Congress Bullies Washington Into Doing What They Want: a symphony in two movements

1. Also, D.C. will be renamed "East Kansas"

It's everyone's favorite scare-quotey issue, "gay" marriage. Oh, sorry, "gay" "marriage."

A leading Senate Republican warned Mayor Anthony A. Williams (D) yesterday that a move to recognize gay marriages in the nation's capital would trigger a sharp backlash from Congress, and the mayor acknowledged that the District could jeopardize its budget agenda and domestic partner benefits if it mishandles the issue.

Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback (R), the new chairman of the Senate Appropriations subcommittee on the District, said he wanted to hear more from Williams but opposed a statement by the city's attorney general that "validly married same-sex couples" may file joint D.C. tax returns.

Ah, geez... not this shit again. Sorry, D.C.! Apparently, you're too liberal/black/gay to make your own decisions. Instead, some douchebag homophobic redneck from Kansas will tell you what you can and can't do.

But wait! It's our savior, The Bowtie! I'm sure the mayor will stand up to this travesty, this infringement on our capital city's self-government.

Williams said that while he supports gay unions, "My personal opinion and what I do as a matter of the public policy of the District sometimes may be aligned and sometimes may be different."

Or maybe he'll just kowtow to whoever's in power, as usual.

At any rate, here's a homework assignment for everyone: please come up with a gay-sex-related term for "Brownbacking", much in the way "Santorum" has come to have an... er... alternate meaning. (Surely it won't be that hard to think of something for "Brownbacking.")

2. Sm*rt gr*wth

A real-estate developer had this crazy idea to build a dense, mixed-use development near the Vienna/Fairfax Metro station.

The plan would replace a few dozen homes with thousands of condos and several offices, and it would all be right by the Metro, which would presumably encourage people to take the train and leave their cars at home. And it would all be vertical: parking underground, stores on the ground floor, residences above.

So: it's thousands of new residences, and an effective use of space that encourages people to avoid driving and instead use mass transit. In an area that's about as crowded, sprawly and horizontal as it gets, this sounds like a Very Good Thing That Should Be Encouraged.

Ohhh, no... a Very Good Thing That Should Be Encouraged... in Washington... I think you know what's coming next... that's right... wait for it... waaaaait for it...

SMACKDOWN CRACKDOWN. Can you smelllllllll what Rep. Tom Davis (R-Va.) is cooking?

Rep. Thomas M. Davis III said he will intervene in a contentious local issue by proposing legislation to scale back a massive development planned next to the Vienna Metro station, a project he acknowledges is near his own neighborhood.

The Northern Virginia Republican appeared at a community meeting this week that attracted many opponents of the project. He said he attended as a homeowner. But the crowd of about 500 broke into applause when Davis announced that he would amend a Metro funding bill to block the sale or lease of land the agency owns next to the Orange Line station in Fairfax County.

Uggggghhhhhh... no no no. Not more personalized novelty legislation. Oh, but it is.

Wait, it gets better:

"All of us need to be careful in public life that we're not legislating our personal pet peeves just because we can," said Board of Supervisors Chairman Gerald E. Connolly (D), a MetroWest supporter who used to represent the area on the board. "I think it's unfortunate that there would be a threat from Congress to interfere with local land use. . . . Is Congress now going to pick and choose what Metro may or may not develop?"

[...]

[Davis said,] "I'm sorry, but unfortunately, the Congress of the United States has jurisdiction over Metro. The Board of Supervisors doesn't."

Ohhh, no he DINNNT!!!

God, what a fucking bastard! And what's his authority on the subject? Well, you see, he moved to Fairfax almost a whole year ago. And, of course, the only logical action for one to take is to wield one's Congressional Powers to make sure NOBODY FUCKING ELSE GETS TO LIVE WHERE I LIVE, DAMMIT.

Arrrrghh. STUPID SHORT-SIGHTED FUCKING IDIOTS. Here's a chance to finally, finally, get some actual smart growth up in here. Instead, we get the usual, not-smart growth, which is: "go live somewhere else." And, since attitudes like this drive up property values even more, eventually people are commuting here from their homes in Kentucky.

And it's all because one NIMBY homeowner, who happens to be in Congress, can single-handedly torpedo the whole thing.