This Metro Section is a Goldmine

My second straight Washington Post Metro section entry! Hurray!

Just caught this on B1 of the paper. "U-Md. Team's Victory Prompts Uproar by Fans."

Before I get into making fun of Maryland and women's basketball, let me congratulate the Terrapins for beating Duke to take their first ever NCAA championship. Good work, ladies!

Of course, by winning a championship and by beating Duke, you ladies are now responsible for starting a riot. You know you can't beat Duke without having blood on your hands! You're just feeding into the massive inferiority complex that Maryland students have whenever someone mentions Duke. It might have something to do with Duke having better basketball teams and smarter students. That's my personal hypothesis.

So, anyways, RIOT. Fortunately, since this was women's basketball, and no one in the country gives a shit about women's basketball, it was a quiet riot. The Maryland students tried, but were unable, to tip over a bus. They did manage to seriously injure someone though. Good for them.

"This is my craziest riot," said a woman who identified herself as Shelley Avney. "Trying to knock over a bus, tearing down street signs, burning things -- it's crazy."

Yes, it is crazy. It's crazy that you aren't in jail. I hope your parents read this article and I hope they cry. Because they failed. You, Shelley Avney, if that is your real name, are a horrible, horrible, horrible person. I went a little nuts when the Red Sox won the World Series, but I managed not to destroy anything.

Shea Hoxie, 21, a senior majoring in government and politics and criminology, said: "I was disappointed we didn't flip over the bus. We rioted for the women's basketball team, which is out of character for us. We needed something to cheer for."

How is rioting out of character for Maryland? If Maryland beat Duke in a Golden Tee tournament, there would be a riot. Also, "we needed something to cheer for" implies that you were actually looking for an excuse to tip over a bus. If you need to tip over a bus to have a good time, you are retarded. Or you're a Maryland student. Or both. God knows they accept anyone.


  1. Hey, first of all, I graduated from the Politics department at Maryland, and it is a reputable, formidable force to be dealt with. It aint Havad but I liked it and learned a thing or two while there. I also had a great time with the student orgs I was involved in and with all the protests I started in and out of class. Enough about that. So yeah Duke can kiss my ass as well as the idiot who started the so-called riot.

  2. Second. You need a min. 3.8 to get into Maryland. That is a fact. What do you need to get into the University of Spoiled Children aka American? Brains or dad's credit card? NO offense, still luv ya.

  3. Third. They'll kick you out of the Government and Politics department at MD if you get one "C". No kidding. Doubt that happens at American or GW. They would lose all their students.

    Fourth. I got into GW and Georgetown but prefered MD because of the student organizations and the lower cost and great profs.

    So there.

  4. Just for the record:


  5. Nadia,

    Making fun of Maryland is kind of a running gag for me. I know that UMD is ranked higher than AU.

    However, I have not once met a smart UMD student. It's bad luck. I've met 6 or 7 of em and they happened to be dumb and/or jerks. I know it's a ridiculously small sample size, but it's all I have to judge on. Well, that and the constant rioting.

  6. While flipping through the channels I ACCIDENTALLY came upon the game just starting in OT tied at 70.

    Though it was only women's basketball, I rationalized by saying that it WAS afterall a close, spirited contest. There was some back and forth. And when it was all over, I didn't know what to do. I was just like, "Fuck yeah!" Alright, now for another episode of CSI.

  7. The 3.8 requirement isn't true, though. I think it's a good school, but that's just not true.

  8. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)April 05, 2006

    You need to pass a urine test to get into UMd.

  9. Oh, good burn Krystal Koons! Hey, this American U. alumnus (did I get the plural correct?) actually did pass a urine test recently. Btw, I am quite sure UMD students are "schmoking" their fair share. My ex-girfriend got into Maryland some years ago and she was practically retarded....

  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  11. Have you ever been to UMD?
    It's boring.
    We have a lot of semi-smart kids, a few brilliant students, and a whole lotta retards.
    What happens when these factors unite?
    Don't hate.

