Super Bowl

TOTALLY NOT DC RELATED.

BUT, this is all I have to say about the Super Bowl.

Getting Flinty.

It's time to get flinty, according to Black Jesus. I offer the ten ways in which it's time for DC to get into the spirit of things (exactly what that spirit entails is unclear as of yet, but let's be as American as possible and just wade in without knowing what is going on or with regard to the consequences. Hurray!).

1. Nothing is canceled ever, for any reason, including mechanical failure or danger to human life.
2. Metro is no longer funded at all. It just runs on the sheer excitement the inauguration generated!
3. Georgetown is sold off to Virginia, but we get the rest of Arlington back to use as a driving range/ dunebuggy course.
4. Marion Barry is executed by the state.
5. No more schools at all. Michelle Rhee will just go to every child's house and tell them what they should know in fifteen minutes. Problem solved.
6. Hand guns are allowed in the District, but only if you are also legally drunk while carrying them.
7. EMS workers receive further fifteen minutes of training by Michelle Rhee, allowing them to correctly identify the torso 60% of the time.
8. The Palisades neighborhood is bulldozed and turned into gritty urban set for the next season of 24.
9. License plate motto is changed to “Not paying taxes any more, thanks.”
10. Liquid water is no longer allowed to freeze into the crystalline state, through sheer mental flintiness.

Bring it back to WMATA

I love WMATA, you all know this. I go on and on about transit, and about how we should have better transit that is more effective, and all of that. Some of you haters in the Commentariat like to point out sane and logical things, like METRO IS EXPENSIVE AND PEOPLE DON'T USE IT! Or things like, "people are logical and if driving is easiest and cheapest, they will drive" or "you can't force people to take transit."

Well, whatever, WMATA is totally fucked. For a variety of reasons, beyond just the typical "wow, they really suck." WMATA is going to be cutting a lot of things from their budget this year, and today they are announcing the first $103 million of these cuts.

The first $103 million will be in personnel cuts, layoffs, etc. The rest will be made with either service cuts or fare hikes.

Personally, my #1 (SNARKY) suggestion would be to charge greater fares for people traveling INTO the District of Columbia. How about a nice $10 fare each way for people coming from Vienna, Shady Grove, Glenmont, Huntington, Franconia-Springfield, and New Carrollton. I'll cut Largo Town Center and Branch Avenue people some slack. For now.





My #2 (SNARKY) suggestion is even better, I promise. I think WMATA should invest in Powerball and Mega Millions tickets. I don't know what days Mega Millions is, but every Wednesday and Saturday WMATA should use that day's fare collections to purchase Powerball tickets. They should definitely option for POWER PLAY if the jackpot is over $100 Million.

In real life, we should actually NOT cut service, and instead encourage people to use transit, even if it means the government must subsidize it. I'd even make the argument that public transit should not charge fares, and that the "public good" effect of transit existing will pay for itself over time. Think about increased revenue from development around transit! But that's just me musing AGAIN about things that will never be.

Afterall, I'm just a sad, pathetic bastard who sits and blogs all day. What do I know about anything? Other than funny pictures. 'Cause I've got that shit COVERED.

Moe's Enemy List

Now I don't mean to stir up internet drama... wait, that's a lie. I don't like the idea of blog feuds, but I've got a serious bone to pick with Prince of Petworth.

A post went up there today with a review of the coffeeshop Jolt 'n Bolt. Whatever, that's cool, review of a coffeeshop. The piece was written by Tina, who is apparently the site's intern (this site could use some interns, am I right?). The intro paragraph of the post reads:

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. A couple of months ago I joined the ranks of the unemployed. I won’t lie, some days are a little touch and go, but on the whole I am happy with my new status and am relishing in my newfound abundance of time to focus my energy on volunteering, finishing my graduate school applications (wish me luck!), taking up new hobbies like cooking and painting (not at the same time though), catching up on my reading, finishing the scarf that’s been sitting in the knitting bag since last winter, and finally getting to visit the museums during the quiet hours. For a person without a job I’ve managed to keep myself pretty busy. However, I do still have a good amount of downtime, and if it were warm I would spend much of it outdoors. But in these freezing temperatures, bike rides, leisurely strolls, and sunbathing in the park don’t sound like such great ideas. So, I’ve taken to toting my laptop or a good book over to one of the many neighborhood coffee shops.

There's been an ensuing comment war, about whether or not Tina was being insensitive, given the fact that a lot of people are unemployed and can't spend months exploring the city and picking up new hobbies. I don't know what Kool-Aid the commenters over there are drinking, but I think it's obviously insensitive. It's downright, "OMGZ look at how awesome being unemployed is."

The owner of the site, the Prince himself, has defended Tina saying it's "very far from insensitive." Lord, this is what's so wrong about this city. Read some of the comments over there, do people even have any sort of idea what it's like when you lose your job and are close to losing everything you have? Without a safety net of mommy and daddy or whoever else to back you up? I suppose not! When Tina runs out of money or gets too bored, she can probably move back home. Unemployment isn't so great for the families with kids and bills and medical costs who have to decide which kid gets to eat rather than which coffeeshop to sit at and post to blogs from.

I know, I know, this is petty and stupid. Maybe so. But remember:


On the scale of things that piss me off, today's entry to Moe's Enemy List gets 3 out of 4 possible Mo Roccas.

  

UPDATE: For those who still think unemployment is AWESOME! Check this out:

A Los Angeles neighborhood is reeling Tuesday night. Investigators say a man shot and killed his wife and children before turning the gun on himself.

