4.30.2009

Firetrucks for the win


Photo Credit: Washington City Paper.

Recently the DC government got into some hot, chlorinated water over a scandal involving donated firetrucks in exchange for vacations in the Dominican Republic (read: giving expensive, vital equipment necessary to the basic preparedness functions of our city equals hot, impoverished girl-on-girl action, white sand beaches, and margaritas made with pure cocaine).


Mayor of Sousa, D.R. heads to America to find fire trucks

This is how it went down: in November 2007 the mayor of Sousa, D.R. (a kindly man named Vladimir [really, that's his name, I promise]) shows up in DC, his sombrero in his mud-caked hands, and said “¿Qué?” to some Fenty administration folks. This rendezvous was facilitated by Mr. William Walker, the head of a nonprofit called Faith Production, that takes "troubled DC youth" (read: they know how to make a shiv and they are not afraid to show you how to bleed) to Sosua to participate in a series of boxing matches called “Whalin’ on Wetbacks”.

Dirt-caked Sousa mayor Vlad says “¿Qué? Necesitamos los firetrucks, por favor”. David Jannarone and Sinclair Skinner (a frat brother of Mayor Fenty and his field director during the 2006 mayoral campaign) say hey, sure, but can we crash at your place for a bit? My girl’s been on the rag and I owe this guy money and I think I need to lay low for awhile.”

So they go to la Republica Dominicana, do some X, dance in clubs, yadda yadda. They donate an old ambulance and old firetruck in exchange for the phone numbers of some hot latinas in big hoop earrings and legs that go on for days. These things are so old they can’t be used: they’re just really pretty scrap metal which by the way could be used for a lot of slum roofs in D.R. Mr. Walker, the owner of the beat-up-people-for-Christ program, says “hey you shmucks, these things don’t’ work!” and backed out of the deal, returning the crap vehicles that your brother-in-law Jim could totally have used to soup up his sweet ride.



Impress the hotties with your 'fire hose.'

Jannarone and Skinner said well, shit. We like hanging out in D.R. and we just started seeing someone down there, it’s gettin’ kinda serious, you know how it goes. So they find a usable ambulance and firetruck – in good condition, only 55,290 miles on it in fact (my dad’s Dodge Charger has more miles on it than that). These puppies were inspected and repaired at DC taxpayer expense which frankly is the worst transgression of the whole thing: anyone who’s waited to get their car inspected or repaired at the what, two places in DC that will do it knows the pain. To think that this shit got done on my dime but not to be used for the many, many DC emergencies truly pisses me off.

Anyways, they needed a patsy. In walks Ron Moten, Chief Operating Officer of Peaceoholics, the group who recently had a mentor fired for child molestation. He says sure, I'll take responsibility for this, what's the worst that can happen? It's not like this shit is illegal or anything. These boys then bring in some lawyer types to draft emergency rule making mumbo jumbo and this becomes “legit”.

Mike Neibauer, that rapscallion muckraker, gets wind of this and his piece in the DC Examiner saying "hey you fucktards, we could have used that firetruck and Dalmatian that (probably) went with it!" Moten takes the fall like a typical patsy, saying “Oh, hey, this is totally our fault. We're the ones that wanted to give DC property away for bananas and blow, not the DC government. Peaceoholics loves Dominican Republic so much despite the fact that I personally have never been there so I don’t know. I hear the ladies are smokin’ hot but I don’t even have a passport.” Shit rains down from the heavens and it makes Fenty look like the jackass that he is.

But this has a happy ending! The April 3rd Attorney General’s report doesn’t even mention Jannarone, Skinner, the attorneys involved in covering this up, or any other DC officials for that matter. Because you know, they’ve got a lot of shit going on right now. Their best frat bud Adrian won’t return their calls and they broke things off with their Hispanola honeys because those squirrels were just getting too clingy, you know what I mean?

