyDelete
  15. OK, if anyone is truly "uber serial" about being my roommate and knows of a spot for $700 or less until the end of the summer, shoot me an email at theantidc (at) gmail (dot) com.

    By the way, I'm not moving to Virginia. Or Maryland. I am, after all, still a (relatively) young, stupid fucking white person.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. BTW, Golden Silence is correct. After not-so-much ado looking up the official Chuck E Cheese's Web site, I have confirmed that, indeed, there are not Chuck E Cheese's establishments in DC proper. The closest one is in either Rockville or Alexandria, depending on where you live.

    All's I know is that that AJ Wright they talk about better be there or I'm flagging this ad!

    ReplyDelete
  17. AJ Wright is there --- it's in the Brentwood Giant Plaza.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "until the end of the summer, shoot me an email at theantidc (at) gmail (dot) com. "

    You aren't leaving in the fall, are you...?!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Damnit, enough with the asshole who keeps posting about how shitty Sterling is.

    Start your own fucking blog so you and your urban fundamentalist friends can hate on Loudon and every other exurb where the people have the temerity to drive cars and mow lawns.

    Every fucking thread that has some hilarious DC-bashing goes on, you have to pop up with your fucking schtick, "but, but, but, but, Sterling really sucks too! Exurbs have no sense of community! Why isn't anyone talking about that!?!?"

    SHUT.

    THE FUCK.

    UP.

    ReplyDelete
  20. "SHUT.

    THE FUCK.

    UP."


    It is difficult to stop moaning and goaning, M@, when you are so skilled at the art of fellatio, and my sexual endurance is legendary.

    Analogous to the Energizer Bunny, you just keep on sucking, and sucking, and sucking, and sucking...

    ReplyDelete
  21. @john--

    There are plans afoot. But, really, everything is still TBD. If I legitimately decide to fly the poop (that's the always how that saying will be), I'll let the e-world know. I plan to descend in a glorious e-blaze of glory. And by "glorious," I clearly mean "meaningless."

    ReplyDelete
  22. marissa, please tell me that you're not so jaded living in DC that you didn't laugh at least a little bit at that ad. the ghetto bonfire bit was funny.

    ReplyDelete
  23. @brif:

    Oh, I'm not jaded as much as I'm just an asshole. I'll admit I found the part about Kirby Puckett and the Gameboy funny. That was almost enough for me to answer the ad. But, I cannot accept lies about Chuck E Cheese locations. Nor do I want any delicious meats I may grill up to taste like cardboard beer boxes. Call it a wienerschnitzel dealbreaker, if you will.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Blogs make me feel funny inside, or maybe it's the product I purchased at your new place of employment

    ReplyDelete
  25. @anon--

    If you stealth came in and didn't say hello, I will be very upset. I mean, really, it would've been the most awkward of hello's in the most awkward of spots, n'est-ce pas? The perfect storm of awkwardness for everyone. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I can't believe that no one here, Marissa included, got the CL posters' Daft Punk joke (their last picture). These kids wisely created an ad that would offend and confuse the very people who write and post on this blog. They want to live with folks who'll get their jokes. Namely, not you guys.

    You have all screened yourselves out and won't bother sending them an e-mail. Good work.

    This brings me to a larger point. I'm tired of DC NEEEERRRRDS! hating on young hipster kids. In fact, DC is really lucky to have them engaged in their stupid but ultimately well-intentioned shenanigans.

    They bring some color to this dull shithole of a city.

    What a bunch of lame spoil-sports you are.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Is putting a photo of Daft Punk in the ad a joke? Because that's a fucking photo of daft punk. That does not constitute a joke.

    They're obnoxious and annoying, and kudos to them for not trying to hide that, because they wisely realize that only someone as annoying and obnoxious as themselves would put up with that shit.

    How colorful.

