May is National Bike Month and to celebrate, the Washington Area Bicyclist Associations (WABA) has proclaimed May 18th as Bike to Work Day.

I think I speak for everyone in DC who drives or walks to work when I say, GOD… DAMN… IT.

I drive to work. There’s nothing worse than “sharing” the road with a biker who insists on driving IN the lane. No, not on the shoulder, I mean in the MIDDLE of the fucking lane. Come May 18th, I’m sure to get stuck behind at least 1 of those 7,000 spandex-wearing fucks. This always seems to happen on my commute though Rock Creek Park, which infuriates me because there’s a nice shiny asphalt trail just off the road specifically for their use.

And what does Lance Armstrong do when he hits a red light? Why run the light of course, by hopping the curb and mowing down pedestrians on the sidewalk. I know this is a one bad apple scenario (actually, it happens more than you might think), but if bikers want to be respected as vehicles, with all the rights, privileges, and car exhaust they can inhale, then WABA should push their members to obey traffic rules: Bike on the shoulder, don’t impede traffic, and stop at red lights. Just once I’d like to see a cop ticket one of those ass dildos.

You know what… fuck it. Mayor Fenty needs to instate “Maryland Drivers MUST Drive to Work Day” to coincide with “Bike to Work Day.” Bicyclists would be no match for all those clueless, swerving Maryland drivers. Problem solved.


  1. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    you ARE hateful!!
    Long live King Friday

  2. being a cyclist, i agree with you that DC cyclists are assholes. just take a ride on the capital crescent or mount vernon trails, and you're sure to have a near collision with a spandex-wearing hotshot speeding up behind you, and then dodging around you at the last possible second.

  3. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    VA and DC drivers are not exempt from the bad-driver label.

  4. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    Your majesty,

    this will really get your blood boiling...



  5. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    Ticket this fuckers


  6. Your majesty,

    1200.3 Operators of bicycles have the same rights as operators of motor vehicles.

    Sometimes we have to take the whole lane to avoid the broken glass, cans, and assorted shit that makes its way to the shoulder.

    I do agree though - in Rock Creek Park, get your bike on the path.


  7. now now, if all the drivers would just get a Promise Keepers sticker, all would be solved. . . right.

  8. ejxcyeme the wrathfulMay 01, 2007

    Fuck you, you fat cunt.

  9. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    The bitterness is strong with you!
    I love it!
    Do they have driving tests in Maryland?

  10. Hahahah awesome! I drive to work too, well carpool. We will definitely be on the lookout for some spandex wearing fucks.

  11. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    Your majesty,

    You only have to deal with jackasses on the road. Some of us have to work with them. News flash: the weather here sucks. In the summer, its downright unpleasant, yet some people still choose to ride their bikes. Thanks!

    Some actually ride to work in their work clothes-yuck. Many take showers, but then what to do with the sweaty spandex with crotch rot? Why--hang it on your office of course, preferably over the A/C so it dries. The warm, funky smell then permeates the office like hot bucket of vomit.

    How about we have another day: "Come to the office bathed and without smelly work-out clothes day."

    Il ratto,

    Agreed. I actually ride (on the weekends, thank you) and find it way safer to drive to like Manassas and then ride on the country roads with minimal traffic then to deal with the brain dead horde on the W&OD or the MV.

  12. i will consider biking from annapolis one day. i suspect that i will make it in the exact same time it would take to sit in traffic on 50.

    on second thought, that whole nasty-sweat-clothes thing is really turning me off.

  13. You work on the Hill and live in the District, yet drive to work?
    Yeah, no sympathy here.

  14. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    When I lived in an unnamed Southern city, I worked for an attorney who represented a lot of cyclists injured by idiot drivers (one of our clients was actually hit by an individual on his/her way TO THE REPUBLICAN STATE CONVENTION; he/she broke our client's back and fled the scene...go figure!). Therefore, I had to understand the basic traffic rules that govern cyclists. I tell you this because once, when my boss and I were headed to lunch, a cyclist on the sidewalk unnerved him, and he shouted, "HEY! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK! YOU COULD HURT SOMEBODY!" I have never been more mortified.

    With that said, I have NEVER encountered worse cyclists than here. Rule #1: RIDE ON THE FUCKING ROAD. NOT on the sidewalk. It's logical, for god's sake. The other night, walking home from work, while I was digging in my purse my for my apt keys, a cyclist was - obviously unbeknownst to me - headed right for me at breakneck speed. He himself alerted me by shouting, "Hey, watch where you're going!" WTF?!? Are you KIDDING ME? I swear to god, I channeled my old boss in that instance. I screamed, "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RIDE ON THE SIDEWALK! GET THE FUCK OFF! YOU COULD HURT SOMEBODY!"