Officers found the seven bodies in the family's Wilmington home Tuesday morning after they got a call from a TV station.

Police say Ervin Lupoe had faxed a letter to KABC saying he and his wife had been fired from their jobs at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center, and they had planned the killings together.

"I can't state enough, it's a family tragedy and it's our worst fear in these tough times - having people who don't see any alternative, finding a way out of financial problems or job problems," said Deputy Chief Kenneth Garner with the Los Angeles Police Department.

LEAD (Pb) Follow or Get Out of the Way

POP QUIZ.

From 2001-2003, what cost more--a gallon of unleaded gas, or a gallon of unleaded water in the District of Columbia?

If you said a gallon of gas, you'd be correct, because YOU COULDN'T EVEN PURCHASE THE LATTER.

I know, you've probably made jokes about the poor quality of water in D.C. Such as OMGZ! I BETTER BUY SOME MORE BOTTLED WATER, I WON'T DRINK THIS SWILL. Or perhaps, MORE PERRIER, PLEASE!

Unfortunately, this is actually serious. In case you missed the front page article in the Post yesterday about all of this...

Authors of the study, at Virginia Tech and Children's National Medical Center, said their findings raise concern about the 42,000 D.C. children, now ages 4 to 9, who were in the womb or younger than 2 during the water crisis. Those children might be at risk of future health and behavioral problems linked to lead, the report said.

The study, based on a detailed analysis of thousands of children's blood tests from 2000 to 2003, contradicts the public assurances issued by federal and D.C. health officials starting in 2004. At the time, although officials acknowledged that the amount of lead in city water were at record-breaking levels, they said repeatedly that they found no measurable impact on the general public's health.

This is just another example of this horrific trend of complete, utter and sheer incompetence in government. Back in 2003-2004 when people were talking about this, the best solution WASA had for most residents was to SEND THEM COUPONS FOR WATER FILTERS. For the latecomers, I'm actually not joking about that. Here's a Britta, sorry about a few years of contaminated water.

You know what sounds good with some DC tap water? How about some paint chips. Or maybe some slugs, you can pick some up in Virginia at a gun range. Suck on a few of these.

Back in 2003, the WASA Water Quality Manager, Seema S. Bhat was fired after notifying the EPA about the dangerous levels of lead in the District's water. In 2005, she was reinstated at WASA, with back pay. This article has a bit more info about that. While normally this site is about spewing hate, I have to give it to Seema for stepping up.

From that same article, in 2005:

Post writer David Nakamura reports that the two men who recommended Ms. Bhat's termination -- Kofi Boateng, her supervisor, and Michael A. Marcotte, WASA's deputy general manager -- are no longer with the agency.

In case you were wondering, Marcotte is now in charge of public works for the City of Houston. I can't find any information about Kofi Boaten.

Glad to see justice was served.

***WINTER SELF-REFERENCE ADVISORY***

In case you didn't see the IN YOUR FACE banners on every single local news outlet, there is some snow on the ground.

Now of course you have the typical "haha, DC sucks because we all panic and freak out when there's snow!" which sounds a lot like, "I MOVED HERE FROM CANADA WHY CAN'T YOU ALL HANDLE SNOW BETTER."


NOTE: I did not make this picture. It's from someplace else.

Anyways, what's even more annoying than the news media going on and on about the snow... are blogs complaining about the news media going on and on about the snow.

Yeah, we get it. DC doesn't get a lot of snow, so the news media freaks out about the snow. They put big red scare banners saying "WINTER WEATHER WARNING OMGZ!" on their sites. People rush out and by 55 gallon drums of salt. And 10 shovels. Yeah, it happens every year when it snows. Which in '07/08 was ONE TIME. This year, just about ONE TIME. The most recent BIG snow I can remember was back in 2003.

I'm also acutely aware that blogs complaining about other blogs complaining about the snow freakout, is well, probably something worth complaining about. So do it in the comments.

Meanwhile, lets all bitch about:

1. How badly the city prepared for the snow (or, conversely, how stupidly they overprepared)
2. How wrong the weather people are
3. How stupid _________ County is for closing, or how stupid _________ County is for staying open.

A vision of what will never happen

This album by some shitty L.A. band has probably made more money than WMATA in the last year.


One week ago, the city had something like 1.5 million people downtown to watch the swearing in and parade. Metro handled 1.1 million trips, with only ONE old lady falling on the tracks! I don't know about you, but I find that amazing. I was expecting far more death and dismemberment than that.



Hey kids, follow me to the Purple Gate! I'll need to see your tickets!


Sure, there was the PURPLE TUNNEL OF DOOM, and while that did look like it was truly uncomfortable and disappointing for those people, I didn't even have tickets at all so I don't feel much pity.

I know, I know, what's the point here. Well, the point is that the city got more people in and out more efficiently than on any other day in the history of the city. And with all the bridges closed. And with most downtown streets shut down. People from all across the country, not just the region, figured out how to get here without driving. It's possible to get people in and out without them all driving their own cars.

Metro gets points in my book for handling this when they don't have very much money, and more than half of rush hour Red Line trains are actually held together with twine and Popsicle sticks.

