12.03.2008

Ok DMV. It's just you and me now.

So, it appears that almost a year ago, the DC Department of Motor Vehicles cancelled my driver's license. I was unaware. No one called me or contacted me or sent a drunk man over to pee a message on to the sidewalk to let me know that I was no longer a licensed driver. I just became a non-driver. I found out when I tried to "skip the trip"to the DMV, as the DMV's advertisement so cheerfully advises from the sides of buses, by renewing my car registration online.

When I tried to renew my registration I got an error message claiming that the primary driver of the vehicle did not have a valid DC license. "Oh hilarity!" I thought! "That capricious interwebs has it wrong again!". I called 311 and was immediately placed on hold by a woman whose voice conveyed that she had come as far as she could possibly come, and as it wasn't as far as she wanted, I, her caller, would be paying the price. I explained and was immediately shouted down and told that "That inspection sticker about to expire! No registration with an expired sticker". I guess when one has failed to achieve in life what one hoped, verbs become a luxury not to be indulged in. I tried to argue that the sticker hadn't expired, and that I should still be able to purchase my registration, but more nouns were served up until I decided I would just get the damn car inspected already, damn it. I hung up real loud so she would know I was angry. I'm sure she got the message.

Fresh with an inspected car, I tried again. Webbertubes answer? Fail. I call 311 again and fail to listen to any of the options, because that's how I roll when angry: irrational in a non-threatening way. I pushed all the buttons at once and explained what happened to a perplexed someone at the parks and recreation department. She transfers me to the DMV where someone named Latrice (I was annoyed enough that at this point I started taking names, so later there could be kicking of asses) informed me that there was an error in the computer and if I would just be patient she would find it. She was talking at about three words a minute, so I was already at the limits of patience. Seven hours later, Latrice informs me that my driver's license was cancelled ELEVEN MONTHS AGO. Dumbfounded, I asked how the hell could that have happened? Latrice informed me that she would not be listening to no blasphemy, and when I asked to speak to her supervisor, she hung up.

Oh god damn you, you fucking bitch.

I called back and, of course, because Jesus hates me and does not want me as a sunbeam because I am a blasphemer, I got Latrice again. I would like to point out that her name is one letter away from latrine. Just saying. I had to act all sweetness and light and be like "we must have gotten disconnected" knowing full well that she took one of her bright orange acrylic talons and pressed the receiver hook down when I mentioned supervisor. I finally spoke to her supervisor who is named Frank, if you would like to stone him to death next time you are at the DMV. Frank explained that my license had been cancelled because I had a license in Kansas.... which of course was the license that I used to get my DC license... which the DMV took when they issued me a new license... which left Frank silent on the phone as he furiously tried to work out the chicken-or-the-egg situation that is intrastate driver's license transfers. He promised someone would call with a definite answer as to what to do the next morning. I asked if I could call him if I got arrested so he could bail me out. He hung up.

The next day no one calls, so I decide to call everyone. I call the director, the mayor, and everyone that is listed on the webbertubes as being connected to the DMV. No one calls me back. Finally I call Frank ten times an hour for two hours until he finally answers my call and announces that he has solved the problem.

What he meant to say is that he solved his problem, not mine. I was transferred to Ms Brownard, who didn't even bother letting the phone ring, just hit the voicemail dump button the first five times I called her. Finally, she tells me that my license was cancelled because it was one number away from a license that was to be cancelled, but they cancelled mine instead. Uhhhh, what the fuck are you talking about? No explanation as to why I wasn't contacted, no apology, no offer to resolve what was entirely their mistake. Nice work, District of Columbia. After even more phone calls, screaming, gnashing of teeth and more getting hung up on, I met Ms Brownard in the Southwest DMV this afternoon. I was a total twat and I am sure everyone there hates me, but guess what Latrice, Frank and Ms Brownard: I don't give a shit. I refused to wait in line, I rolled my eyes, I cut in front of people. Also, I kept yelling that I was here to see Ms Brownard! Ms Brownard! In retrospect, it's how everyone behaves at the DMV here in DC so I doubt the difference was noticable, but whatevs.

