Letting the Door Smack Me In the Ass On the Way Out

Several things before I go:

  1. Rusty, thanks for giving me the chance to write for you here. I have newfound respect for Rusty in that he constantly puts up with all the crap that comes along with writing a relatively popular blog. If you meet Rusty in a bar, buy him a beer because he probably needs at least one after every day of this.

  2. If you liked having me here, I'll invite you to come read what I write at my real blog: A Ton of Bricks. However, I am afraid you will be somewhat disappointed. When Rusty asked me to write for why.i.hate.dc in his absence, I resurrected a persona that had died a natural death almost 10 years ago: the angry, sarcastic, profane, disrespectful and cruel high school version of me. Like all zombies come back from the dead, this character, no, caricature wanders around looking for brains to devour and pollute. This is something I can't let happen, so now I've got to kill off this horrible bastardization of nature. I think I'll use an aluminum bat. All this to say, my normal blog is not full of invective and anger and hatred and humor and name-calling, so if that's what you liked about my stint here, you'll probably be disappointed.

  3. Thanks, readers, for sticking around while Rusty was out of town so that when he returns tomorrow his blog is more than just a burned-out, hollow shell of what it used to be. I think I managed to at least maintain your readership, Rusty.

And finally, I just want to say that there are lots of things to hate about this city. They come in all shapes and sizes, all creeds and colors, all philosophies and theologies. But the one thing that unites them all is a soul-crushing lack of respect for other human beings, the elevation of status above all else. Money and/or position truly do make the man (or woman! I’m not sexist! I have friends that are women! See, I’m really, really not sexist!)

This attitude is not funny. It is the opposite of humorous. It is anti-edification. It has no redeeming qualities. Everything else that we hate about this place, from the douchebags to the assholes to the criminal abuse of power is just a symptom of this disease.

A general lack of respect means you treat your fellow subway riders as obstacles to be overcome. It means you purposefully ignore the homeless because you are too good for them. It means you dehumanize anyone that doesn’t live up to your expectations of a “decent person.” It means you flaunt your six-figure salary and big-time political connections around in discussions just to make sure that the others in attendance know how much of a big shot you are and that they ought to treat you accordingly. It means you will insult anyone if it will give you a leg up in the never-ending struggle for power and status. It means that you should avoid “looking weak” at all costs. It means that you treat service workers as things to do your bidding, not as people. It means that your service workers will return the favor and treat you as an annoyance to be gotten rid of. It means that you can’t fathom taking 3 minutes out of your important life to talk to a Street Sense vendor. It means you can’t take three minutes out of your important life to make someone feel human. It means that you’d damn well better have more impressive shit than your neighbors because you are damn well more important than them. It means you progressively become a heartless sower of hate and misanthropy. It means “fuck you, everybody.” It means you will probably die screaming and sad and unable to figure out how or why it’s all ending this way and where are all your friends and family and why can’t your money and status and power get you out of this mess and God damn it what a waste.

It means that there is a Giant Food supermarket near my house and that in front of the Giant, there is a bus stop. It is the initial/terminal stop on the 90/92 route, which runs from McLean Gardens to Anacostia Station. Every day, the employees of the Giant are bused in from across the city because supermarket jobs are below us upper-classers. Our children will attend Sidwell Friends, or St. Alban’s or The National Cathedral School. They will never, not ever work at such a demeaning job. That is for the rabble, and that is why we have a bus system. Besides, they like coming up here to our nice neighborhood, don’t they?

If you think “well, that’s just what living in a big city is like,” does that make it okay? Does the fact that we live here and that to survive here you need to be cruel, jaded, cynical and sociopathically self-serving mean that it’s not a problem? That this is just the way it is? Maybe you should reconsider. Is it a source of pride that you can “survive” here if it means you are but a shell of a human being? Do you revel in the fact that you can easily ignore the panhandlers asking you for money? Do you truly enjoy a life of accumulation and consumption? Does it feel good to abuse and take advantage of others in order to accomplish your goals?

A commenter recently asked “[d]oes D.C. make you mean? Numb? Both?” And if you're not careful, the answer is “both.” Absolutely “both.” And that is why I fucking hate this city.


  1. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Damn. I actually liked you, Schuyler. Until you started on about how the Redskin's name is racist. Fuck, you are just like the rest of 'em.

  2. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Shut your hole, I think he was talking to you!

    Yeah, I don't agree w/ everything you said b/c I'm glad that I no longer have to work for shit and get disrespected every day, but your comments about treating other subway riders and residents like obstacles really spoke to me.

    I used to be really depressed and anxious and I'd actually shoulder people out of my way in the metro. I mean, I'd bump 'em good. I got into two street fights in one year.

