Anyway, I suppose you are all wondering why he asked me to do this and not someone else, especially considering that I don’t even know Rusty. I’m not sure why he asked me either, but the following is a rundown of the two of us that shows why I am at least as qualified as he is to write here.
- Location
- Rusty - Friendship Fucking Heights
- Me - McLean Gardens
- Age
- Rusty - 23
- Me - 26
- Work Location
- Rusty - Dupont Circle?
- Me - Metro Center
- Hometown
- Rusty - Boston-ish
- Me - Seattle-ish
- Occupation
- Rusty - Wannabe lawyer?
- Me - Engineer
- Race
- Rusty - Very White
- Me - White
- Marital Status
- Rusty - Single
- Me - Married with Kid
It’s quite apparent that it would be hard to find two more different people that will bring such differnt perspectives to the table. Let’s go through it point by point.
- Location: He lives in Friendship Heights, the Cheesecake Factory capital of the Capital. Me? I live like, two miles south on Wisconsin Ave. That is two miles closer to the dangerous Georgetown ‘hood where murders are up INFINITY PERCENT this year. I am obviously much more “street.”
- Age: Rusty is 23 (I think. I can’t find his Myspace profile) which means he’s probably a new college graduate. What is it, one year now since you finished school, Rusty? I hate new college graduates. They epitomize everything that sucks about this city. They come here to change the world because they are “interested in politics and stuff.” Then, within one to two years, they’ve been beaten down into misanthropes like the rest of us here. But man, for those two years they are goddamn annoying.
- Work Location: Again, I am about two miles closer to SE DC. This cements my superior street cred vis-à-vis Rusty.
- Hometown: Hey, did you know that Rusty grew up near Boston? You did? Oh yeah, that’s right; he mentions it in about every fucking post. I, on the other hand, am from the opposite end of the longest interstate in the country. A place of unparalleled beauty, opportunity, and non-DCishness. I am from that resplendent land to which the illustrious founder of this illustrious blog, the illustrious James F., so wisely fled: Seattle. Yes, I realize we are both transplants here complaining about DC, but please, feel free to comment on it and bring out the ol’ “you can’t complain about DC because you’re not from here” schtick. Seriously, that is the platonic form of a valid argument.
- Occupation: Do you think Rusty likes lawyer jokes? Well, it’s probably because he doesn’t get them.
- Race: Due to my preponderance of street cred and the fact that one time I worked at a factory job with some Mexicans in Washington State, I think I get to remove the “very” from “very white.” Plus, I'm pretty sure my good buddy Charles the Metro Center Street Sense guy called me "niggah" yesterday. Top that, Rusty.
- Marital Status: Rusty is a single white guy in DC who blogs. How original. He should try living here with kids. It makes everyone you would already hate even if you didn’t have kids act even douchier. Yes, I realize I just ran over your foot with my stroller. It’s because I don’t like you and I love passive-aggressively attacking people. No, I am not fazed by your disapproving look. You’re still a dick.
There. I spent a couple hundred words giving a virtual handjob to James F. and explaining why Rusty sucks. That should make all you commenters happy, since that’s all you ever seem to do. Unless you’re pissed off that I stole your thunder.
What's the difference between white and "very white?"
ReplyDeleteMost whites define white as the decedents of the indigenous peoples of Europe (but not the Middle East and North Africa).
Also, are you taller or shorter than Rusty?
I have never met Rusty so I haven't the slightest idea if I am taller or shorter than he is.
ReplyDeleteAnd the difference between "White" and "Very White" is a state of mind.
Whats up with the fucking photo of the dork playing the fucking ukelele on the wicker chair? Is that you, you seattle hipster?
ReplyDeleteI'm 6'2" if that helps.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteKrystal, you are my hero.
ReplyDeleteBut it's not a ukelele you unstoppable moron, it's a toy guitar with six strings. A uke has only four.
And no, Rusty, that doesn't help because that means I am shorter than you. Damn.
I actually know Rusty, and I kind of always assumed he was an octoroon.
ReplyDeleteOuch. Now people are getting deleted for praising and finding the blog funny.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the world coming to?
I'm only doing it to Formerly Anonymous and I'm only doing it today. It's like a one day present to myself before I go on vacation.
ReplyDeleteGotcha about the state of mind. In my head, I'm pretty fly.
ReplyDeletehilarious. formerly is getting taxed. unstoppable moron is pretty funny too.
ReplyDeleteWhat's even funnier though is that fucking photo.
Wow Schuyler, you are awesome. You're right, the amount of time one spends working with Mexicans is inversely proportional to one's degree of whiteness. Viva la raza! Now I'm off to check out your blog.
ReplyDeleteKrystal,
ReplyDeleteYou've been served.
Uh-oh. Rusty may have opened Pandora's Box here. Schuyler's first post destroyed most of Rusty's stuff. Rusty does have his bright stuff, but its few and far between. Meanwhile Schuyler seems to have channeled James F. "Infinity percent" is totally something James would have written.