    ReplyDelete
  28. HEY YOU DUMB GOOGLE SEARCHING DUMBFUCK

    MY RANT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE OR CLASS

    MY RANT WAS ABOUT WHITE HIPSTER HIPTARD DUMBFUCKS WHO ARE SLUMMING IT TO BE COOL

    SLUMMING IT ON THE EAST COAST TO IMPRESS THEIR FRIENDS AND FAIMLY BACK HOME IN THE MIDWEST

    TODAY THEY ARE IN DC

    NEXT STOP PHILADELPHIA

    NEXT STOP BROOKLYN

    NEXT STOP BOSTON

    ONE CAN ONLY HOPE THIS CURRENT RECESSION LIMITS THEIR PARENTS FUNDS THUS PUTTING AN END TO THEIR CHILDREN'S CURRENT TREND WHORE GHETTO/SLUM TOURS

    FUCKING HIPTARD TRANSPLANT SCUMBAGS

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hiptards are the lowest form of transplant.
    At least the yuppies hold down a full time job.
    Same with the immigrants who move here from poor foreign countries.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Dammit! I knew those masks looked familiar. And I was wondering why the Eiffel Tower was reflected in said masks. I can't say I spend that much time out by the Rhode Island metro stop, but I didn't think there was a replica of the Eiffel Tower out there! Funny stuff, um, really.

    I do want to make one thing clear, however: There is a big difference between the definition of hipster and hiptard. No one makes fun of true hipsters because they're actually on the cutting edge. Hiptards ride the coattails. And they're obnoxious and think they're more clever than they are. But it is not to say hipsters can't act like hiptards from time to time, say, by lying about Chuck E Cheese (unforgivable...)

    And while I certainly think this ad, in the true spirit of a hipster, livened up the search between decidedly un-hip "looking for professional, non-smoking, tidy female" ads, there were several parts of this ad (besides the Chuck E Cheese fiasco) that screamed "annoying hiptard." Like that whole "ghetto bonfire" business? Only a hiptard would treat a barbecue grill like that. True hipsters respect their shit, mostly because, as whoever posted this ad noted, their "shit is tight." For instance, still having an operating Gameboy with a Kirby Puckett game is something a real hipster would have and meticulously take care of. In fact, if hipsters even existed in DC, my assumption would be that whoever posted this ad was, indeed, a hipster but was just acting like a hiptard. Also, hipsters are notorious self-proclaimed nerds, so hating on the "NEEEERRRRDS!" is really just more evidence of hiptard-dom.

    Then again, everything I say I pull directly out of my ass, so, you know, grain of salt and such.

    The bottom line is this: This is just a stupid blog post. Well written? Debatable. Substantive? Definitely not, although in some way, I suppose, this ad and some of the COMMENTS do get at some underlying issues regarding gentrification. But whatever. Serious discussion and this blog is neither here nor there. (Definitely not here.)

    In the end, though, I do agree that this ad did serve a purpose and more than just easy-target delightful blog fodder for me. Really it's a win-win, because like the anon above notes, I'm sure it weeded out roommates who would not be a good match. (I.e. myself. Even with my own hiptard tendencies, I'm still very uncomfortable with strangers' butts near my face.)

    ReplyDelete
  31. SO THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS THINK THEY ARE URBAN AND GHETTO?

    SEND THOSE SON OF A BITCHES TO ALABAMA AVE SOUTHEAST SO WE CAN ALL FIND OUT JUST HOW URBAN AND GHETTO THEY REALLY ARE

    ReplyDelete
  32. No one makes fun of true hipsters because they're actually on the cutting edge.

    CUTTING EDGE OF WHAT?

    RIPPING OFF THE 1980s?

    CUTTING EDGE OF STEALING FASHION TRENDS FROM 1970s and 1980s ALBUM COVERS?

    RECYCLING SHIT THAT WAS ALREADY DONE OVER 20+ YEARS AGO?

    HOW ABOUT CREATING SOMETHING NEW AND ORIGINAL?

    ^ THAT WILL BE THE DAY

    IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN WITH GENERATON Y THOUGH

    GENERATION Y FUCKING BLOWS

    ReplyDelete
  33. "SEND THOSE SON OF A BITCHES TO ALABAMA AVE SOUTHEAST SO WE CAN ALL FIND OUT JUST HOW URBAN AND GHETTO THEY REALLY ARE"

    Dear Non-White Archie Bunker,

    This is what the ghettofiers don't get: We aren't afraid. Oh yeah, we're SUPPOSED to be afraid. If we're afraid, then the 'hood remains a black ghetto. But if we aren't afraid, then diversity takes hold.

    Where there is diversity, there is often prosperity and progressiveness. But racists blacks would rather have a 100% black slum than a diverse thriving community. (because we all know how evil white people are. they're born that way. everyone still have their tiny pitchforks that they came out of their mother's vajayjay with?)

