7.27.2006

R------s Fan Appreciation Day!*

Truth be told, I don't much care about the R#&$^%@s, or the NFL in general, for that matter. I'm more of a baseball guy and by the way, did you know that the Nats have now won 5 in a row? Now they are only 15 games back of the Mets! However, this blog has a long and illustrious history of hating the Redskins.

Of course, the way the team is run by owner Dan "DB" Snyder makes it easy to mock and criticize them. And I'm all about easy comedy, so let's take a look at what's in store for the fans on FAN APPRECIATION DAY! By the way, thanks to Deadspin for pointing me towards this horrible mockery of fan appreciation.

So, FAD is scheduled for August 5th, the date of the first preseason scrimmage for the Racists, I mean Redskins. Preseason just screams "We appreciate our fans," doesn't it? And get this; Admission is free! (Parking is $25 for cars and $75 for RVs and no you can't park anywhere but the FedEx field lot, why do you ask?)

Now that you're in the stadium (for free!) what is in store for you? Here is the schedule that is subject to change without notice.


  • 10:45 a.m.: Welcome announcement from Larry Michael - Uh, who? Oh, the radio guy. Okay.

  • 10:50 a.m.: Performance by Redskins Marching Band - Sweet! Because if there's one thing about high school football that totally translates to the NFL, it's band geeks. Do all teams have marching bands, or is it just the ones with racist names? And will the band be dressed as "Redskins" for the performance?

  • 11:05 a.m.: Performance by Redskins Cheerleaders - If they really appreciated the fans, the cheerleaders would perform lapdances.

  • 11:20 a.m.: Vinny Cerrato addresses the fans - WhoTF?

  • 11:35 a.m.: Performance by Redskins Marching Band - Because 45 minutes is just enough time to forget how trite a marching band is.

  • 12 noon: Scrimmage begins - Finally.

  • 2:00 p.m.: Scrimmage ends - Do they keep score during scrimmages? If so, my money is on the Dodgers.

  • 2:10 p.m.: Joe Gibbs addresses the fans - Um, I think this is supposed to read GOD addresses the fans, right fans?

  • 2:15 p.m.: Gregg Williams addresses the fans - WHoTF?

  • 2:20 p.m.: Al Saunders addresses the fans- WHoTF?

  • 2:25 p.m.: Performance by Redskins Cheerleaders - Encore!

  • 2:40 p.m.: "Best Dressed" contests begin - This creeps me out. Here are the details: There will be five finalists for each of three categories:

    • Best Dressed football player, under 12: Everybody loves kids dressed for combat!

    • Best Dressed cheerleader, under 12: Because Dan Snyder enjoys the sexification of pre-teens! This is a great place to meet all your local Redskins fans/child pornographers!

    • Best Dressed fan, 12 and older: Whatever.

  • 3:10 p.m. Event ends - Let's see....the event lasts 4.5 hours. Parking costs $25. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just pay an illegal immigrant $2.50 an hour to drive your car around for 5 hours? Plus, you wouldn't need to worry about your car being stolen because you could just have him deported if he tried any shit. See? Works out best for everyone!




But wait! There's more! You can also get your picture taken with the Redskins' Super Bowl Trophies! Hundreds of T-shirts will be fired into the air with cannons! There will be kiosks! Win a free autographed mini-helmet!

Oh, by the way "Due to the structure of the scrimmage, there will not be any organized autograph sessions with players or coaches." But hey, thanks fans, we really do appreciate you! No, really!


*Fans are not actually appreciated. This is just a gimmick to distract our moronic fans from realizing how we constantly bend them over and fuck them in the ass on our way to losing to the Seahawks in the playoffs --- Redskins Management

30 comments:

  1. formerly anonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Holy shit. I'm dying here:

    Let's see....the event lasts 4.5 hours. Parking costs $25. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just pay an illegal immigrant $2.50 an hour to drive your car around for 5 hours?

    OMFG, that is hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tsk, Tsk. Al Saunders is the Offensive Coordinator and Gregg Williams is the Defensive Coordinator. They are considered the best in their respective fields.

    In fact, it is believed that Gregg Williams has a clause in his contract that automatically promotes him to Head Coach if Gibbs were to die/retire.

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  3. Dang. I knew I should have done some research.

    Apologies to Messers Williams and Saunders.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Dude,

    I agree w/ formerly anonymous. Um dying....

    Btw, a Redskins hat is the ultimate sign the low-class male primate around here.... I'm a baseball guy and can't stand people who follow the NFL. Don't care, don't care, don't care.

    I went to a conference where one speaker in a breakout session (or was it a round table?) interrupted to give the latest scores of the NFL. I wanted to slap him.

