Hollywood for Ugly People

Calling Washington "Hollywood for Ugly People" is admittedly unoriginal. It's also undeniably accurate. Nothing illustrates this better than the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner. There's nothing more insipid than journalists and politicians laughing at each other's jokes. Both the current administration and the current national press have proven themselves woefully incompetent over the past few years so I'm really not feeling the urge to share a drink and a smile with these buffoons.

The dinner after-parties are of course the talk of the town. Why? Who knows. It's just a bunch of rich self-important assholes getting shitfaced with other rich self-important assholes. The only people who care are so far up their own asses. That they even think we should care about what cocktail some bureaucrat asshole is drinking blows my fucking mind.

The Washington Post continues to perpetuate this slop. The article written by Libby Copeland and Dana Milbank is such a fucking disaster. It's a tale of two people getting drunk. There, I just summed up the entire article in one sentence. It's also written in a style that's too cheeky by half. To wit:

There's already a line at the Costa Rican Embassy, and some dude in front of us is helping his friends cut ahead, which makes us feel very fourth grade (Hey! No cutting!), and the poor shlubs who aren't on the list are being made to wait in a roped-off "penalty box."

"We were invited by Ludacris!" a woman wails.

Pathetic creature.

Geez, guys. That wasn't very nice. Whatever. On to the celebrities! Let's see who else our intrepid reporters ran into:

There's Georgette Mosbacher mincing past in high-high heels, looking like she should be carrying a teeny-tiny dog in her arms.

I don't know who that is. The article gives no explanation. A quick wiki check shows the following:

Georgette Mosbacher (b. January 16, 1947) is the CEO of Borghese, a cosmetics manufacturer based in New York City. From 1987 to 1991, she was the owner and CEO of La Prairie.

Mosbacher served as national co-chairman of John McCain's 2000 presidential campaign and is co-chair of the Republican National Committee's Finance Committee.

She is the former wife of Robert Muir, George Barrie, and Robert Mosbacher. Her sister is former supermodel Lyn Paulsin.

Yes, folks. This is what passes a hot celebrity sighting in Washington.

Now, where were we? We see Marc Cherry, the portly "Desperate Housewives" creator who looks the teensiest bit like Karl Rove.

This gets a pass because Cherry was on Arrested Development. He inspired some hot boy-on-her? action. That's right, I am making stupid jokes that only Arrested Development viewers will understand because I am getting so fucking bored with this stupid article.

We chat up [Michelle] Kwan, who reports that during dinner she gabbed with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice about how hard it is to find the right ice skates.

Man, these two so-called "reporters" couldn't even track down a gold medal winner? Lame.

Valerie Bertinelli is in a corner sitting on some stairs, surrounded by People people, and pronouncing herself a "wallflower."

Jesus Christ I have no idea who this fucking person is either. Again, Copeland and Milbank give the reader no explanation. It turns out she's mostly famous for being Eddie Van Halen's ex-wife. Copeland and Milbank should be lauded for looking straight into the luminosity of these mega-stars and not even flinching.

Minutes later, she stands up on the stairs and surveys the hot and sweaty crowd, looking for her boyfriend, Tom Vitale.

Oh my God. This is the third mystery person in this stupid piece-of-crap article. Wikipedia is of no help unless Vitale is the Senior Vice President of Programming & Original Movies for the Sci Fi Channel. That seems hella obscure for a mention in the Style section of the paper.

Then this happens:

We mosey over to the Capitol File party at the Colombian ambassador's residence, by now quite fuzzyheaded from teeny-weeny drinkie-winkies, and on our way in we catch sight of booted "American Idol" contestant Chris Sligh.

Hey, Chris! What's it like to be temporarily famous?

"Hopefully, it's not temporary," he says politely.

Oopsie-daisy. Awk-ward

At least they explained who the fuck Chris Sligh was. Then they go on to make fun of him. For not being famous enough. Yeah, Chris Sligh! You are no Tom Vitale! Take that! BURN!

And "teeny-weeny drinkie-winkies"? Really? That's what you two agreed on? This was a collaborative effort. One of you should have realized how stupid that phrase is.

The article abruptly ends right about there. I hate this fucking town. The city gets so worked up over an after-party hosted by Christopher Hitchens and attended by the chick who was married to the "Panama" guy. This is what drives the city's gossip. The self-importance is nauseating. These people are not famous. No one cares. Or, more accurately, no one should care. This city is so fucking masturbatory. Politicians! Journalists! Drinking! This is the apex of the Washington social calendar and the Post can't do better than to print a run-in with Michelle "Ha Ha! She Fell Again" Kwan.

I hope Copeland and Milbank have hangovers.


  1. OMG that article sounds like a LNS post.

  2. "I hate this fucking town."

    Then move, idiot.

    "No one cares."

    Except, apparently, you.

    "This city is so fucking masturbatory."