    Anyway, I personally know several white people who own property and live in Trinidad. I also know a mixed couple (white & asian) who have a baby, own a home, and live in..... (drum roll please).....Anacostia. That's East of the River Anacostia, bitches.

    Death and taxes really ARE the only constants. Neighborhoods change. Deal with it, Non-White Archie Bunker.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Check out these photos of what one ethnic enclave of the city looked like before newcomers started moving in!

    Change clearly tore that neighborhood apart.

    http://anacostianow.blogspot.com/2008/08/anacostia-high-school-in-1939.html

    ReplyDelete
  35. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE YOU DUMB FUCK

    SO STOP TRYING TO TURN THIS INTO A RACIAL ISSUE

    BLACK, WHITE, ASIAN OR HISPANIC ETC...

    TRANSPLANT SCUM IS STILL TRANSPLANT SCUM REGARDLESS

    THE NATIVES WILL ALWAYS BE ABOVE YOU

    SO DEAL WITH IT

    YOU ARE INFERIOR

    ReplyDelete
  36. "THE NATIVES WILL ALWAYS BE ABOVE YOU"

    The 'natives' will always have the highest rate of AIDS in the country. That's about the only thing you're good at - being Third World.

    ""THE WHITE PEOPLE WITH ANY COMMON SENSE AT ALL MOVED OUT YEARS AGO"

    But you said this wasn't about race? So why do you mention race all the time? Oh, that's right. You're a racist. And you fucked your mother once, right? And caught AIDS from her too, right?

    ReplyDelete
  37. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........................

    ReplyDelete
  38. Has anyone else taken the B2 bus lately? Man, I took that thing out to the National Arboretum yesterday, and holy moley, that's bus was packed. Not like the 42 gets packed either. These guys looked like they might be carrying weapons. Scary shit.

    ReplyDelete
  39. KILL EM' ALL

    LET GOD SORT EM' OUT

    ReplyDelete
  40. "KILL EM' ALL LET GOD SORT EM' OUT"

    Gay much?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Only a transplant like you would not understand what he means when he types that.
    Further proof that you need to go back to where you came from.

    ReplyDelete
  42. "Only a transplant like you would not understand what he means when he types that.
    Further proof that you need to go back to where you came from."


    Is that what your daddy whispered to you as he quietly slipped into your bedroom at night?

    ReplyDelete
  43. Anyone with a decent education understands that the population of North America, and the United States in particular, is the most mobile group of people in human history.

    This notion of "transplants" being "inferior" is flawed. It is people who remain in one place their whole lives that are seriously disadvantaged.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I'm pretty sure that ad was placed by Kenny Powers.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hipsters are about as cutting edge as my Aunt Millie.

    ReplyDelete
  46. The city is crawling with tourists this week, providing ample fodder for this website. You don't even need to write; just walk around taking pictures with your cell phone camera and you'll have a month's worth of hate to post here.

    ReplyDelete
  47. DC is a big heaving, stinking ghetto with a few thousand rich assholes west of the park.

    Yes, that includes Dupont, Logan, "Ad-Mo" and other places that transplants have convinced themselves are nice and upscale while crackwhores have sex in the alley and 13-year-old kids wielding blowdart guns terrorize churchgoers coming in from Bowie.

    Is this what we have to settle for as our nation's capital?

    That's not America. That's not even Mexico.

    ReplyDelete
  48. and the question still remains..."Why am i still here?"

    oh yea the white gurls!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Adolph HitlerApril 13, 2009

    "Gurl" is defined as:

    the way of spelling girl, favourd by girls below the age of 14 or dyslexics.

    "hey gurls, wanna sleep over, i just painted my room pink" and

    A transvestite or drag queen who enjoys flaunting it and having a good time.

    It is spelt 'gurl' rather than 'girl' because it is not a real girl, but similar enough to imitate.

    Usually used in writing for context rather than spoken.

    "Bill and Jake were two gurls who enjoyed partying all night at the transvestite bar."

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gurl

    ReplyDelete
  50. MADONNA CAN GO TO HELL AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED!

    SHE'S A DICK!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Too bad about your blog. You gave it the 'old college try'.

    Failure is a learning experience, too.

    ReplyDelete
  52. what retard wrote that urban dictionary entry?

    ReplyDelete
  53. how bout white goils?

    ReplyDelete