If we can handle 1.1 million trips, why shouldn't we aim for 800-900K weekday averages. Instead, we don't, and we gripe about Metro sucking so we all drive our cars to work. Believe me, I know the argument, Metro sucks so I will drive my car the 5 miles to work, which will get me there 30 minutes faster than taking Metro. It's the love affair with the cars, and I know the Commentariat here will be up in arms saying "WHINE WHINE WHEN IT IS TOO COLD OR TOO HOT I LIKE TO SIT IN MY CAR INSTEAD OF ON A BUS."

or "WHINE WHINE WHINE THIS IS AMERICA AND WE DRIVE CARS IN AMERICA. BUT ONLY FOREIGN CARS. AMERICAN CARS ARE FOR POOR PEOPLE AND REDNECKS."

or "WHINE WHINE WHINE LOOK AT ME I TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS."

Seriously, can we stop with the lunacy already. We're going to get a wider beltway (HAHA HOW FITTING, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE "TIGHTENING" OUR BELTS), some kind of Inter-County Connector in Maryland (IM SORRY, I DON'T SPEAK SUBURB). But how's the Silver Line to Dulles going? Meh, it'll maybe happen, possibly, sometime before we die. Or how about expanding the Metro a bit? Yeah, yeah, we talk about how it costs $1 billion per new 1/4 mile of Metro or whatever the figure is... but hey, what's $1 billion in the grand scheme of things. I'd rather have 2 new metro lines than see Bank of America get bailed out 5 more times.

Or what about putting in some dedicated bus lanes on K Street, helping ease the flow of traffic for both cars and buses? Nah, we're gonna have to wait until 2017 for that, because there isn't any money.

If you're bored, you can watch a snazzy computer rendering of what K Street could be. AWESOMENESS.

The Topic Sentence Sums It Up

"Nightlife in Washington may bring to mind badge-festooned staffers from the Hill getting jiggy with retro rock, and if they are really going for it, repurposing a necktie as a bandana."



LOL! Oh, New York Times! I couldn't have summed it up better myself and I LIVE here! Go figure!

Oh, but hold on. It seems there's more to this article than what may be the most accurate topic sentence of all time. Let's see...

"But then you remember the District is home to one of the best nightclubs in the world, a place where Bob Dylan, a favorite of the incoming president, has been known to play unannounced shows, where Bob Mould of Hüsker Dü fame occasionally spins records, the kind of joint that will warm up the night before the inauguration with a double bill of, get this, the Beastie Boys and Sheryl Crow."

Hmm. I have two observations from that paragraph. Firstly, ew -- Sheryl Crow. And secondly, this reporter must be referring to the 9:30 Club.

"In a once bereft part of town in the former WUST Radio Music Hall at the intersection of 9th and V Streets, the 9:30 Club (so named for its former location at 930 F Street NW) is a bar with remarkable sound -- you feel as if you're sitting inside a good guitar -- great sightlines and a reputation among all kinds of acts as a musician's club."

Aha! I love being right (because I rarely am). And, in a surprising twist, I will not disagree with this reporter (except for his appreciation of Sheryl Crow). The 9:30 Club is pretty tight: the stage is really high off the ground; the sound is good wherever you decide to stand; there are four bars scattered about three levels; the tickets are fairly priced; and it's in a really easy-to-bike-to location for me.

But let's return to that first sentence. You know, the one that points out how DC is full of "badge-festooned douches, er, staffers." This is a problem. A big problem. In fact, the crowd is usually so gigantic of a problem that it negates all of the aforementioned awesomeness noted by myself and the New York Times (except for the whole Sheryl Crow thing). And this is why we (royally) hate DC.

While the city -- and in this case, the 9:30 Club -- has much to offer physically, its soul is bereft of genuine awesomeness because of the enhanced douchebag quadrant. In other words, its soul -- to no fault of the club's own, or perhaps even the physical city's -- is rooted in douchery. That is, large crowds here (eh, and individuals, too) largely blow.

And while I have some personal and specific examples of how a reject crowd regularly effs up shows at the 9:30 that you can read here, here and here, I won't spend the majority of this post slyly (or maybe just shamelessly) self-promoting. No, no. Instead I will simply provide a general three-step guide for future show-goers about the proper way to conduct oneself at a concert so as not to end up on some bitch's obscure blog that she is (now totally shamelessly) promoting on a slightly less obscure blog. Or something. So without further ado...

1) Shut the f*ck up. Stop effing chatting about your boring life loud enough so others can hear. If you want to do that, go to Adams Morgan. Haven't you heard? It's the new Georgetown.

2) Move your office ass. If you show up to a concert that's meant to double as a dance party, don't just stand there like an asshole drinking beer and getting fat. Move a little. It's good for your health, and by "health," I mean two things: Exercise is good for you, as is me not punching you in the face.

3) Have fun. I know it's a wild, wholly unconventional idea here in the District, but there's nothing wrong with having fun. Or at least pretending to. It doesn't take a genius (trust me on that one as I speak from the experience of being an idiot my whole life, obviously) to understand that a concert is meant to equate to a good time. So, unless you're at a Sheryl Crow show, please to turn that frown upside down, as they say. Oh, and maybe take the goddamn name-tag off, douche.

Week 1 in Obamaland

Let's take a second to welcome a few thousand idealistic young people who are moving into our fair city. And by idealistic, I mean ambitious. We're getting a new brigade of khaki and lanyard kids who think they can change the world. This time it's making the world a better place with less war and more abortions, instead of vice versa.

Anyhow, these new ivy league educated kids are moving into the more 'urban' areas, such as Columbia Heights, U Street, and probably some in Mt. Pleasant and Petworth. This fact has lead various newspapers and magazines (NYT and Nylon, for starters) to fall all over themselves about the "undiscovered D.C." These articles actually read more like a quick glance at Yelp, but whatevs.

