My second straight Washington Post Metro section entry! Hurray!
Just caught this on B1 of the paper. "U-Md. Team's Victory Prompts Uproar by Fans."
Before I get into making fun of Maryland and women's basketball, let me congratulate the Terrapins for beating Duke to take their first ever NCAA championship. Good work, ladies!
Of course, by winning a championship and by beating Duke, you ladies are now responsible for starting a riot. You know you can't beat Duke without having blood on your hands! You're just feeding into the massive inferiority complex that Maryland students have whenever someone mentions Duke. It might have something to do with Duke having better basketball teams and smarter students. That's my personal hypothesis.
So, anyways, RIOT. Fortunately, since this was women's basketball, and no one in the country gives a shit about women's basketball, it was a quiet riot. The Maryland students tried, but were unable, to tip over a bus. They did manage to seriously injure someone though. Good for them.
"This is my craziest riot," said a woman who identified herself as Shelley Avney. "Trying to knock over a bus, tearing down street signs, burning things -- it's crazy."
Yes, it is crazy. It's crazy that you aren't in jail. I hope your parents read this article and I hope they cry. Because they failed. You, Shelley Avney, if that is your real name, are a horrible, horrible, horrible person. I went a little nuts when the Red Sox won the World Series, but I managed not to destroy anything.
Shea Hoxie, 21, a senior majoring in government and politics and criminology, said: "I was disappointed we didn't flip over the bus. We rioted for the women's basketball team, which is out of character for us. We needed something to cheer for."
How is rioting out of character for Maryland? If Maryland beat Duke in a Golden Tee tournament, there would be a riot. Also, "we needed something to cheer for" implies that you were actually looking for an excuse to tip over a bus. If you need to tip over a bus to have a good time, you are retarded. Or you're a Maryland student. Or both. God knows they accept anyone.