Ms B sullenly handed me my replacement driver's license and asked if there was anything else that she could do for me. I asked her, as brightly as possible, in a voice so chipper I wanted to inflict self-damage, if there was a problem with the DMV phone system as I kept getting hung up on. She fixed me with a stare that implied that I was part of the problem and not the solution, and as deadpan as a 350 pound woman can possibly be, said that she was unaware of any telephone problem.

Oh Latrice, Frank, Ms Brownard: if grinding bureaucracy ever had it's poster children, there you are. God bless you, everyone.

But fuck you Latrice. Nobody takes that attitude with me.

37 comments:

  1. Orange talons? Whahahahaha.

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  2. so you said butt fuck you, latrice?
    did her eyes light up?

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  3. you know why do people even bother living in the crappy district with its crappy, sub-retarded bureaucrats and services? you can live in a burb and use the city's offerings like a parasite immune from reciprocal taxation, which we suburb dwellers are.

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  4. I had the EXACT SAME THING happen to me two years ago, and the fuckers made me pay 75 bucks for a new license as if the issue had been voluntarily caused by me...

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  5. I imagine an entire pasture of black heifers staring at you as pass, lowing. "Mmmmmmhhhhhhmmmmm, mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhmmmmmm....."

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  6. You rage fills me with joy. This was fantastic.

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  7. [slow clapping] Bra-VO, sir. Bra-VO.

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  8. Your DMV trinity actually governs every city agency.

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  9. Just another reason why I'm considering ditching DC for MoCo.

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  10. WE BE ENTITLED TO BE GIVIN YOU SHITTY SERVICE AT THA DMV BAMMA NOW PAYE FOR MY KIDZ SCHOOL AND MAI FOD STAMPZ WHY U AT IT BABY.

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  11. I hung up real loud so she would know I was angry.

    How's that work? You just aggressively close that Razr so it makes the most emphatic *snap* sound it can muster?

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  12. Who the fuck uses a Razr anymore? That shit went out of style at least four years ago. Yuppies like myself stopped using those phones long and and I'm sure my old one is still sitting in a pawnshop in Anacostia somewhere.

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  13. I still have my razr. I just reuse the phone I have until it dies. I only need it to talk to people, that's it. Why spend it when you can save and invest?

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  14. Maybe the BK was using a pay phone, like in the Metro or something. You can still hang up real loud on those.

    Good luck with that 'saving and investing' Anon.

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  15. One number? One fucking number? You got screwed by a god damn digit?

    This could only happen to you, Badger.

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  16. sounds somewhat similar to my situation with ffx county. those idiots couldnt find me for more than a year to try and get their personal property taxes for my car. ridiculous. for me, PPT is reason enough to avoid living on the other side of the river, because their DMV beuracracy is equally backwards, ive dealt with both. its all enough to fill anyone with hate.

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  17. A few years ago, the property tax bill for our parking space (it's separate from our house, to which it is attached...go figure) suddenly went way, way up. After god knows how many calls to many different people, I discovered that it had been re-categorized as "Abandoned," and I was now being taxed at the punitive rate.

    Of course, 1) it wasn't abandoned, we had a car in it the entire time (and besides, it's a freaking parking space, not a damn house), and, 2) there is a lengthy bureaucratic process that the DC government is supposed to follow before converting a property to "abandoned" status...including multiple notices and a hearing or two...none of which actually happened in our case.

    It was just some idiot hitting the wrong key on their keyboard.

    After finally identifying the one person who could correct our record, we left something like 30 voicemails over a three-month time period before finally getting the issue resolved.

    Looks like I should've just gone down to their office and started shouting that I had an appointment to see Ms. So-and-so...so you see, BK, I've learned something here today.

    Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the person who messed with me is now or will soon be going to prison, so, you know, HA-HA!

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  18. Carefully skippy....it starts with a few reasonable outbursts over terrible service by a city employee, and the next thing you know you're the dickhead who screams and huffs and stomps at the bored 16 year olds working at Safeway. (Not that you're that guy....yet. But I did start to wonder if I was destined to become him after screaming at three different Comcast employees in one afternoon).

    But at the end of the day, it is probably our destiny.

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  19. How you know dat dem talons be orange? Everyone know green is da new orange!

