The Red Line Delay: An Internal Monologue

The following is a rough transcript of my thoughts during the 10-minute delay on the Red Line this morning:

What stop is this? Cleveland Park? No. Woodley Park. Ugh, one more stop. Man, I want Cosi today. Does that fit into my diet? I won't get any meat on my sandwich. Just bagel, egg, and tomato. That sounds good. Cosi tomatoes are great. I wonder where they get their tomatoes. Is it weird to ask? Probably.

[The train stops in the tunnel.]

Ugh. Just one more stop. Go, Metro, GO! Dammit. Whatever. Thank God for the Express and Pearls Before Swine. That should occupy me for another two minutes.

Um. We haven't moved for awhile.

Train Driver: *bing* "We apologize for the inconvenience. There is a non-moving train at Farragut North. Once the train is moved, we will be on our way. Again, we apologize for the delay and thank you for riding Metro."

Phenomenal. Ugh. Should I post about this? No, it's no big deal. Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill. I can't just start complaining about every little thing. Come on, Rusty. Don't be such a pussy.

I've got to write something. I've got to keep those RSS people coming back. Maybe I should just post one word and see my hits spike. That would be kind of funny.

No, that's lame.

The woman across the aisle from me sneezes five times.

Gross. I hope I don't get sick. I can't believe I said "Bless you" and she didn't thank me. I've got to stop doing nice things just to get a polite response. It's obnoxious. Hey, what's that under her seat?

Holy fuck, she brought her dog on the train?

Ohhhh. She's blind. Man, that reminds me of Massachusetts. You get the best blindness perks on state taxes there. You hardly have to pay taxes and you can bring dogs on trains. That's the life.

Actually, that's stupid. Blind people probably would rather see than pay less taxes. Why do they even put the "check this if you're blind" thing on the tax forms when the forms aren't in Braille? It's not like blind people can read that. And is that on Braille tax forms? Isn't the usage of a Braille tax form proof of blindness.

There's probably some clever Braille-reading, non-blind motherfucker who would take advantage of that.

I wonder if her eyes are all fucked up. She isn't wearing shades. I wonder what Stevie Wonder's eyes look like? I'll Google that today. Come on, lady, turn around.

OH SHIT. She is not blind. Shit shit shit. I fucking made eye contact with someone who is NOT DISABLED. Fuck. She thinks I was staring at her because I thought she was blind.

Serves you fucking right, Rusty. Staring at people with disabilities? What are you, eight?

Maybe I can pretend I was looking at the dog. Stare at the dog. Maybe this will work. Nice dog, nice dog. Ok, wait for her to turn around and see you looking at the dog. WHY WON'T SHE TURN AROUND.

God damn it, I am not going to have enough time for Cosi.

Hey. We're moving. Yes! Almost there!

[Train abruptly stops again.]

Are you serious? We can't possible be more than half-a-mile from Dupont Circle. Is it illegal for me to leave the train and hoof it? Probably. Maybe if I told them I was important; like a doctor or something.

Oh my God I am so hungry.

[Train starts moving again and arrives at Dupont Circle 40 seconds later.]

FINALLY. Only 10 minutes. No big deal. No big deal at all.

So, anyone else inconvenienced by the Red Line "fiasco"?