4.27.2006

The Red Line Delay: An Internal Monologue

The following is a rough transcript of my thoughts during the 10-minute delay on the Red Line this morning:

What stop is this? Cleveland Park? No. Woodley Park. Ugh, one more stop. Man, I want Cosi today. Does that fit into my diet? I won't get any meat on my sandwich. Just bagel, egg, and tomato. That sounds good. Cosi tomatoes are great. I wonder where they get their tomatoes. Is it weird to ask? Probably.

[The train stops in the tunnel.]

Ugh. Just one more stop. Go, Metro, GO! Dammit. Whatever. Thank God for the Express and Pearls Before Swine. That should occupy me for another two minutes.

Um. We haven't moved for awhile.

Train Driver: *bing* "We apologize for the inconvenience. There is a non-moving train at Farragut North. Once the train is moved, we will be on our way. Again, we apologize for the delay and thank you for riding Metro."

Phenomenal. Ugh. Should I post about this? No, it's no big deal. Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill. I can't just start complaining about every little thing. Come on, Rusty. Don't be such a pussy.

I've got to write something. I've got to keep those RSS people coming back. Maybe I should just post one word and see my hits spike. That would be kind of funny.

No, that's lame.

The woman across the aisle from me sneezes five times.

Gross. I hope I don't get sick. I can't believe I said "Bless you" and she didn't thank me. I've got to stop doing nice things just to get a polite response. It's obnoxious. Hey, what's that under her seat?

Holy fuck, she brought her dog on the train?

Ohhhh. She's blind. Man, that reminds me of Massachusetts. You get the best blindness perks on state taxes there. You hardly have to pay taxes and you can bring dogs on trains. That's the life.

Actually, that's stupid. Blind people probably would rather see than pay less taxes. Why do they even put the "check this if you're blind" thing on the tax forms when the forms aren't in Braille? It's not like blind people can read that. And is that on Braille tax forms? Isn't the usage of a Braille tax form proof of blindness.

There's probably some clever Braille-reading, non-blind motherfucker who would take advantage of that.

I wonder if her eyes are all fucked up. She isn't wearing shades. I wonder what Stevie Wonder's eyes look like? I'll Google that today. Come on, lady, turn around.

OH SHIT. She is not blind. Shit shit shit. I fucking made eye contact with someone who is NOT DISABLED. Fuck. She thinks I was staring at her because I thought she was blind.

Serves you fucking right, Rusty. Staring at people with disabilities? What are you, eight?

Maybe I can pretend I was looking at the dog. Stare at the dog. Maybe this will work. Nice dog, nice dog. Ok, wait for her to turn around and see you looking at the dog. WHY WON'T SHE TURN AROUND.

God damn it, I am not going to have enough time for Cosi.

Hey. We're moving. Yes! Almost there!

[Train abruptly stops again.]

Are you serious? We can't possible be more than half-a-mile from Dupont Circle. Is it illegal for me to leave the train and hoof it? Probably. Maybe if I told them I was important; like a doctor or something.

Oh my God I am so hungry.

[Train starts moving again and arrives at Dupont Circle 40 seconds later.]

FINALLY. Only 10 minutes. No big deal. No big deal at all.

So, anyone else inconvenienced by the Red Line "fiasco"?

37 comments:

  1. This blog's subtitle should be changed to "And why I have a big hard-on for Massachusetts."

    Do you really think Massachusetts is the only tax jurisdiction with tax breaks for the blind? Why bring it up?

    I dare you to make it through one posting without mentioning Massachusetts, Cape Cod, Boston, or anything New England related.

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  2. Other than my rotary/circle piece and my trip to Boston, I don't think I've ever really brought it up. I mean, I mentioned I had a Mass. ID, but that was in context.

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  3. Perhaps the blind are the only ones who truly see and it is we who are truly blind.

    Ever think of that???

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  4. HAPPY 30TH ANNIVERSARY TO METRO

    FUCK ALL THE TRANSPLANTS AND WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT YOU

    NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK ANYWAY

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  5. "Perhaps the blind are the only ones who truly see and it is we who are truly blind."

    thats just stupid. nice attempt at humor.

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  6. Why not go back to Massachusetts? You already let "a bitter 28-year-old fat fraternity spawned man-child" ruin your dreams ("I knew that I would be a small fish in a much bigger pond, but I was special! I could make a difference!!"). What's keeping you here? Have you half-assed your way through the LSAT's again? I'm sure UMASS has a fine law school.

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  7. Other than the many times you've referenced Boston/Mass, you've hardly mentioned it!

    LOL

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  8. I thought you were going to post something about catching Lemurs - Sorry for going off topic, just wanted to fuck up your day...

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  9. Dude, you talk about massachusetts more than ted kennedy and kerry combined. Nice senators. One is a fat drunk who is basically guilty of negligent homicide and the other is a turdhead.

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  10. Ted Kennedy and John Kerry are awesome Senators and I am proud to have voted for both of them.

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  11. oh man, lets get back to the topic of reasons metro sucks...

    has anyone ever noticed that there is a connection between the number of delays and whether or not your driver pronounces the names of the stations correctly?