    Anyway, it always helps to be reminded of people's humanity. I try to comport myself as an enlightened being... give people a smile, blow smoke up their ass.

    Peace out.

  3. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006


    Apropos of the last post, are you telling us that you're an illegal alien? You got your papers, buddy?!

  4. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Question: would Hispanics be so in favor of illegal immigration if Ireland was to our south w/, say, 1 billion Irish people? I seriously doubt it. They play the race card but someone should hold a mirror up to them....

  5. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Yeah, my name is Douche and I just picked a fight w/ both Krystal and Shithole.

    So call me a Doucehole-turdvomit-head... Seriously, how old are you guys w/ these potty-mouths?

    Oh, yes, I am totally a toolbox. You got me.

  6. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Good post Shuyler. You must think you're mickey fucking spillane. Anyway, it was eye opening, and even brought the trolls out of the woodwork. All in all, a good farewell speech to the troops. I felt like a GI in Libya in 1944 and you were Patton. Good work you ukelele strummer.

    I love when you anonymous bellyaches come out to diss Krystal. More, please.

  7. Amen to the post. Emotionally charged yet frightfully true.

  8. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006


  9. very well put. those are the feelings and sentiments that i've been trying to convey to people since i moved here from atlanta 1.5 yrs ago. people just don't understand. "what, you don't love washington, it's such a wonderful place." yeah, to visit. the people here are vile, and i feel myself slipping into the cespool, too, a lot.

    as soon as i put a reasonable amount of time in at my job, i'm outta here!

  10. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    I'm 12, Jizzbeard.

  11. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    this attitude you describe is not exclusive to DC. it's EVERYWHERE.

  12. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Damn right this place made me meaner. How you think I got this handle?

    You'll be missed Schuyler. Now, we get back to what really matters -- cookies and the Cape.


  13. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    "this attitude you describe is not exclusive to DC. it's EVERYWHERE."

    Are you sure about that? Maybe it's just you that is a miserable person, but you think that the problem lies with everyone else. Personally, I've found the folks in many other parts of this country to be much more welcoming. And not too mention less rude and arrogant. Just one person's opinion, though.

  14. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Oh, HELL, no, this attitude is not everywhere. How much time have you spent elsewhere?
    I am frightened that you are far from the only person I've heard expressing that opinion. Not surprisingly, those people have, as I said, spent very little time in any other region of the country.
    I used to slam the entire East Coast for rudeness, etc. But you know what? It's not the East Coast. At least, not entirely. It is D.C. Even in NYC, the rudeness is charming. Here? It's fugly. It's, "I'm wealthy and important, and that, combined with the fact that I'm short (why so many short men here? I don't think it's a coincidence) and unhappy, means that I will poop on you at will. Because YOU DON'T MATTER."
    With all the "powerful people" around here, I don't expect it to change. I'll try to do my part, though, and that's all I can do.

  15. We should all try and do our part. And if that means being direct and calling people on their arrogance and rude behavior, so be it. These arrogant ASSES need to be put in place. That is our job folks. Let that be a positive result of this blog. Lets call them out on their assholishness.

  16. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    I can't believe no one has picked up on the fact that the Nats' stadium is already potentially 89 million $$'s over budget. I hate to say I told you so, but......

    I hope DC goes bankrupt, this turns out to be the biggest scandal in the city's history, and the whole fucking place just gets sucked into a giant sinkhole and vanishes.

    Fuck you Nationals. Fuck you Redskins. Fuck you Capitals. Fuck you Wizards. Fuck you DC, NOVA, Maryland, and fuck you to anyone who is stupid enough to defend this miserable festering cesspool we are so foolishly proud to call the capital of the most powerful nation on the planet.

  17. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    to add to the JFK quote featured on this site's banner:

    Washington is a city of Southern dickheadedness and Northnern elitism

  18. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Huh. It makes you a bad person to have the reasonable belief that the best way to help a homeless person may not be a small handout? All people who think Street Sense isn't the Golden Cure for homelessness are heartless bastards? People shouldn't ride the bus to a job in a neighborhood where they don't live?

    I guess, if you look hard enough, you can find evil in just about anyone, and injustice just about anywhere.

    It's possible for good people to come to different conclusions about the best way to help others.

  19. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Nadia said - We should all try and do our part. And if that means being direct and calling people on their arrogance and rude behavior, so be it. These arrogant ASSES need to be put in place. That is our job folks. Let that be a positive result of this blog. Lets call them out on their assholishness.

    Wow. Nadia would make a great Jacobin or Red Guard. Kill 'em all! You don't have to be right; just ANGRY.

  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  21. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006


    More comments from people who failed to make it in DC. So sad.