In case you were wondering, here are a couple cool places for the greenhorn politicos just arriving in DC.

Marvin
Named after Marvin Gaye, this is an overpriced fusion of southern-style American cuisine and Belgian food. It's the new exclusive place to get waffles and fried chicken. Did I mention it's very exclusive? It's also right by Gibson, one of those "speakeasies" that have been popping up all over area. Sorry, it's not a real "speakeasy" because prohibition ended 75 years ago. And you lose all "cred" if you send people text messages when seats are available.

Cork Wine Bar
This is a good wine bar for people to go to if you don't like wine or money. Because here you will spend a lot of money on wine that isn't very good, and you don't even get very decent pours. There's probably a dozen or so wine bars in DC these days, most of which are a better deal than Cork. I know, I know, wine bars by definition are for yuppies and douches, but I like the idea of being able to purchase a glass of wine that I'd never, ever by a bottle of... I'd be okay spending $9-10 for a glass of wine that costs $40-50 per bottle. I'm not okay spending $9-10 for a glass of wine that costs $11 for a bottle at Whole Foods. Yeah, we're on to you, Cork. BUT NYT loves you, as does Washington Post, because you're so so so very hip. Sparky's was better.

And remember, for every paid Obama Administration staffer that moves here, you've got 5 more unemployed kids coming here hoping to get jobs with Obama. A few weeks in, they realize that's NOT how it works, and then they lament about their poor unemployed existence, while mom and dad pay for them to live in their group house in Columbia Heights.

"But I went to Harvard! When I was growing up I was specifically told I could do whatever I want when I grow up! I want to be Sam Seaborn from THE WEST WING!"

Don't worry, they still have enough available credit on their Visa card to go hang out at Tryst to look for jobs on Craigslist and post missed connections.

Gotta keep that D.C economy humming.

On Metro

Contributors Note: As many of the readers express a distaste for the current editorial direction of the blog, some have noted a decided lack of coverage regarding how-much-all the Metro subway system sucks ass and what about all of the douches. To rectify the oversight, I have composed the following poem, in haiku.

[Throat clearing.]



Metro

It's a fucking train,
late and so very crowded
but I get to work.

A New Sheriff In Town

To the martial banging of a drum, slightly off beat, a cacophony of disjointed chanting quickens my pulse and reminds me of this blog’s eponymous hatred for our city.

Outside on the street, a throng of out-of-towners ambles along and, for a moment, their cause remains unclear. The diverse makeup of the crowd—white and black, old and young, hubristic and humble—makes it nearly impossible to discern their meaning. Were they uniformly Japanese, I might assume they were protesting in favor of a whale hunt. Were they mostly women, I might assume they were advocating equal pay for unequal work.

Yet, as The Washington Post reports online, the group protests today at the headquarters of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency in an effort to discourage the federal government from enforcing its laws, which unfairly deport residents who lack something called “documentation.”

As described by the Post, people in the crowd beat drums, strum guitars and wave “colorful homemade banners exhorting President Obama to halt immigration raids and promote legislation offering illegal immigrants a path to citizenship.”

Also in the crowd, a woman lights incense and shouts in Spanish to the sky, “O Great Spirit, we ask you to get rid of all the badness in this building and bring in the good!"

With enough shouting and drumming and incense, the bad would be exorcised from the building and the government, with a surfeit of stimulus money, would rebuild the factories of our once great documentation industry, producing the papers that would give the people a path to citizenship, all three billion of those who wish to settle in the desert of the American Southwest and along the ancestral lands of the East Coast.

Briefly, I recall my day as a student radical, joining a hundreds-strong crowd to protest—and I’m dating myself here—former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s “Contract with America.” In addition to opposing the 1994 Republican Party initiative, we stand for the panoply of liberal causes, including marijuana reform and universal health care.

We also protest something called “Chiapas,” which I understand to be a renegade province of Columbia ruled by Che Guevara, one of the most brutal Latin American dictators since Pol Pot. Bemused onlookers, I imagine, wonder too about our exhortations to enact prison reform, as we remind them that the “system” incarcerates 30 percent of minorities—for such minor infractions as the trafficking, possession and sale of crack cocaine.

For my part, I wear a shirt commemorating Cesar Chavez, whom I admire for penning the great novel, Love in the Time of Cholera, which sits unread on my nightstand in the original French, waiting for the invention of Rosetta Stone.

Years later, a man asks me in a job interview whether I’m conservative, prompting my reply, “How much do you pay?”

Yet today, I think of my old college buddy, the one smoking a joint and blocking traffic that day, making a fortune now outsourcing jobs to China, and I wonder about capitulation to the new radical left and whether they’ll need a manager here at the document factory.

My "Rolodex," I’ll tell them, is full of social conservatives. I can be useful in helping to round them up.

It's over!

So it's finally over. Inauguration is done, and even a bumbling John Roberts couldn't stop history. Dubya will now forever be referred to as former president Bush. Rolls right off the tongue, if you ask me.

I know, some people out there in readerland are pissed we haven't been updating a lot. We've been having some internal discussion here about how to ensure some more frequent updates. I'm going to bite the bullet and take the lead on updating more, so you'll have to deal with me posting more frequently. M@ and the others will possibly be posting more, as well.

Anyway, that's where we stand. We've got a lot of new things to hate on. We've got a whole ton of self-absorbed "I have the ear of the president" jerks leaving town, being replaced with a whole new group of self-absorbed "I have the ear of the president" jerks. Except most of the new ones are moving to U Street and Columbia Heights instead of Arlington and Alexandria. Wooohoooo.