    I also hate women who like the NFL. That's annoying as shit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Dude,

    I agree w/ formerly anonymous. Um dying....

    Btw, a Redskins hat is the ultimate sign the low-class male primate around here.... I'm a baseball guy and can't stand people who follow the NFL. Don't care, don't care, don't care.

    I went to a conference where one speaker in a breakout session (or was it a round table?) interrupted to give the latest scores of the NFL. I wanted to slap him.

    I also hate women who like the NFL. That's annoying as shit.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Seriously, I love ya, but if you don't know who Gregg Williams is, you shouldn't be bitching about football.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    We're screwed. Chinese culture emulates scientists and innovators as celebrities, with tabloids even speculating about their sex lives....

    we apparently care about gregg williams and allen iverson.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Another newbie to DC. Simply put you are showing just how much of a moron you are. Dont like Football? Dont watch. I would love to see you in public at FedEx before and after a game. You would be dead, and a much better blogger could take over.

    "Hail to the REDSKINS!"

    Racists? Not really. Its just you college pukes feel that way. PC people can kiss my WASP ass!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)July 27, 2006

    Easy, formerly a douchehole. Take a tranquilizer you fairy.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    If we bomb "Fedex" stadium (what a name), the city's average IQ might rise considerably.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Um, anonymous #5:

    1) I don't watch football

    2) I will never go to FedEx field and give my money to Dan Snyder who treats his fans like garbage. This is obvious to most people. Except you apparently.

    3) Would I be dead before or after the game? If I was dead before you wouldn't be able to see me after. You're not making much sense here.

    4)A much better blogger would take over what, my guest-blogging tenure here at WIHDC? Sorry, but that ends tomorrow, long before the start of football season.

    5) Sorry, I don't mean to imply that the team members or fans are racist (though some undoubtably are), just the ridiculously anachronistic name.

    6) And I'm actually a Mac person, so I'll refrain from kissing your WASP ass, you puerile, bloviating blackguard.

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    that anonymous #5 guy's comments made little logical sense. But then again, he admitted outright to lacking an education so perhaps we can cut him a break.....

    ReplyDelete
  13. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)July 27, 2006

    for the love of all things decent, would you change that fucking picture of you playing the ukelele?

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    chicks dig musicians.

    ReplyDelete
  15. formerly anonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Nice...the Redskins fanatics and defenders are back.

    Now it really feels like the JamesF era.

    ReplyDelete
  16. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    dude, that post was some ignorant shit - its one thing if you don't like the team, but saying Gregg Williams - WhoTF undermines any actual informed critisism of the organization -

    ReplyDelete
  17. Let me clarify for those of you who obviously don't get it. I couldn't care less about the Redskins team. They made the second round of the playoffs last year, so obviously they are a pretty good team with good coaching. I am not criticizing the team. I am criticizing the management of the team. The management that has a history of disrespecting the fans on whom they rely for their existence.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    BEST IN THEIR RESPECTIVE FIELDS?

    How about...

    Offensive: Tom Moore (and I'm not even an Indy fan...)

    Defensive: ehh...Gregg Williams I could agree with. Maybe Monte Kiffin.

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    W/R/T Tom Moore, I think Al Saunders does more with less. Moore's got an unrivaled talent pool. Take a major player out of the equation (let's see how they deal without Edgerrin James), and the offense sputters. Saunders is a better offensive mind whose schemes work better with middling talent. The perfect compliment to Williams' defense.

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    Who really cares what they do? Are they Red or Blue, and who do they screw?

    ReplyDelete
  21. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    dumbass...here's how to avoid the stupid shuttle / parking fees (and have the crap shuttle return ticket fall out of your pocket when reaching for smokes):

    take the blue line to morgan blvd. exit station. turn left. walk. join the hundreds of other people doing it and drinking at the same time as they walk the 1 mile to the stadium. well placed dumpsters at the parking lot entrance to toss your empties.

    ReplyDelete
  22. AnonymousJuly 27, 2006

    The internet is good for 4 things. Porn, communication, shopping and the voice that it gives social rejects who only know what it's like to not be liked. I feel like a complete loser for reading some of this blog...What's even worse is that I'm actually responding...

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    These pre-season events are ludicrous. They're just an opportunity to watch the good players get hurt and sit on IR for the rest of the season.

    As for this blog..."Why I Hate DC". Hilarious. I grew up in DC. I've lived all over the world since I graduated high school 12 years ago (Sydney, Paris, London, New York, Seattle, San Francisco, LA). I live 9,000 miles away right now. I can honestly tell you, DC is a great town. Yeah, the girls aren't so hot, and yeah, the lawyers and politicians (and blood-sucking fuckwit bottom-feeders associated with them) totally ruin the nightlife vibe.