    Just admit it: the city ate you up and spit you out. And you're oh-so-bitter...

  22. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    Schuyler, thanks for an entertaining week.

    Sorry to hear this isn't the real you.

    Hope you come back the next time Rusty goes on vacation.

  23. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    i don't live anywhere near dc, however for this last post it is not necessary, as sadly this attitude applies everywhere. everything said is absolutely true, but unfortunately i highly doubt that everyone who said they agreed with what you said will actually do something to change, and that is what makes dc or any city a shithole.

  24. Schuyler, as a guy who spent 5 years in DC and is now back home in Maine (and feels so much more human), I gotta say that I agree with you. Good job this week.

  25. AnonymousJuly 28, 2006

    DC is dirty as shit! I went to a show last week, and noticed how fucking huge the roaches are. Jesus, and the people you run into suck just as much. It's hard to find a genuine guy to date in this area, they are all gay or assholes. hmmmmmmm. yeah.

  26. AnonymousJuly 29, 2006

    I took my son to see American Idol last night. What should have been a 45 minute drive too me two hours and 45 minutes. We nearly missed the beginning of the show.

    Why do you people live her on purpose?

  27. AnonymousJuly 29, 2006

    Brilliant bit on the lack of DC humanity. I felt it when I was there... and I'm glad to say that I'm out and working on getting all that grime out of my system. DC is one of the most unique cities I've ever lived in.... unique in the sense that so many of it's residents hate it with such passion. But at least they use humor when dissing it....

  28. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006


    Like most people from seattle your a complete douche. Dont get me wrong DC is an awful city but as another poster has already said, i've found that people from seattle are often pretty boring when it comes to personality. Plus its so fucking isolated. You might as well live in Vladivostok. So if you really love that depressing shithole so much then you can have it.

  29. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006

    DC is also a place full of self-absorbed cry babies. There are people who think the Metro voice "sounds too mean." For crying out loud...

  30. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006

    time to update the murder counter, rusty.

  31. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006


    Who are YOU calling anonymous. You mean to tell me that Krystal Koons is your real name?

    Jizzbeard, eh? I do have a beard....

  32. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006


    Who are YOU calling anonymous. You mean to tell me that Krystal Koons is your real name?"

    You're rather slow on the uptake you blinding savage. The idea is that I use a name that no one else uses. A lot of people use anonymous so I don't know who I am talking to. Get it, shitkicker?

  33. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006

    No, no, I understood what you meant. I'm probably smarter than you anyway... I was just hoping to get a rise from you--which I did, you homo.

    From now on, I go by douche.


  34. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006

    And you've made quite a name for yourself, Krystal. Because of your tag, I can connect a string of idiotic comments to the same author. Brilliant!

  35. AnonymousJuly 31, 2006

    P.S. Are you Hispanic? If so, I've got a question for ya.

    Why do recent arrivals from Hispanish nations hump your ass when they're behind you in the grocery store line w/ Rhamen Noodles?

    Am I permitted to touch them back? How does this work? What's the deal?

    Respectfully Yours,


  36. It is sad really that you all hate DC so much. Seriously, you can move. Now I might be making some assumptions here, but if you have access to a computer and enough time on your hands to post on a relatively onscure blog such as this, then you probably have the economic means to leave. I love DC. I live on Capitol Hill, have for 5 years, it is where I met my wife and wher eI hoep to purchase a home (if I cna get a taker on the kid ney i'm not using). I don't understand the hate for DC. sure the place is run poorly, msot major cities are. Granted i give to pan handlers, especially the guys I know on the Hill. I put asshole staffers in their place when it is needed and I occassional shoulder bump a jerk on the Metro. but hey that is living in a city. I love it here. All of you people that don't can go live elsewhere. I think you're jsut looking for something to complain about. DC has got nothing on Detroit for the levels of danger, corruption, and murder. Feel good in the knowledge that it could be a whole heck of a lot worse.

  37. You are right about DC. It is soulless if you're living in the NW corner. At least New York and other big cities have a working class to bring the six-figure salaries back into line but in DC they get away with murder - whether from K St or the Hill, this place is emanating some serious bad karma at the moment. DC and the people you describe need a good, swift kick in the pants...

  38. These are pretty self-righteous comments for a blogger who stages impromptu 'find the homeless lady' scavenger hunts, as if she's an oddity rather than a disturbed human being.

  39. anonymous said - pretty self righteous comments....

    Rusty is the hypocrite who holds the "find the wacky homeless lady" competitions. Schuyler is a quest blogger. He made the comments.

    ...still - they were self-righteous comments.

  40. From your spotlighting of the Giant near the 90/92 bus stop, I see where you live. You are another child of white privilege, and your claims of sympathy for the black man ring hollow.