  12. Geez guys, enough about UMD. Lets get back to the ranting about DC in general...UMD is a safe little oasis from the rest of the Metro; a lot of the students are from Boston and NY!
    Now back to the hate...

  13. Rusty, did the UMD riot wow ya?

  14. This kid Shea Hoxie (which is his real name) is an idiot, as are the vast majority of UM students. His poor parents, both of which are deaf and had to struggle to pay for his sorry as to go there, and now they have a dumbass kid mouthing off to the WP during a riot.

    Also, 3.8 my ass. Nadia, you don't know shit about UM.

  15. I was at the "riot." I'd say, out of about 700 people there, maybe 10 or so dumb frat boys tried to tip the bus. Most people were yelling at them to stop, and after about 5 minutes, the tools gave up. The rest of us stood there for about an hour just screaming "let's goooo Maryland." Seeing as you went to everyone's favorite backup school (it was also mine), you are probably unfamiliar what it's like to have something like school pride. The game was simply amazing. The entire first half, the one junior, two sophomores, and two freshman terps looked like peanuts next to Duke's 6'7 guards that double teamed our best scorer. They trailed by double digits most of the game, and one of the freshman, Toliver, hit an amazing three pointer that was nothing but net with less than 5 seconds left in the game, forcing overtime. The girtles (as we affectionately call them) have not lost a game in overtime, and this time was no different. So after the game, a lot of fans ran to route 1 to cheer together. I'll be the first to admit there are a lot of stupid kids at this school who believe that destroying the already shitty PG County is a way to "celebrate" but I promise they are not in the majority. They are the majority that gets in the news, because it makes a good story. I'm willing to bet the girls that talked to the news reporter knew exactly what to say to get on the news, and in print. I talked to the reporters as I was walking back to my apartment, and they asked what happened at the riot and my roommate and I, (and most of the other people), just told them we were chanting and there were two bonfires that the bars let us set on their property. Thirty minutes after the bus incident was over, we were still there chanting (no one was destroying anything at this point, to my knowledge) and the gentlemen that are the PG County police officers told us if we didn't shut up and leave, they would use pepper spray on us. Apparently, this is when the girl got hit in the street.

    Here are two pictures from the very dangerous riot:

  16. Hey irina, you're kinda hot. Any topless pics of you floating around on the net?

  17. Horndog,

    Leave her alone. I get the feeling she's smarter than us.

  18. is it the "always right" part? Oh irony... you should ask my dad how often I'm right, he'll lol. Oh dad, why can't I make you proud?

  19. Irena's DadApril 06, 2006

    Show them your cans girl.

  20. Down SyndromeApril 06, 2006

    Can Nadia come out and play?

  21. rusty,

    Smart girls can have nice titties too.

    Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze, irina........

  22. horndog sounds like he went to Duke and played Lacrosse....
    ok he doesn't quite sound like that because he isn't tossing in any "pick my cotton" 'jokes' or talking about skinning anyone alive...


    great school, great athletes, great students seriously.....

  23. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)April 06, 2006

    Alumnus is the singular. Alumni is plural.

    -Krystal Koons' Wak attack

  24. sorry, horndog, no pictures. but yes, smart girls often have nice titties. it's just that you can't get past the titties to see the smartness.

  25. irina, I love it when you talk dirty. Can you talk about titties a little more? ;-)

  26. "UMD is a safe little oasis from the rest of the Metro; a lot of the students are from Boston and NY!"

    Unfortuantely there are alot of people at UMD from New York and Boston. There the ones who start all the riots and make the already weak College Park bar scene completely unbearable.

  27. A friend of mine calls the Metro section "The Stupidity Sheet." I think it's a pretty accurate description.


  29. She did more than break her ankle.


    I guess you can chalk this error up to great DC reporting. She'll need PT and she'll have to relearn how to walk.

  30. basically, all I want to say is, whoever made that comment about shea hoxie is an imbecile. And you obviously have no idea what you are talking about. So readers, please realize that when reading these comments, they're probably mostly trashy pissed off people who are looking to make others feel or look bad in order to make themselves look better. Shea Hoxie is my boyfriends best friend, and he is an amazing man.