It's time once again to play: Which Local Conservative Newspaper Pisses Me Off More?

It's Anschutz vs. Moon.

The Fundies vs. the True Father.

Holes vs. Inchon.

The Examiner vs. the Times. Allez journalisme!

First up, the Ex. They have an editorial thingy called "One Word" that's annoying as balls. They take a complicated issue and editorialize about it for one paragraph, which conveniently allows to them to leave out, you know, facts and stuff.

Remember the global warming treaty that was supposed to protect us from catastrophe? The rest of the world was outraged during President Bush's first term when he said we wanted no part of it. Now comes an article in the journal Science, based on data from the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Colorado, finding that even if we imposed greenhouse emission rules 1,000 times as strict as those in Kyoto, the world will still get a lot hotter, the seas will still rise and nastier droughts and storms will still pummel the rich and the poor alike. Nice to know before we went through much effort.

Wow, I'm convinced. There's clearly no point in trying to reverse greenhouse gas emissions. Good thing we pulled out of Kyoto.

Unlessssss... you actually read the article about the study, which says that due to the slowness of temperature change in the oceans, there's a lot of "warming momentum" that would take place even if we stopped emmitting all greenhouse gases right now. However, if we continued at our current pace, the impact on the average global temperature would be more than six times worse than that by 2100.

But don't worry about that. It's only science... nobody in Washington believes that stuff anyway. It's not like the scientists got any concrete proof of climate change, like by traveling to the future or something cool like that. The Examiner's stance is clearly stated: "Don't you take my Hummer away, NERD!"

Another "One Word" item:

Former drug addict and Culture Club frontman Boy George has announced he won't vote for British Prime Minister Tony Blair in the upcoming elections.

Hm. Funny how you never see them print "Former drug addict and President George W. Bush" anywhere in the paper.

Meanwhile, the Anschutz influence rears its totalitarian Christian head in this editorial, which calls for the FCC to regulate cable if they don't allow a la carte programming.

And fine, whatever, a la carte programming would be nice. But the angle the Examiner takes is what pissed me off: "succumb to our Christian will, or face the wrath of the FCC."

Television is the core of the problem though. Spend a few minutes surfing through the channels and witness it for yourself. On MTV, you may find drunken roommates having a threesome in a hot tub. On ESPN, you can watch an actor impersonate college basketball coach Bobby Knight, including the countless "f-words." Daytime movies commonly center around such mature topics as rape, incest and infidelity. Masturbation is a punchline. Casual sex is a given.

Oh, here we go. It's the PTC attitude again. Once again, some fucking motherfuckers want to control what I can and can't watch on my TV, for my own safety. You know those little program ratings that pop-up at the start of a show? They're there for a reason. If you have kids, you can block programming using the V-chip. Why is that not enough? Oh, I guess they'll tell me.

Ask any parent: While they can do their best to protect their children in their own home, the growth of cable television has meant that it is next to impossible to assure that their children won't be exposed to offensive programming in other venues.

Yeah, you know what that's called? Growing up. When I stayed over at my friend George's house in 6th grade, I looked forward to sneaking a peek at HBO so that I could watch Stripped to Kill. And yet, miraculously, I somehow didn't become a serial killer or a stripper. I am, in fact, a perfectly well-adjusted adult.

You fuckwads.

Although cable companies are quick to point out that V-chips and parental TV ratings help shield children from offensive content, these measures remain cumbersome and fail to give customers total control. Few V-chips are actually employed, and the guidelines for parental ratings are subjective.

So, just because some fundamentalists are unfamiliar with how to work their "evil magic picture box", I'm the one who has to pay the price? Fuck you, Examiner!

Besides, have you read your own paper recently? Specifically, my favoritest feature ever, "Too Tough for TV"?

Under congressional questioning over treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib, Porter J. Goss, the director of central intelligence, said, "You call it torture to have a woman in combat fatigues lead you around naked on a dog leash? Do you know how many guys in this room alone would pay good money for something like that?"

Jane Fonda's forthcoming autobiography will reveal that her former husband, Roger Vadim, brought other women into their bedroom. In other news, Ted Turner spent lunch beating his head against the wall.