    Point is, pedestrians could not have hurt me had they run into me; that bike would have kicked my ass.

    I am SO glad you blogged about this. What an ASSININE decision.

  15. Il ratto, I'm glad you understand. I like cyclists, just not the ones who fuck me and and the ten million other drivers behind me. Thank you for not being one of them!

    Haverchuck, what am I supposed to do, take the Metro??? I happen to live one block from the Celveland Park station and I ALWAYS get to work at least 10 mins faster by driving than taking the red line. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not.

    Anon, "Crotch rot." I can't even begin to imagine your suffering.

  16. Could be worse - we could have to deal with Critical Mass all the time, like San Francisco.

  17. I hate the idiotic cyclists here. A friend of mine was struck by a cyclist while walking in the crosswalk one day. She'd run a red light (of course), and he had the light. After picking himself up off the asphalt, my shocked and confused friend asked the cyclist if she was okay. She proceeded to yell at him for not watching where he was going and ride away. The idiot bitch.

  18. ejxerehw loves cakeMay 01, 2007

    We're not supposed to ride on the roads and its illegal to ride on the sidewalks.


    So sorry we're slowing you down, keeping you from getting home in time for your cruicial daily masturbation to Saved By the Bell.

  19. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    Bikes really do snarl traffic no most roads. I was driving on Columbia Pike going to work from NW, and down Rock Creek Pkway and was behind at least 2 people on bikes. The problem is people who don't change lanes to pass bikers. They just go slowly and hold everyone behind them up! It's plain stupid!

  20. Yeah but we still should have a commuter taxMay 01, 2007

    So may 18th is run over an asshole day? I seriously might rent a car just for the occassion.

    I saw a guy dowtown this morning totally scream at some ass riding his bike on a downtown sidewalk, which is illegal apparently, as this guy was spouting the law (love those lawyers sometimes).

    And add this to list of Fuckycles: Riding the wrong way down a one way street. When those fuckers get hit head on, the EMTs should refuse to take them to the hospital.

    I say we empower the parking enforcement folks to ticket those fucks. you know they'd be all over lassoing some spandex ass.

  21. You work on the Hill and live in the District, yet drive to work?
    Yeah, no sympathy here.

    Rusty, if this is true, maybe you should be the one biking.

    When driving in DC, it's rarely bikers who get my blood pressure up-- it's other drivers.

  22. Rusty needs an anal intruderMay 01, 2007

    I was riding my bike up the center of the HOV on I95 this morning. Here I am trying to save the planet, and motorists actually had the nerve to honk at me.


  23. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    You live 1 block from the Cleveland Park metro and drive so you can save 10 minutes? TEN MINUTES?!? There's one more car clogging up the road and spewing CO so you can save less than a half hour a day. Well done. Asshat.

  24. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    Thank God I can get on my Segway and mow you fuckers that are walking on MY sidewalk!

  25. Rusty TromboneMay 01, 2007

    Suck on my sweaty spandex sausage.

  26. I'm a pedestrian and the bikers seem to think it is really funny to wait until they are practically RIDING OVER MY BODY at break-neck speed before screaming in my ear "On your left."

    They scare me. When scared I break into Tourette's. There are some folks who would have had their ass chewed had they not already been 2 miles away by the time I let the words fly.

    If I had a car...50 points..50 points.

  27. Runnin' over pedsMay 01, 2007

    Circe2020: You probably couldn't hear me when I was shouting it 50 feet behind you because of the fucking ipod buds in your ears.

  28. Hey, ten minnutes is ten minnutes. I need that extra time for my hobbies which include clubing baby seals, bathing in crude oil, and choping down redwoods.

    No ammount of guilt tripping will make me board one of those shit trains ever again.

  29. hm, i should correct myself...

    i'm a former cyclist. my bike got stolen in brookland over the summer. bunch of savages in this town, really.

  30. Anger Biker Guy GrrrMay 01, 2007

    Where is the love?

  31. AnonymousMay 01, 2007

    I think we ran out of love some time around when Fergie went solo.

  32. AnonymousMay 02, 2007

    I am a biker/commuter, and I tend to agree with everything you said in your post. I live off of rhode island avenue, and it pisses me off to see bikers riding in the two left lanes! freakin idiots! stay on the right! and use bike lanes/paths. i cant imagine a biker riding right on rock creek parkway and not using the bike trail there. succa.

  33. YRH, it's only been a few days since you've taken over for Rusty, and you've already made it into today's Express.

    Great job!

