It's Easier Than It Looks

You know, when Rusty first asked me to do a little guest writing in his absence, I was worried. “What if I can’t find anything to write about next week,” I thought. “What if all I can manage are lame, ineffectual stories of personal foibles and/or annoyances? What if I lack the talent to find stories that speak to the systemic ineptitude, vicious regionalism and soul-killing pretension that make this city as horrid as it is?”

You’ll be pleased to know that I now doubt this will be the case; it takes no talent. Once I stated actually reading the WaPo looking for these kinds of stories, it was easier than taking candy from a CVS. Let’s just take a look at the stories that didn’t make the front page of WIHDC from Tuesday to Thursday:

Tuesday:

• Woman Injured in NW Stabbing – Some woman got mugged and stabbed in the chest and maybe the neck near the Takoma Park metro station. At 3:50 PM, and no that is not a typo, 3:50 in the afternoon. So, to those of you who said about the G’town stabbing, “well, don’t forget that you live in a city. Be careful when you are out at 2 AM,” this needs to be changed to “any fucking time of the day” in all future arguments. And finally, what was the reaction of Adrian Fenty, the city council member for Ward 4? He said that the area is "definitely safe, especially at 3 p.m. in the afternoon." Right.



• Suspect in Fires Runs Away on Ride to Cellblock – A criminal, sorry, an accused criminal was being transported from the MPD’s 5th district station to headquarters for incarceration when he apparently opened the back door of the police wagon and ran away. Wow. The District’s finest at work. Did they forget to press the little “child lock” button on the back door?



• House Backs $1.5 Billion For Metro-- With a Hitch – Unbelievably, the Republican-lead House actually approved $1.5 billion over 10 years for the WMATA. All that needs to happen is for DC, VA and MD to match that amount giving a total of $6 billion for those of you that are bad at adding, which is most of you I assume. So in other words, the Metro will never, ever, ever see any of that $6 billion. Thanks Virginia, thanks Maryland. Oh, they haven’t voted yet? Don’t get your hopes up. I think we all know how it’ll turn out.

Wednesday:

• Suspect in Car Burnings Captured in NE – Well, it turns out that the amazing MPD managed to catch the escaped criminal again. What the article fails to point out is that when the police confronted him, the carsonist pointed at the sky and said “Look! The Goodyear Blimp!” He escaped again as the police officers looked over their shoulders.



• Theft of Aluminum Wrecks Ballfield Bleachers - I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh at Ballou HS, but someone stole your bleachers? Seriously? That must have taken hours to undo all the bolts and load up the bleachers and nobody saw them do it? I find that hard to believe. When you next see the Ballou security guard (now under the direction of Andy Solberg) you can bet he will be wearing aluminum bleachers because what the hell else are you going to do with a bunch of aluminum?

Thursday:

• Region’s Homeland Security Funding is Allocated – Well ain’t that the shit. The region gets 40% less money for security than last year. It's probably because most of last year's money was spent protecting the Madhatter and Nation and now we no longer need to protect those bastions of civilization. I guess the terrorists have won.



• General Dynamics Finds Profit on the Battlefields - Hey, why should Halliburton get all the cash? Death and destruction are big business here in Washington.