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  20. I'm really really sorry you had to deal with all that, except I'm really not because I loved reading your rant. Your rage is poetry, it's sunshine on a cloudy day, and it's pant-wettingly funny.

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  21. you know you're doing well when the trolls don't bring up transplants vs home grown

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  22. My daughter turned to me on Tuesday while we were sitting in DMV holding the D439 ticket while they were serving A75 and B320 and C132, obviously trying to confuse us on how long we would be waiting in line during our lunch hour. Anyway she said, "Mom, please don't be rude to anyone." I just couldn't stop laughing, pretty much like when I read this post.

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  23. There is no vortex of evil more sucking than a DC DMV. When I lived in Adams Morgan, I got a ticket for parking in a zone I had a permit to park in and had to waste an entire day hanging out in the DMV, waiting to explain it to whichever brainless minion had enough authority to get it voided. As always: no apology for wasting your time, no admission of error. Bastards.

    Congratulations on getting through it successfully and without resorting to terrible, maiming violence.

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  24. "orange talons" was pure brilliance.

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  25. Darrin StevensDecember 04, 2008

    I wonder if all caps guy screams at people in person. I bet the whole neighborhood knows when he's screwing his woman.

    YEAH BITCH THAT'S GOOD. DAMN THAT @#$$% IS GOOD. HOLD ON I'M BOUT TO BUST A NUT HERE IT COME AH
    S%^&!!!!!!

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  26. Doubtless Latrice will be receiving the Employee of the Month award.

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  27. Darrin StevensDecember 04, 2008

    I wonder if the acrylic used for arificial nails decreases your brain capacity.

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  28. Shit dude, that sucks ass... I'm glad I have my Maryland license, even if I haven't lived in Maryland for the past six years, nor have I ever lived at the address that the DMV thinks I live at.

    If you just don't tell the government that you live in DC, you'll be fine. Same thing goes for taxes (they still haven't figured out that I have income from Canada and Germany!).

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  29. Ahhh yes, the DC DMZ. I got in an argument with an employee there about pushing my chair in after taking my test. Not to mention the utter hell of standing on your feet waiting in 10 different lines before their infinite wisdom guided them to the "take a number" system.

    I was stunned when I moved to VA and took care of everything having to do with my registration & license transfer in ONE LINE.

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  30. Oh, Badger. Another 'mo who escaped the hell of Kansas to the hell that is DC. God (or Buddah, or Mohammad or Donald Trump - whomever you chose to worship) bless you!

    After moving into the District in August, I knew I was screwed when the line at the Georgetown DMV was 2 hours JUST TO GET A NUMBER!

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  31. I like it. It's funny. I hope there's a lot of exageration though, because you're part of the problem, too. You act as if you're the only one who requires city services, but there are thousands of people along with you that day. When you and a handful of others call every 10 minutes and pull supervisors and chains-of-command into minor tasks, why are you surprised that things grind to a halt? It only takes a few of you to slow things down for everyone, then it's a vicious cycle: slower loop, more irate people interupting work and cutting in line, slower loop, more irate people, etc.

    It's funny because you know how to write, but you're kind of a douche too, you do admit.

    And BTW canceling DLs one number off, and people with DLs in multiple jurisdictions, is a policy brought to you by the Patriot Act. If you had been nicer they might have told you that.

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  32. "If you had been nicer they might have told you that."

    Yeah, 'cause I'm sure they knew that and were just DYING to share the information.

    If every other f*cking state (excuse me, every f*cking state, DC is a DISTRICT) can do it right, there should be no one needing to place irate phone calls every 20 minutes to fix screw-ups.

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  33. Uhhhh, Brendan? Are you retarded? I don't care if there are a lot of people in line to use city services, even if they are retarded people. Cancelling the wrong license is an abject failure. I don't think the patriot act was created to cancel the wrong driver's license. And no, I do not concede that I am a douche, but you, my friend, are an idiot. And like granddad used to say, you can't fix stupid.

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  34. I waited in a DMV line for at least 1.5 hours and an elderly woman also in line PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR from having to stand so long. This city's gov't is like some kind of crumbling Soviet mess.

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