You too can have your own pretentious hyper local blog

You know what DC has way too many of? Guns is the wrong answer, I don't even have one yet. I'm talking about neighborhood blogs.

I bet you probably have your own neighborhood blog. Everyone has their own damn blog that talks about their neighborhood and how awesome it is. How it's the only place in the whole universe they want to live. And how even though they have to push a passed out crackwhore off their porch each night, $425,000 was an absolute STEAL for their house.

Well you know what? If you don't have your own already, click on that "Sign Up" button on the annoying Blogger bar and create one for yourself. Here's some tips to get you going:

Tips to making a successful neighborhood blog

Your blog's banner must include a photo of either the local Metro station, or a group of rowhouses.

You should only live in a neighborhood that's considered "gentrifying." Only fellow gentrifiers read blogs. People who live in the already posh areas do not read blogs. This is a fact.

At a minimum, one post per week must be dedicated to the discussion of dog parks.

Feign outrage at people's "indifference" to homelessness and poverty while making sure your iPod is loud enough that you don't hear requests for change when walking to the Metro.

You should always discuss how awesomely friendly your neighbors are, in so much that the people who have "lived there forever" say hi to you.

Hearing gunshots warrants an immediate "live blogging" event. You should definitely make note of how long it took the police to arrive. You should also mention that while you aren't sure what actually occurred, you intend to call the police station to find out. You may or may not post a follow up, explaining how unhelpful the police were on the phone.

Highlight how much the neighborhood has changed since you moved in, and how you now feel comfortable "walking anywhere you want" before 7 PM.

You should lament how despite the growing number of restaurants and bars, you have yet to find one that's "cozy" or "neighborhood" enough for you. Don't mention that any place that would meet this criteria is EWWW waaay too gross for your taste.

Post a lot of poorly composed, low quality photos that you took with your iPhone/cell phone.

Lament the lack of a good (name brand) grocery store in your neighborhood.

When a new, name brand grocery store arrives, lament the harm done to local grocers.

Talk endlessly about how you ride your bicycle to work, and how much you hate DC drivers. Leave out the fact that you most likely don't even ride on the street, and you mow down a few pedestrians each week.

Refer to your neighborhood with a ridiculous acronym (i.e. BloMi for Bloomingdale).

Decry those who refer to a neighborhood with a ridiculous acronym (i.e. MtP).

Attempt to have constructive dialogue about race relations on your blog.

Become frustrated about the lack of constructive dialogue about race relations on your blog.

Talk about how the new people (or businesses) moving into the neighborhood don't understand the true character of the fourteen square block area called "Viagra Triangle Square."

Whenever you see police or fire activity, make a post asking your neighbors what happened. Because you know, you were too busy to actually go look but you care enough to write about it on your blog.

Champion all local businesses, so long as they cater to the "young to middle age affluent white" crowd. Florida Avenue Fish Market can suck it.

Periodically sprinkle in references to your true hometown (Englewood NJ, Des Moines IA, the State of California) and that "DC is nothing like I expected, but I still love it."

Describe yourself as a "DC lifer" after you have spent three consecutive years in the area.

Refer to your blog as if you live inside it. "We here at BloMiStan absolutely love the new dog park at 7th and Upyours."

Highlight the fact that you have, on at least three occasions, ridden on the city bus.

If you follow these tips, you should find yourself linked by DCist and The Washington City Paper in no time! Maybe you can even become blog friends with Tina.