20 comments:

  1. that was asinine.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous XVIIApril 30, 2009

    This is so bad I thought Matt wrote it until I saw Dave's byline.

    p.s. I projectile vomited halfway through.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Glad to see you survived the flu, dave. Cheers

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMay 01, 2009

    Can't we have Daniel Hoffman-Gill write a few posts? This blog needs a Titanium Star Blogger pick-me-up.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous Cunt FaceMay 01, 2009

    Sorry about my fellow cunts, we can't help it if we are thick, myopic creatures.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This was some good solid Hate. Good work, Dave.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousMay 01, 2009

    First of all, its an fire engine, not a fire truck. Engines squirt blue stuff on red stuff, trucks carry guys (and girls) who like to break things.

    Second of all, if DC got Ms. Dominican Republic in return for a 1998 Seagrave and a lousy ambo, I'd say we got the better of the deal.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Unlike the rest of you twats, I've made something substantial of myself. That's why I hang out on this blog; to remind you about how much better I am than all of you.

    See for yourself by clicking on my name... go on, bitches, do it.. you know you want to! I AM BETTER THAN YOU! I AM BETTER THAN YOU!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousMay 01, 2009

    You're playing Chancellor Dangalor on on Krod Mandoon? You really are better than everyone else. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousMay 01, 2009

    He should play an idiot with congestive heart failure who needs quad bypass surgery and who should not have reproduced.

    Then he would be M@'s dad.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousMay 01, 2009

    Can you guys write a post on that idiot Harold Brazil?

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/01/AR2009050102214.html?hpid=artslot

    ReplyDelete
  12. Funny thing is... you guys have most likely seen Mr. Daniel Hoffman-Gill are your television at some point or another.... But you're cool 'cause you live in the District of Columbia.... Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AnonymousMay 02, 2009

    I don't sit on my couch in front of the TV very often. Its all a Hott Mess except for Stewart and Colbert, anyway.

    But you're cool because you say so. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousMay 02, 2009

    AS SEEN ON TV!

    (That's what convinces suburbanites to buy stuff.)

    Good post, Dave.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Nixon was on TVMay 02, 2009

    "Good post, Dave."

    Read it again when you come down off the buzz you're currently riding.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't sit on my couch in front of the TV very often. Its all a Hott Mess except for Stewart and Colbert, anyway.

    But you're cool because you say so. Awesome.

    --Dork.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I watch Colbert Report. I think different. I have a Macintosh. Oh shit....

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousMay 02, 2009

    Move to Arkansas and live amongst your people. You'll be happier.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh dear.

    Nice to see the anon cowards are still in full effect, great to see that Dave's policy of not changing a damn thing round here is working SO well.

    What a fucking rubbish blog this is.

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousMay 11, 2009

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    M@ said:

    3. No longer will I be publishing or even reading anonymous hate mail. That's an automatic delete from this day forward.

    4. Also, I won't allow myself any longer to be baited into making (overtly) racist comments. (I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends.)

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    Luv the way the little bitch named 'm@' is "taking a few days off from the internet.'


    March 05, 2009
    Stanley said...
    lookin' a little tubby there, mattie. but hey, it goes with the receding hairline.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Oh, there's a bitch from Howard University who needs to get fucked.... I'll do that.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    "I have three African Americans and a half-Asian as Facebook friends."

    In other words; Facebook = Reality.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    What's the grad. rate there? 30%?

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Goodbye, nigger.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Bub bye! Have fun being black.

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I got a big white cock for ya, babe. :)

    9:42 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Re: Howard University. Duh on the DSL. I used that to bait you. You told me you work at Howard.

    Got a boyfriend there? LOL

    9:44 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, I think we should just have sex. I like black chicks.

    9:46 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    no, i was doing that too. i used three different services.

    9:49 PM

    M@ said...
    what are you? a receptionist? I know damn well you're not a doctor there. LOL.

    9:50 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    u know u want it.

    9:53 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    I can handle you.... and unlike black guys, i go down... ;)

    9:52 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    You WISH, girlfriend. Hey, do you have gmail? This would be much easier if I could just call you or chat.

    Are you OK? You seem obsessed with me. IT's unhealthy. I worry about you....

    9:56 PM

    M@ said...
    Look, if you have some serious points to make, I will listen to you. If you want to talk. I'm sorry about your troubles. Have a good night.

    9:57 PM

    March 05, 2009
    Anonymous said...
    M@ said...
    Yeah, what happened to you?

    9:58 PM

    M@ said...
    What happened to you, dude?

    ReplyDelete