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  12. "Like, Ted Kennedy is just awesome man!" Like, gag me with a spoon! Be careful Rusty you might just be giving away your political inclinations!

    How fatboy Teddy is still not in jail is beyond me. Does it bother you that he drove a girl off a bridge and left her to drown? I guess not, because you are "proud" you voted for him. Like, really.

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  13. "Perhaps the blind are the only ones who truly see and it is we who are truly blind."

    THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOME WHITE GIRL COFFEE SHOP COFFEE HOUSE PHILOSOPHY SHIT

    FUCK THAT BULLSHIT

    I FELL SORRY FOR THE GUY WHO GETS WHIPPED BY HER AND THEN HAS TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE LISTENING TO THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT

    ONE CAN ONLY TOLERATE SO MUCH

    CHANCES ARE HE WILL ONLY TOLERATE IT UNTIL SHE STARTS TO HIT THE WALL AND LOOSE HER LOOKS

    THEN HE WILL MOST DEFINITELY MAKE A RUN FOR IT

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  14. YES!!! I had that same experience too. It was unbelievable... by far the most distressing [screetching stop] meto trip i've ever had. I actualyl [screeching stop] began to worry. When it takes [screeching stop] you 30 mins to [screeching stop] get from cleveland park [screeching stop] to faragut north, you [screeching stop] really have to question the worth of Metro.

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  15. I was on the train that broke down at Dupont Circle. When it stopped people actually fell into one another. I decided to walk to work after that...fortunately I was only one stop away.

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  16. As a fellow red line rider I completely understand the annoyances of metro. However just be thankful that you don't have to deal with the orange or green lines. The orange is beyond crowded and the green line only comes once ever six minutes or so. It could be worse.

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  17. How many people read this blog just to go to the Comments and talk shit? Jesus...

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  18. Funny, the red line coming from Silver Spring was nice and smooth today... I enjoyed it. Had just the right amount of time to read the paper and then bump some mos def as I was getting off the train to walk to my office. got a perfect two tunes in on the walk.. good times...

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  19. yeah don't you feel really bad when you thought someone was disabled/ retarded turned out to not be? Your entire view of them changes and then you feel like a horrible perseon. man, I hate that

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  20. want some cheese with you whine?April 28, 2006

    Wah......

    Stop your fucking crying you bunch of ungrateful pussies. Be glad you can actually USE metro and don't have to drive every day like many of us.

    You would bitch if you were hung with a new rope.

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  21. Are new ropes scratchier?

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  22. That wasn't a dog, that was my sister!

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  23. how do you HAVE to drive? I can see how you would HAVE to drive to a far out metro stop.....

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  24. "Interestingly enough, my hometown of Yarmouth, Mass. had a similar program. Students could just go in and out and learn at their own pace. It was great. We called it special ed."

    and that was just recently. you didn't have to mention where you were from to make that semi-joke even work, but low and behold, there it is again.

    and if these people on here knew you were actually "Lester the fourth" they would hate you even more.

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  25. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)April 28, 2006

    Lester the 4th? what the fuck is that?

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  26. Well, brining up Mass. and praising Mass. are two different things.

    But, fair enough.

    And please use "IV"..."4th" is so gauche.

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  27. want some cheese with your whine?April 28, 2006

    Simple. The mass transit in this shithole is so bad that it doesn't go anywhere near either my office or my home.

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  28. Umm, well, you yourself said:

    "Other than my rotary/circle piece and my trip to Boston, I don't think I've ever really brought it up."

    But now you say:

    "Well, brining [sic] up Mass. and praising Mass. are two different things."

    ReplyDelete
  29. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)April 28, 2006

    This is not the first time Rusty has been found out to be speaking from both sides of his arse. His response will be "ok...next topic."

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  30. No, I admit I was wrong. My line of defense should have been "I do have a big hard-on for Massachusetts because it is better than the Greater Washington Area."

    That would have been more persuasive.

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  31. I think AKA's world is pretty small.

    When I talk to people from around the country, they say that no one is actually FROM Washington. They're actually just low-paid extras hired by the government to convince us that this is a real place.

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  32. you do looooove massachusetts. i think your blog has been on the up and up lately, so keep it up. i think that not posting about sports is the key. man, i apologize for not using proper capitalization. what, do i think i'm fucking ee cummings or something?

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  33. You don't know Red Line Delays... seriously, from Metro Center to Brookland CUA today it took 45 minutes. Both ways, and I was in a hurry. DC metro sux.

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  34. The red line might suck but have you been on the blue line in the morning between Pentagon and Rosslyn... oh hell they brake so hard I know one day I'm going to tumble and it's going to be so crowded that i'm going to get trampled and die... and lay there for another 10 minutes while the blue train is waiting for the "orange train at the platform before them"

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  35. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  36. How far away do you live that they don't go to your home or office?

    I'm actually from this city. I wish they paid me to say that because my job isn't helping me out with all of these cost of living increases.

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  37. AnonymousMay 05, 2006

    i think you may be my soul mate. or maybe we just share the same brain.

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