12.02.2008

Memo to Suburban-Dwelling Visitors to Washington, D.C.

Hey, assholes: Kindly refrain from blasting generic 90s cock rock out of your boom-boom wannabe ghettomobile on Connecticut Avenue in the middle of the goddamn night. Woodley Park is not hard or street, and neither are you. Fucking poseurs.

And while we’re at it…

Hey, fratty Virginians: When you are drunkenly stumbling to your car so you can swerve your way back to the Commonwealth (classy!) or lumbering toward the Metro after your evening in Adams Morgan, no one wants to hear your pleated khaki-clad ass have a loud argument with your ex-girlfriend on your cell phone from the sidewalk -- including, most likely, her. So shut the fuck up.

You know, I enjoy the expected bustling street noise in a normal urban environment, but sadly, that’s not what we get here in our nation’s capital. Instead, it’s just a bunch of douchery, posturing, and lameness. Piss off, dicksmacks.

17 comments:

  1. In all fairness, many of the younger suburbanites you are against are actually from families who are natives to Washington DC as opposed to all of the out of towner midwesteners who are completely outsiders to this area with absolutely no family ties to this region. So those suburbanites actually belong in DC more than you do. Many of the out of towner midwesterners moved over here because they did not have shit back home where they came from.

    I know plenty of people who's parents moved to Virginia from Washington DC for a higher standard of living along with less crime. They also did not enjoy having to guess if the fire hydrants in their DC neighborhoods were out of order.

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  2. DC, NoVA & MD natives > Transplant scum

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  3. Regardless of whether these people or their parents may have at some point lived in D.C., when they come here now, their obnoxious noise pollution and general dumbassery fucks with my enjoyment of life, not to mention their lack of ownership of this area apparently makes them think they’re entitled to trash and disrespect it. It’s bullshit.

    For the record, I am not from the midwest. (Liz was, so perhaps you’re confusing me with her since we both have ovaries and everything.) I spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence in Maryland, and although I’m not necessarily defending that state, I consider myself an east coast native.

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  4. Hell, that sounds like anywhere U.S.A

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  5. If you like assholes who want to share their music with the world, and fat drunk people waddling around yelling into a cell phone, you will LOVE Miami!

    There are areas of South Florida that are just as hood rat infested as anyplace other than Compton.

    Is DC really all that different?

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  6. Ahhh, yes. Good observations on "dicksmacks" and "douches." I'll re-read this when I get my second cup of coffee.

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  7. Virginia FratboyDecember 02, 2008

    With a moniker like "Melpomene," you'd think you'd be a bit more arty. But all I'm hearing here is that you don't like cock.

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  8. Guns are legal now, right? I'm so very glad--throwing my machette from my 12th floor window isn't exactly accurate when trying to hit those Virginia fratboys.

    I think, maybe, the problem here is that people come here and enjoy themselves (assholes), but the folks who grew up around here (Maryland: We Have Crabs) know better. At least, we wouldn't be utterly shocked to have a large machette thrown at us out of a window if we were walking drunkenly down the street yelling at our exes on the phone at 3 AM; it would almost be expected.

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  9. Virginia FratboyDecember 02, 2008

    Go back to Maryland if you don't like urban living. And this isn't even that big of a city.

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  10. yourmothersgotAIDSDecember 02, 2008

    god this blog sucks so bad but i can't stop reading it...guess the jokes on me. and just to put my two cents in, i know when i come to town for a show or party i like to drink/drug it up from time to time but GENERALLY take a cab back to good ol douche bag arlington (god i hate this area) but i do definitely throw my trash on the ground. beer cans, takeout, whatever, i dont care..it's a fucking filthy city. i mean jesus, hasnt anyone ever been to philly? you think it's bad here? fuck you. so yes when i am in your "hood" i am most definitely littering. you can eat my shit from your conn ave aprtment/condo/moms house faggots.

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  11. M'dear, this is part and parcel of the Adams Morgan living experience. If you didn't want to wallow in douchery, you moved to the wrong part of town.

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  12. nigga pleaseDecember 02, 2008

    Nigga Please,

    Whitey gonna live on a reservation like the fat fucking drunk Indians. Running the casinos and five belly flop web sites. It's all good.

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  13. So right. It would be one thing if it were "normal" for once. For now, the city is intolerably annoying.

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  15. Just dont go anywhere in the city west of 14th st. Problem solved

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  16. VA fucking sucks, stay in clarendon. STOP BLASTING your ghetto music near my EXPENSIVE CT ave apt! Woodley Park is wonderful and you maggots do nothing but ruin my experience.

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