I'll be changing the quote up top, because Dick Cheney has left the District. In a wheelchair. He'll be living in McLean. So fitting.

So yeah, we've got a lot to cover. It's gonna be fun.

From Bromides To Brotherhood

The sentiment building for months reaches a high-water mark just minutes after noon on a cold and sunny January day as power hops from one man to another, Barrack Obama becoming in the Year of our Lord 2009 the nation’s first non-white president since Calvin Coolidge.

Shortly after George W. Bush's term expires, a self-congratulatory avalanche of well-wishing rains down on the people from all corners of the nation as millions rush to put their platitudes into the digital world, blogging and tweeting, calling and crying—white people being among the worst offenders.

My following on Twitter gushes with praise for the nation and with reflection on this historic moment. From a white man once booted from a military academy on charges of kidnapping and false imprisonment, “I am crying. I thought this moment would never come.”

From another white man, a former rugby player from my Alma mater, “What a difference one day can make!”

My mother, an ardent supporter of the president, calls. She is getting farklempt. Even my father, a 75 year-old veteran who refers unironically to black men as “black dudes,” has something positive to say. “I guess this is good for the blacks.”

“But that’s not the point, Pop,” I say. “It’s about brotherhood and uniting the country!”

“How’s the weather up there?” he says. “It’s like 60 down here in Orlando.”

Shut up to the right (and the left)

Someone forwarded me this little article on tips for visiting tourists this weekend and coming week. And like... okay. Stand to the right -- fine. Don’t say "The Smithsonian" -- I'm still with you. But then, oh, Monica:

Many of us Washingtonians are transplants ourselves. We, too, come from Iowa or North Carolina. We, too, were once excited to learn that D.C. has a Hard Rock Cafe. (We went! We liked it! Once.) We see you in your non-ironic Keds, struggling to find your white paper farecard because you didn't know you would need it to exit the station, and our hearts involuntarily beat, My people! My people!

We want you to do well here. We want you to represent.

And then:

Washington is an imposing place, with a wonky and complex culture that is hard to understand. We worked hard to assimilate, and have only recently adjusted. At chaotic times like this, with administration changes and party changes and an influx of a whole bunch of new guys, we are all a little off-kilter. We all feel a little like tourists.

What?? Jesus! No wonder we're surrounded by epic douchery at all times. Now people are openly admitting that they are putting on some bullshit front of a wonky, complex, hard-to-understand culture that they imposed on themselves when they moved to this craphole of a city?

You have got to be kidding me. Maybe I have limited social experience, but I don't know anyone who was at one point excited about DC's Hard Rock Cafe of all places, and I have never heard of anyone here or elsewhere who actually feels tourists are "their people." And also, Monica, for the love of flat-front pants, people standing to the left is going to be the least of our problems over the next week. I realize the whole stand to the right "rule" is sort of cute and hilarious in a certain light, but when that's the closest thing your city has to quirky, it's not exactly endearing. It's more like "annoying" and "lame." And "disappointing."

Good luck surviving the next few days, everybody.

Ooh La What?

Washington, DC, is a town full of tools. If anyone ever tries to tell you differently, I invite you to simply look around you. Go ahead. Do a 360-degree spin in your office chair. What you're seeing is not cool. Your cubicle is not cool. Your coworkers, save for a couple outliers (if you're lucky), are not cool. Your federal job is also not cool. Which brings me to today's point of concern. Why do serious, major media outlets keep telling me the election of a politician who looks different than other politicians but is still a politician going to make this place cool?

Guess what? He's not. He's only one man. And he's not that cool. Like I said, he's a politician. The last politician that was cool was Franklin Pierce and that was only because of his hair and accompanying drinking problem. Pierce partied hard. Obama is a family man. He wears pleated pants. His wife takes style cues from J.Crew. And he has children. This man is simply not that cool. So why is Agence France Presse, a major French newswire, asking, "Can Obama make Washington the capital of cool?"

No. No he can't.

Like I said, he's not that cool. However, the French press seems to disagree, as evidenced through their penning of an article that seems to be largely based on false hope, myth and probably a good deal of fois gras (so wrong, but so delicious). Take a look:

Soon-to-be US president Barack Obama shoulders the hopes of millions, but there is one important wish his neighbors in Washington are hoping will be granted — to make the capital cool again. ... "Every four years in DC there's a chance to take a deep breath and start over," historian Robert Watson told AFP.

And Obama, who won the 2008 election propelled by a mandate of change, could significantly "invigorate the mood" of the capital, according to Watson, director of American Studies at Florida's Lynn University.

I tried to Google image search this so-called "Robert Watson," but alas, he's not even cool enough to be Googled. If he was, though, I imagine he'd look exactly like your boss. Who's not cool, by the way. But to give you some perspective into the irony of a bunch of historians and reporters throwing the word "cool" around as if it were a government acronym, let's just go ahead and suppose that another Robert Watson -- Sir Robert Watson-Watt, the man who supposedly invented the radar -- is Mr. Robert Watson-historian's doppelganger.

Not cool.

Yeah. That's who's telling us Washington is cool again.

But wait! There's more! A 26-year-old waiter at Mandu in "chic" Dupont Circle (the purported "chicness" of which is a whole other rant) named Rich Homann also thinks Obama will make DC cool. "Obama will reinvigorate not only the country as a whole, but DC in particular," he told AFP, adding his "progressive outlook should serve to attract our country's best, brightest and coolest."