    But compared to 95% of the cities in the world, DC rocks. Great restaurants, pretty cool nightlife (blood-sucking vermin notwithstanding), and pretty decent cultural, effete, intellectual shit to impress chicks on dates with (yeah, so I can quote obscure Shakespeare plays while standing in line to be seated at the Landsburgh...fuck you, it gets me laid).

    As for the Redskins, lay off. Baseball is a pansy "sport" that is watched by either beer-soaked frat boys who have no idea where they are or pencil-necked nerds with no social or sex life.

    For the record, the dude who posted about Al Saunders having sub-standard talent is overlooking that the Chiefs had one of the best offensive lines in the NFL, Priest Holmes (and now Larry Johnson), and Tony Gonzalez. The jury's out on the Redskins new receiver additions, they all have stuff to prove (is Randel-El an every down player, is Lloyd capable of playing in the tough NFC East). Brunell is the big question mark. Portis is above reproach. I'm a straight male and I still want to have Cooley's babies. And Santana Moss is the man. Al Saunders has stuff to work with, but it's not any better or worse than KC. Can he win in the NFC East? Should be a great season.

    Can't wait for September 10th. This pre-season shit is useless.

    One thing the blog got right: Joe Gibbs is indeed a God in DC. Even if he is a crazy Jesus freak.

    ReplyDelete
  24. redraiderdcJuly 28, 2006

    Jesus! Seven paragraphs just to say that football rules and that baseball is for fags. Who the fuck cares!? I think there's a war going on somewhere but hey who cares - I have the Redskins Cheerleader calendar release party to attend. Man, we're doomed.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Right, redraiderdc, because if it wasn't for those goddamn racist Redskins, everyone would be paying attention to the war in Iraq, right? Too bad we're all so stupid that some of us might actually like the home team.

    ReplyDelete
  26. this_shithole_sucksJuly 28, 2006

    "Best Dressed cheerleader, under 12:"

    Woohoo!!!! Rusty's gonna be all over that! Here's your chance, Rusty. You can legally lust after little girls in short skirts. Take along some of your rehabilitated child molestor neighbors that we shouldn't be allowed to keep track of because they have paid their debt to society and are fully rehabilitated. Cause we all know that pedophiles can be rehabilitated and what the fuck -- who cares about our kids when we can concentrate our efforts on the constitutional rights of child predators.

    Let's hear it for Rustor the Molustor!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Krystal Koons (AKA THE PIMP DADDY)July 28, 2006

    "Holy shit. I'm dying here."

    Holy shit, I am a fucking toolbox.

    ReplyDelete
  28. seven-year itchJuly 28, 2006

    Geez, Schuyler. I love that some cleverly anonymous folks are using your "Redskins suck" post as a chance to debate the relative merits of the team's personnel. Did they fill their quota of posts at Redskins.com, or wherever people who actually like the 'Skins (what a pleasant nickname) go?
    As another former Seattleite, who used to love the sports section above all else, I fall asleep halfway through the front-page (of Sports) headlines. The sports section is such a waste. I defy you to find a time of year in which the friggin' Skins are not all over it. Whether there's actual "news" to be reported about them or not. But, then again, the reporters know what their readers like. Whether or not it makes sense.
    My favorite Danny Snyder moment was the first/last/only time I went to a Redskins game, for free (someone else paid). I paid $3 for a crappy-ass styrofoam cup of coffee, and Snyder couldn't spot me the cost of a plastic lid to keep in the warmth. You suck, Dan.

    ReplyDelete
  29. redraiderdcJuly 28, 2006

    I'm all for rooting for the home team. In fact, I still don't understand people who live in one city all their lives and root for teams from another city 3,000 miles for a dumb reason like, "Well that's who my dad likes." But whatever, when it gets to the point where you can't point to Haifa on a map but you know that the Chiefs had "one of the best offensive lines in the NFL, Priest Holmes (and now Larry Johnson), and Tony Gonzalez" that it's understandable why we are the laughing stock of the international community.

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  30. DC BASEBALL FANS? Are you all the same lot that used to go to O's games and silently root for them as you did the wave and talked on the Cell phones? Are you the same cohort that would stare you down when rooting for Cal or Rafael and were a bit too loud for their business meetings? I wonder if you are the same "fans" we no longer have on Camden yards in such great numbers, that when your real team came in to Balto from Boston, New York, Cleveland or Texas (the bush legions) your yuppie little asses would do the Arnold Bendedict on the O's?
    DC will never have real fans: DC is a TRANSIENT town. At least the new team and stadium will keep the O's base clean and the monies will help renew DC schools.

    ReplyDelete