ReplyDeleteHope you enjoy the vacation Rusty. You may have a blog mutiny (blutiny?) on your hands when you get back.
6'2"?!? I'm in love. There, I said it.
ReplyDeleteRusty's post on the toolboxes in those bar photos takes the cake. Rusty, we need more posts like that and no more about shitachusetts and girl scout cookies.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ that, you cheeky monkey. How about some more original photos, too? Not of your big bad self but like the ones you critiqued before.... That was good work.
ReplyDeleteThe DC Lqate Night Shots post is my favorite too. But I don't go out actively looking for crap like that on the Internet. That would be soul crushing.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Blutiny, I will always have redraider's love, so there.
schuyler, you forgot one major difference between you and the rustmeister.
ReplyDeleteHe likes child molestors. I assume you don't.
I think Rusty should step down and let Schuyler run this blog.
ReplyDeleteWow, Schuyler. People like you! They really like you!
ReplyDeleteThen again, it is only day one. I haven't gotten to your other posts.
Would it be unfair of me to out you as actually being from somewhere much less cool than Seattle? You're giving "Seattle-ish" a lot of room there.
Uh, Schuyler, you're funny, and this blog is funny, but what's with the weird and bad racial politics? I mean, I know you, and I know you're making fun of people like yourself who (unlike yourself) have bad race politics, but that doesn't actually allow you to "ironically" spell out the n-word (even the colloquial version) on the blog. Yeah, yeah, self-mockery, "the difference betwen white and very white is...", but you don't seem to understand that a lot of people actually think that way. I had a five hour fight from 12:30 a.m. to 5:30 a.m. with a white Seattle "liberal" hipster, who at one point was pounding on the table and shouting "SOMETIMES CONQUEST AND COLONIALISM ARE GOOD! THEY ARE NEEDED!" Um, no.
ReplyDeleteSo I am warning you that someone who doesn't know you is going to think you're the conquest and colonialism guy, which is not OK.
And even I'm not OK with joking about my time spent working in the cherry orchards in Yakima. I got the job of "ticket-puncher" (marking off the number of boxes of cherries each person picked) because I was the white kid of the white orchard owner's friend and therefore "trustworthy". Ha! I was Freedom-Punching those cards like nobody's business. But that's illegal, so don't tell, please? I just didn'tk now what else to do. I was 16-17 years old and held an inordinate amount of power over other people's health and wealth and well-being JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORN WHITE. So joking about la raza is a little weird. And unacceptable.
And "octoroon" and "pimp daddy"? Seriously, readers? The South is not over catagorizing people as "high yellow" and all other such crap, and the last time I checked with my friend Carmela, who was sold into prostitution at the age of 13 to pay for her step-dad's crack habit, "pimps" aren't any too fucking funny either.
Shellshock,
ReplyDeleteI hate to defend Schuyler since he is so damned super-popular, but I totally disagree with everything you're saying.
Bad things, including, but not limited to, pimps, racism, murder, colonialism, sexism, anti-Semitism, death, and beastiality can all be VERY funny.
I don't know if you're Schuyler's buddy or anything, but I think you need a serious chill pill.
Yeah, all of us out here doing actual work in the world against racism, sexism, anti-Semitism...what we *really* need is a chill pill. What people without homes *really* need is (white) people with a shitload of privilege to be LESS interested in helping. What poor women getting beat up *really* need is more guys like you just chillin'. Yeah, chillin'. Chillin' is so obviously a universal good.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think all humor must be devoid of controversy. Man, Lenny Bruce is like one of my heroes. I think one of the main purposes of good satire is to push and pull at the fringes of society. The problem happens when it's not totally clear if something is satire or not. (Big question: is something still satire if no one can tell?) The point I was trying to make is that if any of my activist friends, doing work in their communities to combat racism, sexism, oppression, gentrification, etc. read this blog, I don't think they would be able to readily identify it as satire. And that's a problem. I can, because I know Schuyler, but I don't think that would be readily apparent to them. Especially with all the dubiously "satirical" comments.
'So joking about la raza is a little weird. And unacceptable.'
ReplyDeleteI never thought I'd side with Russ.
Seriously, Shell boy, chilate. Take your identity politics to your five hour meetings with Seattle hipsters who secretly loathe the fact that they couldn't load a carbine if their life depended on it.
Shooting people is awesome. Especially if they are some poor dumb bastard trying to get some money out of whitey to make up for hundreds of years of patriarchal capitalism.
Oops, that totally wasn't funny. I should say penance. Heh.
ADCF
Uh, "chilate"? Shooting people?
ReplyDeleteSo, I've never lived in D.C., but I do think I hate it now, just because of the sheer apathy of people posting comments on this blog. Does D.C. make you mean? Numb? Both?
(p.s. Schuyler, I didn't mean that first post to sound all personal. Aside from the n-spelling, everything else was meant to be generically directed at commentors (commentators?).)
ReplyDelete