Um, because the people who signed up for Young Democrats in college were infinitely cooler than those in the Young Republicans. Wait, no, they actually all looked like this:

Not cool.

So please, major media outlets, stop spreading these vicious lies. We is what we is. And what we is is definitely not cool. (Did they not notice the khaki?!) And ready your hisses and boos for me, because I'm about to say this: No amount of Obamagic can change the tooltastic town that is DC. Hell, real magic couldn't even change that. Trust me, I've seen people try. I've tried. But no matter how many BlackBerrys I sacrifice to the gods of slimmer fitting pants, nothing seems to work. And so we trudge on...

New Blogger

Hi everyone. Marissa from The Anti DC has, for some reason, deigned to grace us with her presence. Look for her first post later today!

State of Emergency!

ZOMGWTFLOLBBQ Barack Obama was at Marie Reed shooting hoops Sunday afternoon. Totally missed it! Gotta work off those calories from Ben's, I suppose.

So yeah, in case you missed it, a state of emergency has been declared in the District of Columbia, releasing federal funds to assist with the Inauguration. Take that, New Orleans.

This morning, in a rehearsal for next Tuesday's events, the Woodley Park Metro Stop, along with part of Connecticut Ave were shut down because a dude left his SUV double parked and fell asleep. No really. It was an SUV with Florida tags, with the flashers on, double parked on Connecticut. Guess there was also a carpet cleaning van somewhere nearby, and oh noes that's super suspicious! Somehow or another, police become "concerned" for the SUV owner's safety, and then look for him with a helicopter. Supposedly they locate him in a nearby apartment building and officers give him a jump and he legally parks his car, after getting a citation.

Seriously? Really? Well, NBC Washington, if his battery had died and he needed a jump, then HOW WERE HIS FLASHERS ON? HOW WERE HIS FLASHERS ON? EH? EH?

God, I hope no one orders a pizza on Jan 20 anywhere near the restricted zone. Which is, now, pretty much everywhere.

By the way, if you're looking for information about that, forget about checking with DDOT. The District has made a new web site for Inauguration, with Facebook groups and Twitter! But all the damn maps are in PDF format, and the web site is terribly not helpful. Maybe information about how they are going to get 500,000 people here to see Bruce Springsteen and Bono on Sunday night is there, but hell if I could find it. Couldn't find information on road closures for anything other than Jan. 20 or the BET Awards on Jan. 18. But they can TWEET to me about how AWESOME OBAMA AND BIDEN ARE! Oh, and how honored the District of Columbia is to be hosting the inauguration of the 44th President. 'Cause you know, we narrowly edged out Gaithersburg, Md. and Keokuk, Ia. in hosting the event.

So yeah, get ready kids. Oh and when you're out partying on Inauguration Day, remember to watch out for the gang wars that are going on in your newly gentrified neighborhoods. Yet another shooting on Monday night at 14th and Fairmont, where a group of masked gunmen open fire at a rec center. But of course that's on the bad side of 14th and more than 1 block away from the Target (its 2) so you probably didn't even hear about the shooting.

Oh, and don't let Nancy Pelosi rickroll you. Really? That's what you pay your staff to do? God, if you've got that much money to blow on useless payroll, I've got a few full-of-themselves college graduate acquaintances who want to work for the progressive majority!

Ten Laws Of D.C.

Enumerated below are some de facto regulations I suggest the District codifies into actual city law:

1. On escalators: Stand to the right, be a snarky pissant-bitch to the left.

2. On Metro trains and busses, preferred seating for the disabled and elderly does not apply to young white men with sports injuries. (Those seats are reserved for Asian women getting off at the next stop.)

3. In public restrooms, maintain always a "narrow stance."

4. Do not interrupt an African American as he or she is orating. A question and answer period will follow.

5. In Mount Pleasant, as in Latin America, the term "gringo" is a pejorative. (This means you, Dos Gringos.)

6. In Georgetown, popped collars are still in style.

7. At a four-way traffic stop, the motorist with the most expensive vehicle has the right of way.

8. In Asian massage parlors, gratuities are appreciated.

9. Even the president-elect must eat once at Ben's Chili Bowl.

10. Motorists win "10 points" for every pedestrian injury or kill, "50 points" if hit within a marked crosswalk. (Points are redeemable for gift certificates to Ben's Chili Bowl.)

Half Way to Heaven

I saw next weekend last night. Call it a vision, call it a gift.

I went to Adams-Morgan. Yes, I am aware of the folly in play here. It was as predicted (and the prediction was dire). But getting home, back to the sweet bosom of my neighborhood of teenaged-hoods and slightly older staffers, required the patience of Job. Which I lack.

First, the 2:21am #96 Bus just never showed up. There were a couple other buses that rolled by, but I kept thinking "But the #96 goes right by my house... it's insane to take this other bus that requires me to walk eight blocks...". Then, this dude at the bus stop, who initially seemed alright, started talking about these chicks that were totally going to bang him and how his friends are totally cool and how he lives with his parents (!) on Capitol Hill and blah blah foolishness blah boobs blah vagina blah straight-guy-bullshit blah. I know that the gays can be a hyperactive stereotype of themselves, but oh my god drunk straight boy: Jesus Wept. No one cares. When I regained consciousness, I had apparently decided to walk from Ad-Mo Hell to U-Street Purgatory.

