12.01.2008

If I Did It: Confessions Of A D.C. Womanizer



Image: Rock Creek Park of Washington, D.C., offers a number of body-dumping solutions for area psychopaths.

A surfeit of diversity as rich as our world: my chief complaint about our nation's capital one that I try, as a serial womanizer, to turn to my advantage.

The seat of federal government and center of the free world, "Rome" attracts droves of young women from across the country, as immortalized by Ray Liotta's character in Hannibal (2001): "…this town is full of cornpone country pussy." Moreover, the city, an African American homeland like no other, attracts also young women from all continents of earth, those permitted to work and those hoping simply to work it.

All of them: black, brown, red, yellow and white.

One late fall evening, I meet my new friend Ayn, a Moscow-born émigré from Israel who smokes Parliament Lights, one after another, in a never-ending chain of debauchery. Leaving my car behind, we take her Mercedes coupe uptown to Aroma in Cleveland Park, one of the only pubs to escape the District's smoking ban, enacted nearly three years ago.

"They try to bully me because I am small," she says, flicking an ash out the window as we race along Connecticut Avenue. "But wait 'til I get my Hummer, bitches."

Inside, we squeeze through the narrow bar area to a lounge in the back, smoke burning my eyes and singing the scillia of my lungs and I ask her whether she worries about her health.

"In Europe and the Middle East, we smoke constantly," she says. "You Americans have grown paranoid."

She looks at me as if I'm part of some larger problem.

"Cancer is for the poor and the weak-minded," she says. "I have no time for it!"

Later, I see her ducking out the front door as I try to get the barman's attention, to no avail, Aroma being no place for a respectable alcoholic such as myself. Like most of the blonde women here, she's going home with some random black guy. This one, she's smart. She lives to see another day. Probably.

A couple of weeks later, my odyssey here continues as I choose my next fixation: a pretty young Thai woman with limited English skills, as I am a man whose patience never ebbs with pretty young women and their limited English skills. Still, the woman knows a couple of key phrases, such as "What kind of car do you drive?" and "That's not my g-spot."

Against the advice of friends, I take her to a Thai restaurant, suppressing my giggles. She doesn't get the joke. She thinks we're going to a regular restaurant to eat regular food. As I stare at a couple of Thai girls at the bar, their legs folded beneath them, the young woman shatters my sense of superiority, suggesting we might ask the waiter to bring me a fork.

Oh, no she didn't!

Later, outside her house, our goodnight kiss turns into more and the windows steam, the hour late but her mother above. As we begin to "make love," she stops and furrows her brow, struggling to articulate her thought.

"When you put your finger in me," she says, "nothing happens. Your finger brings me no pleasure."

My renown throughout Asia as "He Whose Finger Brings No Pleasure" (他的手指帶來了不愉快), I imagine might also double as my Indian name.

Stunned, I turn the ignition and put the car into gear, wondering where I'll dump the body.

--M@

26 comments:

  1. Chendra LevyDecember 01, 2008

    That's NOT funny, M@. Asshole!

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  2. Krystal KoonsDecember 01, 2008

    I think what M@ was trying to communicate is that racism and murder are wrong and that we must all strive to live together in peace and harmony. I think that's the take-away here.

    Also, there is something wrong with his finger.

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  3. Holy cow m@! A fork AND no pleasure? It takes a brave man to admit this. Hope you still get dates.

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  4. it took you that long to come up with this? sheesh. i really miss rusty.

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  5. I think the British are right. Americans have no concept of irony.

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  6. I wonder if there's a course in Remedial Asian Sex when in DC?

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  7. Spellbound, funny you don't look Thai in your profile picture....

    How much is M@ paying you to keep defending his posts?

    I hope you or one of your friends never gets sexually assaulted because now THAT would be ironic.

    Bring back Liz.

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  8. My dear anon, I know M@ personally, but not that personally. He is a nice man but don't tell him I said so. He does seem to enjoy ignoring the "Don't feed the bears" signs. That's okay with me as I never enjoy men who are predictable. Why don't you email me and tell me why you hide behind a mask.

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  9. So, what does this have to do with hating DC?

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  10. two tries, epic fail.
    while i'm sure these stories are fantastic on your own blog, you fail to recognize your audience here.

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  11. I have no idea. I love DC myself. Of course, I don't have to live there or put up with the crime or the traffic or the psychopaths. I have every reason to hate it because my asshole first husband grew up there, but really, DC was an innocent bystander in that regard. Really darlin' the blog is not as much about DC as the people who live there. M@, no matter how you feel about him, is expressing one aspect of life in the big city.

    Now sweetie, I have to go to sleep. I have a job that starts very early in the morning. I bet you do too. Sweet dreams.

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  12. You hate D.C. because you finger doesn't work? How about your $*#(

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  13. What was the point of that map? Is that how you hope to segregate Rock Creek Park when you turn it into your serial killer dumping ground?

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  14. 1. You hate D.C. because you finger doesn't work? How about your $*#(

    --That works. It's just the finger, really.

    2. What was the point of that map? Is that how you hope to segregate Rock Creek Park when you turn it into your serial killer dumping ground?

    --You got it. That was the entire point of the map. Why would a serial killer bother to segregate his victims!? It's silly, really.

    3. Bring back Liz.

    --If you're looking for Liz, check Rock Creek Park. Just sayin'.

    4. two tries, epic fail.
    while i'm sure these stories are fantastic on your own blog, you fail to recognize your audience here.

    --And who are you to represent the audience? You are nobody.

    5. So, what does this have to do with hating DC?

    --Reread the lede, really.

    6. it took you that long to come up with this? sheesh. i really miss rusty.

    --Right. I should have come up with this LAST week! Right? I miss Rusty like I miss the dump I took yesterday. I've read your blog. Cracker, please....

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  15. You just blew my mind with this post.

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  16. M@ you are so effective and really hating in the comments section but without really being a complete jackass, if only you could use that same talent to give us good posts on the actual blog.

    "two tries, epic fail..." you represent just fine.

    Spellbound, your rebuttal?

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  17. Anonymous--Thank you for being constructive w/ your criticism. It's not like I don't have lots of ideas on the hate. I'm just experimenting a bit.... More cumming.

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  18. Yes Rusty and James were great. But they have gone on to better things. James has. I'm not sure about Rusty. But anyway, why should they continue to blog about why they hate D.C.? That's like comlaining about beans when you can now eat steak.

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  19. You guys kicked me out for this?

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  20. I can totally see that happening. Awesome.

    Asian chicks with limited English skills would say that. Although, I would expect it more from a Japanese chick than a Thai one.

    Sometimes, when I am drunk and bored, Ill translate English sentences to Japanese or Chinese, then translate it back to English. Sometimes the result is funny - sometimes it is not.

    And remember this. If you go to Japan then you become the "black guy" as far as the dude chicks want to randomly go home with. Or so I have heard. It is worth a shot. If all else fails you can get trashed on sake and then watch crazy Japanese TV shows. Or put on a rubber Godzilla suit and terrorize Tokyo.

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  21. Liz,

    I thought I told YOU to wait in the truck!

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  22. What were you using as a utensil at the Thai restaurant before she asked for the fork? Chopsticks?

    I can imagine her embarassment, being with some dumbass white dude using chopsticks in a Thai restaurant.

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  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. It was more of an Asian fusion place, rather than Thai. I embellished that detail for the purpose of humor, dumbass.

    I think you need a session with my finger.

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  25. you are a word-smith my maladjusted friend, not to be confused with Will Smith who is an acting-smith, and rapping-smith,...and dancing-smith... and black-smith. Awesome Possum Bouche!

    luv,
    The Greatness :D

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