2.12.2009

You too can have your own pretentious hyper local blog



You know what DC has way too many of? Guns is the wrong answer, I don't even have one yet. I'm talking about neighborhood blogs.

I bet you probably have your own neighborhood blog. Everyone has their own damn blog that talks about their neighborhood and how awesome it is. How it's the only place in the whole universe they want to live. And how even though they have to push a passed out crackwhore off their porch each night, $425,000 was an absolute STEAL for their house.

Well you know what? If you don't have your own already, click on that "Sign Up" button on the annoying Blogger bar and create one for yourself. Here's some tips to get you going:

Tips to making a successful neighborhood blog

Your blog's banner must include a photo of either the local Metro station, or a group of rowhouses.

You should only live in a neighborhood that's considered "gentrifying." Only fellow gentrifiers read blogs. People who live in the already posh areas do not read blogs. This is a fact.

At a minimum, one post per week must be dedicated to the discussion of dog parks.

Feign outrage at people's "indifference" to homelessness and poverty while making sure your iPod is loud enough that you don't hear requests for change when walking to the Metro.

You should always discuss how awesomely friendly your neighbors are, in so much that the people who have "lived there forever" say hi to you.

Hearing gunshots warrants an immediate "live blogging" event. You should definitely make note of how long it took the police to arrive. You should also mention that while you aren't sure what actually occurred, you intend to call the police station to find out. You may or may not post a follow up, explaining how unhelpful the police were on the phone.

Highlight how much the neighborhood has changed since you moved in, and how you now feel comfortable "walking anywhere you want" before 7 PM.

You should lament how despite the growing number of restaurants and bars, you have yet to find one that's "cozy" or "neighborhood" enough for you. Don't mention that any place that would meet this criteria is EWWW waaay too gross for your taste.

Post a lot of poorly composed, low quality photos that you took with your iPhone/cell phone.

Lament the lack of a good (name brand) grocery store in your neighborhood.

When a new, name brand grocery store arrives, lament the harm done to local grocers.

Talk endlessly about how you ride your bicycle to work, and how much you hate DC drivers. Leave out the fact that you most likely don't even ride on the street, and you mow down a few pedestrians each week.

Refer to your neighborhood with a ridiculous acronym (i.e. BloMi for Bloomingdale).

Decry those who refer to a neighborhood with a ridiculous acronym (i.e. MtP).

Attempt to have constructive dialogue about race relations on your blog.

Become frustrated about the lack of constructive dialogue about race relations on your blog.

Talk about how the new people (or businesses) moving into the neighborhood don't understand the true character of the fourteen square block area called "Viagra Triangle Square."

Whenever you see police or fire activity, make a post asking your neighbors what happened. Because you know, you were too busy to actually go look but you care enough to write about it on your blog.

Champion all local businesses, so long as they cater to the "young to middle age affluent white" crowd. Florida Avenue Fish Market can suck it.

Periodically sprinkle in references to your true hometown (Englewood NJ, Des Moines IA, the State of California) and that "DC is nothing like I expected, but I still love it."

Describe yourself as a "DC lifer" after you have spent three consecutive years in the area.

Refer to your blog as if you live inside it. "We here at BloMiStan absolutely love the new dog park at 7th and Upyours."

Highlight the fact that you have, on at least three occasions, ridden on the city bus.




If you follow these tips, you should find yourself linked by DCist and The Washington City Paper in no time! Maybe you can even become blog friends with Tina.

36 comments:

  1. 100% on point with this post.

    I hate all of these stupid fuck transplants and their stupid fuck blogs.

    Nobody from here gives a flying fuck about that.

    Blogs and strollers are 2 things transplants brought with them and they will leave them both behind when DC returns to the urban ghetto it once was and crime goes through the roof thus forcing the transplants to get the hell out of dodge.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hopefully widespread riots will force out all the annoying transplant scum sooner rather than later.

    May 5th 2011 is less than 27 months away.

    I am already starting to feel nostalgic.

    Hopefully many many many many many others will start to feel nostalgic too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Periodically sprinkle in references to your true hometown (Englewood NJ, Des Moines IA, the State of California) and that "DC is nothing like I expected, but I still love it."

    Describe yourself as a "DC lifer" after you have spent three consecutive years in the area.


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  4. Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Chew Chew Chew
    Huh Huh Huh

    Happy Friday the 13th you Motherfuckers!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. mmm mmm... that's some good hatin' right there.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sometimes I wish DC has its very own JASON to get rid of all of the transplant scumbags who have moved here.

    Of course his name would not be JASON it would have to be TYRONE or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ha ha ha! Hilarious observation, and I sometimes resemble that remark. Though I don't give a crap about dog parks, and my picture of rowhouses isn't actually from my neighborhood.

    But fuck you anyway, because I was probably living in DC before you were born and I had a web site before you had a cell phone.

    Who's Tina?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Touche Jamie, however more people read this than read yours, so in the realm of neighborhood blogging I win that pissing contest.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Navel Gazing! Black Pots! Kettles!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Damn YO.