In Japan, a chewing-gum maker says its "Bust-Up Gum" can increase a woman's breast size. No word on what "Bazooka Joe" does.

So, in conclusion: masturbation as a punchline = offensive. But S&M, threesomes, and ejaculation as punchlines = hilarious, eminently publishable comedy.

Meanwhile, out at the only-in-Washington intersection of New York and South Dakota, the Somewhat Rev. Sun-Myung Moon puts out his newspaper, the Daily Love Organ. And I see that, once again, his crack staff is putting out articles about gay marriage, while being sure to put "marriage" in "scare quotes." Which is why it was extra funny when, in a headline over a story about the Mexico border Minutemen, the anti-immigration Times also put the word "heroes" in scare quotes.

But the real story here relates to fan-favorite features writer and why.i.hate.dc staple Jen Waters. Poor Jenny Jen is trying her best to bring you the latest in stuff you don't care about. As a writer for the Moonie Times, she's come a long way since her days writing for "Newz & Viewz" on the website of Christian youth group YIFA.

In order to pray in an effective manner, it is important to stay abreast on the cultural issues.

One of the most controversial subjects of our day concerns the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund. Like most contentious matters, there are many sides to the debate. All of which need prayer.

Although Jen's writing has improved somewhat since then, she still has trouble, um... "staying abreast on the cultural issues," so to speak. Her latest manifesto concerns homeopathic medicine:

Dr. Molly Punzo is trying to treat more than symptoms. As a physician in private practice in Easton, Md., she regularly tells her patients to use homeopathic remedies instead of mainstream medicines.

After watching one of her patients recover from pneumonia when he tried using homeopathic drugs instead of antibiotics, Dr. Punzo became interested in the form of healing. It especially intrigued her because she felt frustrated by many of the side effects of conventional drugs.

"Homeopathy addresses the whole person," Dr. Punzo says. "When someone comes in with any complaint that's physical, you can also track mental and emotional symptoms. The goal is to find the remedy to treat all the levels at once."

Homeopathy, a distinct form of alternative medicine different from herbal remedies, was started by German physician Samuel Hahnemann in the late 1700s. Homeopathic practitioners believe it is a more effective way of treating patients than mainstream medicine.

In the battle between conventional and alternative medicine, however, traditional doctors have their own opinions.

And she basically goes on and on like this, talking to doctors and patients, and getting various opinions on homeopathic medicine, without actually telling you what it is. It's really kind of hilarious.

Wow.

Sorry, just contemplating the fact that she gets paid to write, and I don't.

OK, I'm back. Unfortunately, Jen may have some serious competition. And here it is, just called up from the Times' Double-A affiliate in Loudon County, coming out of the features bullpen... Shelley Widhalm.

The topic: basements.

Every afternoon after school, Holden and Aron Wegner head downstairs to the recreation room in their Bethesda home, at least when the weather is cold.

Um, WOW. I'm already sucked into the plight of Holden and Aron. And it's good to know that they mostly go down there when the weather is cold, because that's vital to the story.

Holden, 9, and Aron, 11, can play air hockey, pingpong or pinball -- or they can head to the media room, where their family likes to watch Super Bowl games, movies and television shows.

Heh. You know what my favorite Super Bowl game is?

The Super Bowl.

The soundproof room is equipped with a viewing screen and two levels of reclining theater chairs and love seats that all together seat 10.

"When there's big events, it's really nice to have it. It makes everything into a party," says Susan Wegner, the boys' mother.

As for their sons, "We wanted to give them an area they could call their own," Mrs. Wegner says.

Mrs. Wegner and her husband, Adam, with the help of the interior design firm Sroka Design Inc. in Bethesda, planned the basement four years ago when the Wegners' four-story home was custom-built.

Oh dear God. Not another story designed to show off what rich people do with their money. This used to be prime Jen Waters territory, like that time she wrote about doghouses of the rich and the rich some more. Oooh, SAT analogy practice time!

Those doghouses : those dogs :: this basement : these kids.

Anyway, the rest of the article talks about how you, too, can spend $60,000-$100,000 on a tricked-out basement, if you just happen to have that kind of money lying around.

It's truly a great day for journalism.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get a $12 haircut.