  34. booglassMay 02, 2007

    I think it should be a law that if a biker opts to ride in the middle of lane, rather than moving to the right, they should be required to wear shorts with a giant target on their ass.

  35. It's really hard to take someone seriously who lives near the metro (and apparently works near the metro) and doesn't use it. People who live in DC but drive to work are invariably people from flyover country who regard public transportation as "low class."

    To a degree, it's all about how one wants to spend one's time. It actually saves me about 10 minutes to drive from DC to my job in the maryland 'burbs rather than take the metro, but I get to read on the metro. Yeah, if I drove, I could listen to the radio, but what do I end up listening to on the radio when I drive? The traffic report. That and it saves me the aggravation of complaining about militant bicyclists.

    On that note, DC is a terrible city for bicycling. When half the neighborhoods are named something like "XXX Heights," it's an indication that the effort of bicycling isn't going to be worth it.

  36. AnonymousMay 02, 2007

    Heights = exercise which I can guarantee you A LOT of people in DC really really need.

  37. AnonymousMay 02, 2007

    stop hating on cyclists. yeah there are some douches out there who don't know what's what, but most of us are just trying to make the best of a city where people are so clueless of bikes they never bother to look where they are. at least if you ride closer to the center of the street people will see you, rather than turn into you.. plus, if you've ever been doored you know why those bike lanes are a fucking sham. let's get some real bike lanes in this city, NOT in between parked cars and the street, and raised a bit off the ground so drivers actually realize they're there.

  38. AnonymousMay 02, 2007

    I have a comment for you. Why don't all the tubby drivers get out of their gas guzzlers, put down the Big Mac, & bike somewhere once in a while? The positive impacts on your personal health as well as the public good (in terms of paying for sedentary lifestyle related illnesses & road rage related stress & injuries) Then, they might understand why bikers ride as they do & why they are smug & self satisfied as well. And pedestrians - share the sidewalks. Get used to it. I can tell you as many stories of rude pedestrians blowing their toxic cigarette smoke in my breathing space, jamming me with their purses, overstuffed shopping bags, overfattened hips, etc as you can tell stories about rude cyclists.

  39. And I hate it when some jerk decides to get in my bike lane. But you know what, I take it all in stride (so to speak).

  40. I can't say shit for DC, but I've biked in Boston for ten years. Boston is full of cyclists, even though the roads are not very bike-friendly. Most of the cyclists here are commuters or messengers. Here's a little bit of insight into bicyclist psychology:

    When you are riding a bike on the street, you are surrounded by angry, grumpy people driving 2000 pound vehicles. You, meanwhile, are on a 40-pound piece of metal mostly likely wearing only a helmet for protection. This puts you at a serious disadvantage in the event of an accident. So you're very likely to ride defensively. Car drivers also seem to have an irrational impulse to control the road (I think this is merely a result of the psychology of driving, because I experience it myself when I'm behind the wheel of an automobile), which means that many normal traffic situations become far worse for bicyclists than they would be for cars. Cars automatically defer to other cars by necessity - they are large and you can't go through them. The same is not true for bicycles. So, in certain situations, it is much safer if you hop onto the sidewalk briefly. It isn't safe for pedestrians and it isn't legal, but it's the best thing to do for your own personal safety. Most of the time in Boston people manage to coexist just fine with bicycles, I guess because they're always around and people here are polite about pedestrians, rather than viewing them as obstacles. Sidewalks are their territory and cycles should defer to them.

    Bikes do NOT have equal treatment in the road. They are always seen as second-class citizens, forced to the sides. The shoulders are unsafe - full of sand and gravel and sometimes broken glass, which can make you slip, break your tires, or just get thrown up in your face. Unpleasant. Also bike lanes are usually placed so that they are right next to parked cars, resulting in the dreaded "dooring" - where an unwitting driver opens her door into you while getting out, sending you sprawling into traffic, possibly under someone's wheels. Many cyclists die this way. So you're really taking your life in your hands on a bike, much more than you are in a car.

    Hope this makes you think a little more kindly on cyclists and what they're going through while riding through the city. Also, if I were you, I'd seriously stop driving to work. 10 minutes is not that much, and we'd all be better off with less cars on the road, in many, many ways. Plus you'd probably be less stressed out. Personally I could never drive in the city - I can usually get anywhere in Boston on my bike far faster than anyone can driving, especially during rush hour.

  41. AnonymousMay 02, 2007

    Ah, bike riders, the kings and queens of obnoxious sanctimony. Until I go just one day where I don't see a bike rider blatantly flaunting DC's traffic laws, which most cyclists seem to think don't apply to them, then they will continue to earn my utter scorn. Get off your high horse and follow the laws.