    This post is going to hit to close to home to a lot of people.

    Expect to receive lots of hate mail.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The New York Times, late to the game, ran a feature a couple of weeks ago detailing the neighborhood blog phenomenon in a city even more hipper than D.C.

    El-oh-el.

    I once lived on the outer fringes of Admo, nearer to to CHeights, and know ALL about the young white couple with the dog at the fucking dog park scene.

    Jesus. This post was brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  12. And for those of you Virginia haters, I happen to live only one block from a Metro station, which on Saturdays doubles as a farmers' market.

    You can totally get a cantaloupe there for $US6.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think a lot of people who would send hate mail are too busy reviewing some obscure taquería in Mount Pleasant or hanging out in potential dog parks for blog research.

    p.s. I think the guy who talks obsessively about the impending massacre of transplant scum should contribute to why I hate DC.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sometimes I wish I was not WHITE.
    Sometimes I wake up wishing I was born into another race.

    ReplyDelete
  15. truly top notch hate, please keep it coming.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yeah but you inherited your readers, I had to earn my 16. My response.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Very nice Jamie, I actually really enjoyed that one. The only thing to nitpick is that I live East of Rock Creek Park.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Brilliant post! Absolutely hysterical! Thanks for the chuckle!

    ReplyDelete
  19. PRINCE OF PETWORTH has got to be red as fuck in the face right about now.

    "Oh Oh"
    "Somehow they have managed to figure me out"
    "Maybe I am not as original as I thought I was"

    :(

    FUCK THE PRINCE OF PETWORTH!

    ReplyDelete
  20. prince of petworth fucking sucks

    but no one sucks as much as m@ the virginia vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Very witty. I read them, appreciate the effort they make to inform the community, but think you hit the nail right on the head.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I loved the ridiculous acronym part.

    So would that make Friendship Heights the "Frights"?

    ReplyDelete
  23. 20 years ago the PRINCE OF PETWORTH would have been the BITCH OF PETWORTH.

    And with the way the economy is going right now things just might head in that direction again.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is spot-on. POP really needs to get priced out of his neighborhood.

    That said, can you please (PLEASE) do the same for the even worse social engineer bloggers who seem to get off on pretending like their degree in ethnomusicology somehow translates to a categorical knowledge of the transit/road/livability needs of a population of 3.6 million? If I see GGWash editors interviewed in the examiner one more time I will drive to work every day thereafter.

    Seriously: The Apple Store in Georgetown foreshadows dick. An extra long green light at some fuck you intersection in NE is not car-friendly; it's reflective of the fact that no-one wants to spend any time in, let alone live in NE. Metro Cutting Service? boo. hoo. now a bunch of overpaid and under-worked bureaucrats will be forced to take unscheduled leave and not patronize the goddamn potbelly that magically anchors the 12th street business district. I have a new-urbanist topic for you: Where should we place the new new urbanist concentration camp? As long as it has free parking, I'm there!

    seriously though, great work guys.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Which ever transplant invented the term ADMO, they need to be SHOT multiple times.
    1991 style.
    Meaning all over the damn body.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am inspired. I'm going to write a blog told from the perspective of an unwanted apple store in Georgetown. "Stood outside my future home and begged for change today..."

    ReplyDelete
  27. HAAAA!!!!

    Never heard of these neighborhood blogs.

    I just blog about random voodoo ceremonies performed by white guys in the French Quarter, really bad art exhibits, and strange New Orleans festivals. Oh, and the latest episode of public sex on my lawn...

    So glad I left DC before the advent of these things. I would be forced to give a shit about dog parks and Apple Stores.

    Nice entry...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Fucking brilliant post.

    I'm so inspired I'm going to start a Brookland neighborhood parody blog.

    My first post will ask readers to join me in an email writing campaign to Whole Foods corporate headquarters asking for our own store.

    Next, I'll review the new coffee shop opened by two gay men who just returned from wintering in Vieques, and who import "fair trade" Ethiopian coffee direct from the source.

    Awesome shit.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Nice! Though I typically enjoy skimming through neighborhood blogs, I can't stand hyper-local neighborhood blogs with too little content and too much fluff.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  30. When will BloMi catch on? Not only is it more memorable than 'Bloomingdale', but it's a good acknowledgment of what was going on there in the 90's. Aside from the crack, that is.

    One benefit of a neighborhood blog: I can peruse the opinions of my neighbors from my couch, rather than having to befriend people I might not like.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Nice one about Brookland, Anonymous. Maybe in your letter to Whole Foods, you can tell the letter writers to make sure they tell Whole Foods that Rhode Island Ave really isn't as sleazy as it appears, and that the crime that happens there is really only because people can't get enough organic pineapples.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Love the whole list. Favorite: Feign outrage at people's "indifference" to homelessness and poverty while making sure your iPod is loud enough that you don't hear requests for change when walking to the Metro.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Brilliant

    ReplyDelete
  34. This is so incredibly true.

    ReplyDelete