Long story short, after multiple other late night DC drunken interactions in route to the Metro, I arrived at my station at 3:30am. I was on the last train, and was the only passenger to exit the station. The station attendant followed me off the platform, her boots clicking against the floor. The steel gates had already been pulled shut, except a gap that I could squeeze through. I got onto the escalator and heard her behind me, rattling the gates and getting ready to shut the station. I was staring up at the glowing M on the pylon that had just popped into view at the top of the escalator when the machinery abruptly whirred to a stop, leaving me twenty feet from the top of the tunnel, almost to the surface. I've never been on an escalator that was turned off while I was riding it. Honestly, it feels like the earth stops. By the time that I turned around, the gates were already chained and the station attendant had already disappeared back into her lair to paint her nails and complain about white boys who won't walk to the top of the escalator so they can turn the damn things off.

Yes, DC, I think you are ready to host the nation for the Inauguration. That's where you will leave us: on a silent escalator, staring at a glowing M in the middle of the night, and it will be considered a success.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye

Well everyone, I’m Lizzing out on you. I’m quitting Why I Hate DC. I’m done with all of you. DONE!

Kidding… It’s me, not you. I would very much like to continue blogging here (this is the funnest blog to blog for IMO), but it’s just not going to work out. I’m making a bit of a career move. That, plus the puppy, and moving, it’s just a lot right now. I also suffer from a crippling commitment phobia.

I could stay on as a contributor, but that would just mean I’d post less and less. That’s kinda cheap and unfair to you, my loyal subjects. Moreover, it’s not what Jesus Rusty would do. We’ve made some good progress hating DC post-Liz, and I’m very satisfied with the monkeys I’m leaving behind to entertain you (you ungrateful fucks.)

I made some friends during my time at Why I Hate DC, and alienated a shitload of people. For some reason that’s a reoccurring theme in my life. I’d like to address some of you now. Think of this as the shout out section on an album cover or a drunken Academy Awards speech...

Sommer my love, my flame, the past few weeks have been incredible. That thing you do with your tongue, shoo. You’ll always have a place in my heart. To all the blogs who post raging hardons about how totally awesome DC is, pull your heads out of your ass every once in a while. This shit is WRONG. Bicyclists, oh my dear bicyclists who bike to work every morning, if you ever see a guy flipping you off for no apparent reason, that’s me. Metro, there are not enough curse words in all the world’s languages. And last but not least, Maryland Drivers… FUCK YOU! STAY IN YOUR GODDAMN LANE!

I hope that makes some of you hate me even more. If it’s not working, then I’m not doing my job. Wink, smiley face. You know you love it.

Thank you, thank you all. I hear the music playing me off now. Again, thank you.

Wesley Crusher, OUT!

Countdown to Barackalypse

Yes, we're going to keep bitching about this on here. Also we're going to completely ignore the fact that most of us likely voted for Obama, probably volunteered for his campaign, and possibly even worked for him. And we all celebrated on election night, etc, etc.

Today I'm going to talk about the god-awful quality of the local news outlets. First off, they have horrible web sites. NBC4 recently "upgraded" their web site, and managed to make it even worse than their previous one. However now the tagline is "Locals Only." For a site that's aimed at locals, they do a piss poor job of putting any local news on there. WTOP is by far the worst, with broken web design, horribly written articles, and a group of commenters even crazier than this site. WJLA might be the best, but don't try going there if your office forces you to use Internet Explorer, it will freeze your browser for 30-60 seconds every time you load a page.

Anyhow, all of that aside, they are running the most pointless inauguration articles, esepcially this gem about terrorists. This article also appeared on WJLA, and probably WTOP as well. It's based on some AP piece about how "[t]he Jan. 20 inauguration is an attractive target for international and domestic terrorist groups."

No shit, really?

Hell, the inauguration itself is going to break the city more than bombs going off during rush hour. Terrorists attacking while this shitshow is in progress? And the bridges are closed? I don't even want to start to think about the logistics of that nightmare.

"An intelligence assessment obtained by The Associated Press said the high visibility of the event, the presence of dignitaries and the significance of swearing in the country's first black president make the inauguration vulnerable to attacks."

Yes, pretty much anyone in the world who has a problem with 1) the U.S. Government, 2) Black People, and 3) Liberals will be aiming to disrupt this event.

I'm glad that the Government figured this out ahead of time, and I'm glad that the AP was able to obtain this report, so all of us could learn that someone might have a problem with Barack Obama being inaugurated as President of the United States.

Oh yeah, and also Bruce Springsteen is rumored to perform for free on the Mall on Jan 18, making for a nice nougaty clusterfuck.

They Hate Us For Our Freedom

This morning the the Washington Examiner reported that the city council might consider legislation to make the "Taxation Without Representation" license plates mandatory on all DC registered vehicles.

Via DCist:

"The measure, offered by Ward 1 Councilman Jim Graham and co-sponsored by seven of his colleagues, would require all plates issued by the Department of Motor Vehicles to bear the city’s rallying cry for congressional voting rights. The only exemptions would be for organizational and vintage plates."

Jim, I love you but sometimes you piss me off. Let me get this straight. One day you were looking around DC, and despite all the shit that's wrong with this city (check out the last 6 years of posts on this blog if you're having trouble thinking of some some examples), you zoned in on the other set of plates that display the DC website, http://www.dc.gov/, instead of "Taxation Without Representation" and thought, "Traitors! Traitors to the Cause! This cannot stand!"

I personally haven't settled my mind on whether DC should be granted full voting rights in the House of Representatives (and I'm sure some of you are dying to argue with me about that and I welcome that, I really do). I tend to think they (we) shouldn't, but I'm no longer completely sold on the argument that "it's because the Constitution says so." At one time, citizens in the District were prohibited from voting in Presidential elections. That was changed in 1961 by the Twenty-Third Amendment.

