You're Doing It Wrong

A few months ago I predicted we'd have approximately three train jumpers this Holiday Season. It's basically a Christmas tradition here, much like the lighting of the National Christmas Tree or the hanging of those jumbo-xmas wreaths at Union Station.

As of Wednesday, I'm 1 for 3. The Washington Post:
A man was fatally injured this morning after putting himself in the path of an oncoming Metrorail train at the Shady Grove, Metro officials said.

The train was headed to Glenmont when it hit the man about 9:50 a.m., officials said. In a news release, Metro said the man "intentionally placed himself" on the tracks.

One thing I've never understood about these stories is that nobody takes advantage of the electrified third rail. Why not just stick your tongue on that?

But you know what's really fucked up? According to the story, the dude survived for long enough for rescuers to transport his body to the hospital. He later died.

Now, I've been told that suicide isn't as much about killing yourself as it is a desperate cry for help and attention. Anyone afflicted with suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously by those around them.

That being said... Lord baby Jesus, forgive me for what I'm about to say next...

If people who throw themselves onto train tracks are trying to get attention from others, there's more effective locations for doing that than Shady Grove. Unlike someone who jumps from a building, shoots themselves, or performs some other morbid individual act, train jumpers are trying to maximize the impact in a disruptive way. It's basically a big "Fuck You" to the world.

DC has that effect on people.

IF you're resolved to jumping in front of a train, doing it at the Shady Grove Metro station is NOT the way to go. Take it from me. If you want maximum impact, do it at Union Station, the most heavily visited location if the DC rail transit system.

Sure, Metro Center or Gallery Place may sound like ideal death spots, but keep in mind you have different lines on separate levels. You're not really going to get the same effect as you would at Union Station. Unless perhaps half of your severed body is ejected into the air and falls onto the lower level. That would be pretty effective. But you'll probably have only one shot at this-- so don't blow it by thinking you can showboat when you can't. Plus, unlike any other Metro station, I'd imagine an incident at Union would disrupt or maybe even temporarily halt the MARC and AMTRAK trains as investigators inspect the entire system.

So there. I'm still holding out for two others. If you can give me a shout out right before you jump, I'd appreciate it.

Disclaimer: This is a joke. I'm an insensitive ass. Anyone experiencing thoughts of suicide should contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-784-2433. They will have better advice than me on ways to kill yourself.


  1. Oddly enough, I miss working in DC only because I miss the great stories of the city. The ones that I would see and the ones I would hear about.

    Train jumpers? Who honestly says "hmmmm, I think I will step off of this nice little landing spot with the pretty lights flashing...NOW...BAM?"

    Damn those selfish bastards and bitches for messing up people's morning commutes.

  2. rain jumpers? Who honestly says "hmmmm, I think I will step off of this nice little landing spot with the pretty lights flashing...NOW...BAM?"

    --Actually, when I was having negative thoughts several years ago, that was EXACTLY my plan. It was just an ideation and it went away w/ the dark thoughts BUT it IS the preferred method in D.C.

    I was thinking of the Orange Line in Virginia on a Monday morning at, let's say, 8:45 a.m.

  3. You know, this could have easily been mean and tasteless... but you made it funny. Nice work!

  4. I have ALWAYS wondered that about the electrified rail! And completely forgot about it until just now - 6 years after moving to Pittsburgh.

  5. Do you guys ever have evil thoughts that just pop into your head, uninvited?

    I sometimes fantasize about pushing people onto the tracks, particularly young women who wear their bluejeans tucked into their Ugh boots.

  6. maybe all the train jumpers are waiting until inauguration when they'll have a real audience to watch their cries for help/attention.
    btw, to go off on a completely unrelated but entertaining tangent - will 5,000 porta potties be enough for this town for the inauguration? what if they overflow? will the porta potty crew be able to make it through the crowds to clean out the outhouses? the stench, the stench, the stench.

  7. Matt,
    I used to fantasize about punting those stupid, fucking briefcases on wheels into oncoming trains. You ever do that?

  8. Noelle,

    Nothing would be more satisfying. Of course, I'm the type of guy who'd like to take someone's yoga mat and beat her over the head with it, too. But, yes, the briefcases on wheels. Just pick them up! Really.....

  9. Did you ever consider that the train jumpers are just trying to give everyone else an unexpected free day off work?

    Hello boss? Yea I can't come into work today. Someone jumped in front of the train and now the rail system is totally shut down. Also, I think I got some brains or spleen or something gross and slimy on my clothes, so I have to go home and change.

    I too am an insensitive ass.

    People like M@ are the reason I stand well away from the platform. Of course, I think the same thing sometimes. Usually about the jackass having the phone conversation. The rail system here is elevated so cell phones work just fine.

  10. Unless perhaps half of your severed body is ejected into the air and falls onto the lower level.

    This is where I went from laughing to myself to howling out loud! Thanks as always for your spot-on sense of humor.

  11. I get on the metro at SG around 1030 (I left DC for greener pastures in MD) and I was pissed my commute was delayed. If that guy was as considerate in death as he was in life, I say good ridance.

  12. Matt is obviously misogynistic. (He hates women.)

  13. You are such a total dick wad...unbelievable!

  14. I missed my first date with my boyfriend because of a train jumper. Of course, that was in Japan, where they have a reason to jump in front of a train. Buck it up DC, not only is it not worth it, but I doubt Metro will actually kill you.

  15. This seems to happen quite frequently in London as well, which is odd. (More people, but highly superior city.) London Underground has a fantasticly British announcement, calmly attributing the delay to "a customer under the train."

  16. With all due respect... You know what, disregard that comment. Honestly, you guys are SICK to be carrying on a conversation, such as this one. Yes, he DID take his life, but, even in death, he has to be put through MORE pain, by people whom he doesn't even know of, badgering, and making fun of him? NONE of you know what the hell he went through... hell, I don't even know what the hell he went through. People have their OWN SEPERATE lives, and problems; some worse than others... but, that gives you all the right to judge, and DISRESPECT him, in by FAR, such a demeaning way- EVEN in his death? Honestly, I don't mean to sound like a religious maniac, but I HOPE that you ALL burn in hell, in a slow, painful fire... Each and every one of you bastards, mocking his death. That's not being judgemental, that's just a mear thought, to how disgusting I find people like you all to be. Be careful though, because... you never know WHO in YOUR family, just might be derailed in their own, secretive way, that they JUST might do the same- but, in a more extreme way, than he did. Then, who's going to be the one laughing, and ridiculing? You sick fucks.