    This blog doesn't help. Please, stop being such a fucking pussy and leave. God, the passive-aggressive hatred on this site is unreal. It's like you'd rather complain than do anything to improve your life.

  3. "The self-importance is nauseating. These people are not famous. No one cares. Or, more accurately, no one should care."

    Er, did you just post an entire blog entry focusing on them?

    Because you can actually pick and choose which articles you read in the Post. I do it each morning and it really doesn't take a lot of effort.

  4. I picked on this article because it represents a larger problem. Namely that this ctiy shits itself over a dinner filled with B-level celebrities, corrupt politicans, and incompetent journalists. People in DC treat it like it's the fucking Oscars.


  5. i especially liked the part in the story where the dynamic duo told us that kwan and condi became so BFF that michelle would find condi the perfect set of skates.

  6. So if we understand you, The Oscars is newsworthy, but the having the rich insiders who actually DO run the country get together in the same place is somehow less newsworthy?

    Look, Hollywood is nice, but it's empty-headed. Lest you forget, the people at the DC event could have a dozen bunker-busters dropped on the Oscars crowd without much effort.

    That's how ugly people get down.

    PS - if that chick's sister was a supermodel, I sincerely doubt she's ugly. Have a look in the mirror, Fabio.

  7. All of those "celebrities" you mentioned have probably masturbated to that WaPo article twice today, in between the Soduko puzzle, of course.

    PS. I like how commenter 2 is pissed about your so-called “passive aggressiveness”, but choose to read your entire post and leave a passive aggressive response to complain about your complaining. What a fucking hypocrite. DC is the perfect place for that sort of person.

  8. "People in DC treat it like it's the fucking Oscars."

    A. Which "people"? The ones who are invited to attend, and the ones who "cover" the event? Because no one I talk to knows -- or cares -- anything about it.

    B. So, are you saying they shouldn't treat it like the Oscars because the Oscars are cool? Like, it's a good thing when a town freaks out over Billy Bush interviewing William H. Macy on the red carpet?

  9. Pathetic creatures.

  10. Anonymous #2, if you don't like a blog about hating DC, don't read it, idiot.

    And no, the Oscars aren't important, but they have the distraction-factor of really, really ridiculously good looking people. Who are actors and don't need to be smart.

    Here on the other hand, we have ugly people who actually run the country and should ostensibly be smart. The fact that this sort of event reveals them to be venal drunken idiots is both disgusting and embarrasing.

  11. Libby and Dana are hacks! I should have been assigned this story! I would have gotten the real scoop!!!

  12. Rusty, a true wonk would have connected Georgette Mosbacher to Robert Mosbacher, Secretary of Commerce under Bush/41.

    So the big question is, how does one score an invitation to this event?

  13. yeah Mr "Look, Hollywood is nice, but it's empty-headed." you'd get a total boner if you ever saw halle berry or nicole kidman at your committee hearing, so shut the fuck up. I bet you've never seen a movie? Then can it ass wipe.

    "rich insiders" running the country. don't you mean "ruining" the country? And they are the ones sucking hollywood wang for campaign money....

  14. Reporters are all a Douche .......

  15. Only if Halle and Nicole were at a committee hearing on why empty-headed crap distracts the public from actual meaningful topics. See, if you had said Angelina Jolie I would have been with you. She could have given you some decent hemp and shown you how to make it into a shirt and have fun with the leftovers.

    Having said that I stand by my statement that for the White-House-Fake-Comedy-And-Dress-Up-Night to aspire to be anything like Oscars would just be stupid. At least here in DC you have the possibility of a riot if Stephen Colbert shows up. This is why I watch the Source Awards.

  16. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    Man! People are harsh on this blog. Especially about not liking D.C. It never fails to amuse me how many people show up to comment on how much they hate a blog that hates D.C. Lovin' it.

    - Lae

    P.S. I, personally, like to refer to D.C. as a self-congratulatory circle jerk...you know, whenever I get sick of "hollywood for ugly people."

  17. Valerie Bertinelli was on some 1970's hit TV show...and she does Jenny Craig with Kirstie Ally.

    Yeah, I don't know anyone who actually gets that excited for this event.

    Mostly because if you want to meet Christopher Hitchens, or any other politicians or writers, then you have MANY many other ways of doing it. That is because writers and politicians alike have to be whores for their audiences. Keep the fans happy so they will keep buying the books and voting.

    I have to agree with the phrase "This city is so fcuking masturbatory"...oh yes it is...the guys are worse than the girls by far...every one of them you meet acts like you should genuflect whenever you are in their presence.

  18. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    Tom Vitale was a stock broker in Scottsdale, Arizona that was fired from his job and arrested for beating his wife in front of his kids which lead to her getting a restraining order against him while she divorced him. He even sold the family minivan and Harley Davison motorcycle and kept the money. Good luck Valerie.