On the other hand, if you bend the rules for DC, you have to bend it for Guam, the Virgin (giggidy) Islands, and American Samoa to name a few. I don't want Guam hanging around. Guam smells.

Then there's the extremist view that DC should be granted full statehood and two Senate seats. To me, that's kinda out there.

DC has survived hundreds of years with out a vote in Congress. It already receives earmarks and a shit load of subsidies for Metro. Hell, it even has its very own appropriations bill in Congress.

We've got this DC Voting Rights Act that's been reintroduced in the 111th Congress. I realize that getting that beast enacted has been as hard as Bob Dole's Viagra induced erections. But Jimbo, things are different now. Why don't we wait to see if fantasy Congresswoman Eleanore Holmes Norton is allowed to sit at the cool kids table before we start ramping up the rhetoric.

And if we're going to start dictating what government propaganda should be displayed on license plates, I'd like to see some options like, "Don't Drink the Tap Water," or "The Bitch Set Me Up," or "This Car is Probably Stolen," or "Gentrification! It's a (Race) Riot!"

You see where this is going, Jimbo? Where does it end if the Voting Rights bill is passed? What will be our collective's next social cause, oh great and wise leader? I'm asking because I need the government to tell me what to think.

It Has Begun

As you know, Obama-rama is around the corner and construction of the Death Star Inauguration preparations are nearly complete. And as fate would have it, it's already started fucking with my daily life (and probably yours too in some way).

I saw the first signs of the Inaugurclusterfuck yesterday when I woke up and drove to the gym like I do most every day. I go to Gold's Gym at Federal Center SW (stay away, stalkers). It's a decent gym for the price, but the only available parking is metered parking since its in a business district and a few blocks from the capitol. Usually it's not a problem, and I'm fine with shelling out some change to park.

But of course, the ass-clowns in DC government-- who have already proven themselves incapable of managing anything to do with the Inauguration-- have plastered all the meters with NO PARKING signs. Now I can understand doing that for the week of the Inauguration, but you see, according to the signs, these restrictions went into effect January 4th and last until January 29-- that's nine days AFTER the Inauguration.

I've always wondered whether the city or the Inauguration Committee ever once considered the lives of the residents living in DC when they started planning this. Now I know for sure. They don't give a fuck. Surprise, surprise.

I realize this is small potatoes, and I'm sure I'll survive not being in the gym for a few weekdays (or perhaps I'll just walk to it which I'd rather not do in the cold rain). But come on... I'm just not into this as much as the 4 million people supposedly gathering on the mall. I'm just not.

What's even lamer than restricting parking weeks in advance is the closing of all the bridges. I'm sure you've heard about that. I'm so fucking pissed about that that I'm not going to even bother posting a link to the Washington Post story. I don't go into NoVA all that often, but I empthasize with anyone who commutes through traffic over Lake Toxic.

Oh, and in another unprecedented display of municipal retardation, the Washington Post reported the other day that "Metro plans to ban public automobile parking at four Metrorail stations on Inauguration Day to accommodate employees and charter buses. " They've been encouraging people to Metro yet they'll be closing certain station parking lots? WTF. Maybe I'm missing something here? Someone please help me understand. Please. Please. Please.

Please.

This is just going to get worse and worse. As if DC residents didn't have enough to deal with outside of motorcades, diplomats, Maryland drivers, and old/confused cab drivers on their blue tooth's (blue teeth?).

Gawd.

Last Week's Hate

“Page Six” of The New York Post late last month reported that media mogul Oprah Winfrey planned to move to our nation’s capital to join her new pal in the White House--and I nearly shit myself with anticipation.

Not since the triumvirate of Dick Cheney, the “do-nothing” 110th Congress and that overrated purveyor of East Coast chili on U Street would the District of Columbia give me such reason to hate. Alas, the rumor proved untrue as the “mainstream media” found only one $50 million structure in Georgetown large enough to house the diva—and that no deal had been worked.

Thus, for the coming weeks and months of my tenure in Washington, D.C., I shall focus my enmity on random and obscure targets, each and every one of you.

City Lights: Beacons of Despair

Much like my esteemed colleague Dave, I too enjoyed returning to DC as much as one would enjoy swallowing a cup of rusty thumbtacks.

You know, when you're driving back into town at night after being away for a week, the first thing you notice is the stars. Specifically, the stars fading away one by one as the city lights blend them out of the skyline. For me, that's pretty sucky and also a bit depressing, but what can you do.

Then, unfortunately, the first real indication that you're back in town is that gaudy Air Force Memorial (yes, you heard me, GAUDY. Somebody had to say it). Seeing that thing from the freeway isn't depressing, but it fails to cause me to reflect on our airmen and their sacrifices. Plus, it was technically erected during a time of war which I think is a little weird anyway. When I drive past it, all I can do is stare and say to myself, "what the fuck." With the exception of the beautifully done Vietnam Wall Memorial, the military shouldn't be allowed to rely on modern art sculptures or post modern or whatever it is (both of which I do really enjoy in the museums instead of the freeway). But as a general rule, if the military won't allow gays to serve openly, they're not allowed to use pomo.

Juxtapose "spike" against Crystal City (which I affectionately call Military-Industrial Complex City), and you realize how much a small group of silly people in our nation's capital can really fuck things up for everyone else despite their best intentions. That's Washington's REAL power, and for some, its attraction.

Anyway, I'm home now, and I suppose it's all rusty thumbtacks from here on out.