Of course, the way the team is run by owner Dan "DB" Snyder makes it easy to mock and criticize them. And I'm all about easy comedy, so let's take a look at what's in store for the fans on FAN APPRECIATION DAY! By the way, thanks to Deadspin for pointing me towards this horrible mockery of fan appreciation.
So, FAD is scheduled for August 5th, the date of the first preseason scrimmage for the Racists, I mean Redskins. Preseason just screams "We appreciate our fans," doesn't it? And get this; Admission is free! (Parking is $25 for cars and $75 for RVs and no you can't park anywhere but the FedEx field lot, why do you ask?)
Now that you're in the stadium (for free!) what is in store for you? Here is the schedule that is subject to change without notice.
- 10:45 a.m.: Welcome announcement from Larry Michael - Uh, who? Oh, the radio guy. Okay.
- 10:50 a.m.: Performance by Redskins Marching Band - Sweet! Because if there's one thing about high school football that totally translates to the NFL, it's band geeks. Do all teams have marching bands, or is it just the ones with racist names? And will the band be dressed as "Redskins" for the performance?
- 11:05 a.m.: Performance by Redskins Cheerleaders - If they really appreciated the fans, the cheerleaders would perform lapdances.
- 11:20 a.m.: Vinny Cerrato addresses the fans - WhoTF?
- 11:35 a.m.: Performance by Redskins Marching Band - Because 45 minutes is just enough time to forget how trite a marching band is.
- 12 noon: Scrimmage begins - Finally.
- 2:00 p.m.: Scrimmage ends - Do they keep score during scrimmages? If so, my money is on the Dodgers.
- 2:10 p.m.: Joe Gibbs addresses the fans - Um, I think this is supposed to read GOD addresses the fans, right fans?
- 2:15 p.m.: Gregg Williams addresses the fans - WHoTF?
- 2:20 p.m.: Al Saunders addresses the fans- WHoTF?
- 2:25 p.m.: Performance by Redskins Cheerleaders - Encore!
- 2:40 p.m.: "Best Dressed" contests begin - This creeps me out. Here are the details: There will be five finalists for each of three categories:
- Best Dressed football player, under 12: Everybody loves kids dressed for combat!
- Best Dressed cheerleader, under 12: Because Dan Snyder enjoys the sexification of pre-teens! This is a great place to meet all your local Redskins fans/child pornographers!
- Best Dressed fan, 12 and older: Whatever.
- 3:10 p.m. Event ends - Let's see....the event lasts 4.5 hours. Parking costs $25. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just pay an illegal immigrant $2.50 an hour to drive your car around for 5 hours? Plus, you wouldn't need to worry about your car being stolen because you could just have him deported if he tried any shit. See? Works out best for everyone!
But wait! There's more! You can also get your picture taken with the Redskins' Super Bowl Trophies! Hundreds of T-shirts will be fired into the air with cannons! There will be kiosks! Win a free autographed mini-helmet!
Oh, by the way "Due to the structure of the scrimmage, there will not be any organized autograph sessions with players or coaches." But hey, thanks fans, we really do appreciate you! No, really!
*Fans are not actually appreciated. This is just a gimmick to distract our moronic fans from realizing how we constantly bend them over and fuck them in the ass on our way to losing to the Seahawks in the playoffs --- Redskins Management