  42. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    Here is your profanity and sarcasm:

    Fuck all of you complete fuckholes. If I ever fucking find out who you are, I will throw my fucking U-lock through your windshield and then kick your fucking door into your face when you get out to yell at me.

    It's so awesome to see that in these times of global warming and ridiculous gas prices that people are so open to alternative forms of transportation. Also, it's refreshing to not have to listen to retarded vitriol against one section of society because they've chosen to do something that actually helps EVERYONE instead of creating more traffic (for you car drivers) and pollution. It's awesome how well people react to something that may not be what they do, but is still generally a good thing. Advocating violent death for an entire group of people based on a slight inconvenience to yourself is a really cool thing to do. You guys rock!

    Go fuck yourselves, you self-righteous, car-driving, gas-guzzling, own-the-fucking-world bastards.

    Oh, and share the road. Assholes.

  43. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    Oh, and one last thing, why.i.hate.dc, if you don't like my town, please leave.

    If you'd like, I'll tell you to your face. You can find me by the bicycle I ride all day. It's the one with the DC flag painted on the seat-tube.

  44. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    Riding your bike is one thing. Yay for you.

    Wearing spandex, those little cyclist shoes and a helmet to ride on Connecticut Ave. is another thing. It's not the Tour de France and it looks just as dorky as the 21-year-old tough guys who ride those Japanese crotch-rockets.

  45. Axtolqxi, Devourer of WorldsMay 03, 2007

    "Wearing spandex, those little cyclist shoes and a helmet to ride on Connecticut Ave."

    Yeah, wearing a bike helmet is totally retarded. And never mind that you ride 15 miles, using clipless pedals and clothes that don't chafe is also gay.

  46. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    whatever you say, lance.

  47. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    I ride my bike to Penn Quarter from MD. I ride on the sidewalks or on the shoulder, DEFINITELY not in the path of traffic. And I'm very respectful of pedestrians when on the sidewalk. I am AMAZED at how some of these arrogant bikers ride IN the lane KNOWING they have a line of traffic behind them trying to get around them. Hell I wanna run em off the roadway myself!! They have alot of nerve, I can say that much; with the stress most long-distance commuters are under and the level of that stress by the time they actually get TO the city, there is no way in hell I'd be in their way on the roadway. Gimme the sidewalk anyday. And YES I LOVE YOUR HATRED!! LOVE IT LOVE IT!

  48. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    When drivers completely stop at stop signs, stop at the limit line rather than in the crosswalk, give sufficient space when passing a bicycle, don't pass unsafely just to stop at the red light we can both see, don't park in bike lanes, etc., and pedestrians don't jaywalk, don't walk four abreast on shared trails, and don't have headphones blaring, we can talk about obeying the rules and being courteous to other users of roads, sidewalks, and trails.

    For now, suck it up; I'll ride in the middle of the lane, showing off my spandex-coated ass if I think it's safer, and I'll run a red light if it gets me out of your way (yes, that's why I'll do it) sooner. And if you honk, be certain I'll slow down.

  49. AnonymousMay 03, 2007

    I've always wanted to open my car door on a swiftly-passing cyclist. I have a conscience, though. Which is no fun.

  50. AnonymousMay 04, 2007

    Okay, you selfish bastards.

    SHARE THE ROAD. It's not YOUR road just because you have a car, asshat.

    It is illegal to ride on the sidewalk. The shoulder is full of glass and crap that you people insist on throwing out of your car windows. So yes, when there is no path, we need to be a bit further left into the roadway, inadvertantly making it harder for you clowns to use you cell phone, eat a cheeseburger and drive all at the same time.

    At least we give a damn. When was the last time you saw a cyclist putting on makeup while they were riding?

  51. Rusty TromboneMay 04, 2007

    I passed a guy talking on his cell phone while riding on the Mt. Vernon trail the other day. I wanted to shove him onto the parkway, stupid douche.

  52. AnonymousMay 04, 2007

    Bicyclists are fine. I don't have a problem with them at all. It's when they disobey the rules is when it gets infuriating. I have seen many cyclists run red lights and stop signs on their bikes, which is bullshit. Also, I will pass bicycles closely because its called "share" the road, not cars get out of the bikes' way. If bicyclists want a shared road, they are going to have to learn the rules of the road.

  53. Build some highways for DC!


  54. AnonymousMay 09, 2007

    I'll stop at red lights as soon as you get the fuck out of my lane, fat ass.