Shut up to the right (and the left)

Someone forwarded me this little article on tips for visiting tourists this weekend and coming week. And like... okay. Stand to the right -- fine. Don’t say "The Smithsonian" -- I'm still with you. But then, oh, Monica:

Many of us Washingtonians are transplants ourselves. We, too, come from Iowa or North Carolina. We, too, were once excited to learn that D.C. has a Hard Rock Cafe. (We went! We liked it! Once.) We see you in your non-ironic Keds, struggling to find your white paper farecard because you didn't know you would need it to exit the station, and our hearts involuntarily beat, My people! My people!

We want you to do well here. We want you to represent.

And then:

Washington is an imposing place, with a wonky and complex culture that is hard to understand. We worked hard to assimilate, and have only recently adjusted. At chaotic times like this, with administration changes and party changes and an influx of a whole bunch of new guys, we are all a little off-kilter. We all feel a little like tourists.

What?? Jesus! No wonder we're surrounded by epic douchery at all times. Now people are openly admitting that they are putting on some bullshit front of a wonky, complex, hard-to-understand culture that they imposed on themselves when they moved to this craphole of a city?

You have got to be kidding me. Maybe I have limited social experience, but I don't know anyone who was at one point excited about DC's Hard Rock Cafe of all places, and I have never heard of anyone here or elsewhere who actually feels tourists are "their people." And also, Monica, for the love of flat-front pants, people standing to the left is going to be the least of our problems over the next week. I realize the whole stand to the right "rule" is sort of cute and hilarious in a certain light, but when that's the closest thing your city has to quirky, it's not exactly endearing. It's more like "annoying" and "lame." And "disappointing."

Good luck surviving the next few days, everybody.


  1. i hope they do all stand on the right. when the escalators are all turned off.

  2. Did anyone else see that photo of Henry Waxman on Drudge earlier today and yesterday?


    I called his office today hoping to reach someone who could tell me if in fact Rep. Waxman was that fugly in person. Sadly, I was sent to voicemail where I did not leave a message.

  3. There's a Hard Rock here?

  4. When a colleague forwarded that WashPost article to me this afternoon, my immediate thought was that they were stealing from us but doing a much poorer job.

    I mean, the article was totally queer.

    I am a transplant and I plan to move to yet another region of the country and I will ALWAYS be a transplant. I'm good w/ it. I don't want to adapt to this shitty culture.

    The Washington Post's opinion and culture segments is consistent in that it's a piece of shit. Just because you have a degree from Berkeley and you're a liberal doesn't mean you don't have piece of shit thoughts and then pass them on to scores of thousands of readers.

    Thank you for carping on this.

  5. i'm a regular reader of this site.

    i just found my car window bashed in tonight.

    the stole nothing, with exception to my remaining appreciation for this godless city...and they also took a bit of my hope for mankind.

    holy shit! who bashes in the window of a car without power windows and no cruise control. washingtonians...that's who.

  6. i know i just posted...but i hate it this fucking much right now. jesus christ why would someone break into a car not worth shit just to find out that the altoids tin visible really was the only thing in the car...then not even steal the altoids tin? please take the fucking altoids tin...put me out of my misery.

  7. Ben: Ugh. That happened to me a few months ago and it was a bitch. Did you call the police? Your insurance will need the police report # to cover your repairs (check with the insurance company to be sure). Be sure you get it; the amateurs who broke my car window and ripped out the center console caused almost $2000 of damage to my car and I would have been screwed without my insurance coverage.

    Sorry that happened to you. :(

  8. Why do so many people feel obligated to go stand around in the freezing cold to watch something they can see at home on the TV?

    To say "I was there"?

    Yea, well Ill be there too. And by there I mean here. Where it is warm. Watching the TV. With beer. And a toilet that is NOT disgusting and overflowing with the waste products of thousands of people.

    And Ill soak in just as much "history" as everyone else.

  9. The good news is that in a week or so, all these douche bags who are visiting will have returned to their homes in North Carolina, Nebraska and whatever shitbag state they have come from.

  10. Re: everyone:

    Yet another example of epic Washingtonian/NoVA douchery: I'm carrying a relatively heavy package into the Vienna/Fairfax-GMU station and it's wide enough that I have to take the handicapped turnstile to get in. There are, as usual, people hanging out talking to the station manager on the other side. I say, politely, "Excuse me, please." They moved like, a fucking inch. So I say again, "EXCUSE ME." And got a weird, mean, offended look from a couple of them.

    Yeah, well, fuck them.

  11. Yeah, but the tourists will all be back in like, 4-5 months.

    Get excited.

  12. And since the start of tourist season coincides with the start of humid-swamp time (also known as spring/summer/fall), it's particularly delightful. But since tourists rarely get as far north as Dupont, at least one evil can be avoided.

  13. "We all feel a little like tourists."

    And by "we," I mean "no-talent hacks employed by a shit newspaper."

  14. There's a blurb on cnn saying DC is the "it" place to be right above a picture of a countersniper. I can't believe WIHDC is not doing more hating today of all days.

  15. PS: The standing to the right thing is hardly a "quirk" of Washington, DC. In London, they even have signs on the Underground instructing you to do so. In NY, disobeying the rule can cause shouting matches, if not fisticuffs.

    But I'm still mainly disappointed that FIVE of you can't manage to post something in the FOUR days leading up to and including the Inauguration. Looks like you just kinda mildly dislike DC.

  16. Kenneth MooreJanuary 20, 2009

    Heh... I am happy I live in Mount Pleasant. I don't think anyone got that far north. I went downtown today around 2pm to take pictures of the milling tourists leaving the Inauguration.

    I thought it would be mildly ironic to take pictures of the tourists as they took pictures of DC. They were all complaining about the cold and how far they had to walk because the buses weren't running like normal, roads and metro stations were jammed, and all that other shit. I'm sitting in a cafe in Adams Morgan and people are *still* trickling north from downtown.

    I would have wished for more Inaugural coverage from Why.I.Hate.DC as well, but truly, if they're anything like me, they had their heads in the sand to escape the madness. I like a big party as much as anyone else, but I just didn't want to have to deal with all the extra shitbags in town this weekend. I'm all for character-building experiences, but sometimes, it's just not worth it.

  17. Cheif Justice John RobertsJanuary 21, 2009

    Hello, Roberts John I Justice am of the Supreme Court Chief.

  18. This blog just doesn't try very hard. It's easy to whine, but it's pretty hard to be creative or constructive about it. Typical.

  19. Elizabeth, I was about to say the same thing. I guess people are running out of new things which warratn a good rant. I'm not saying there is not nothing to be pissed about around here just that I know you can do better than things like the escalator issue.