Enumerated below are some de facto regulations I suggest the District codifies into actual city law:
1. On escalators: Stand to the right, be a snarky pissant-bitch to the left.
2. On Metro trains and busses, preferred seating for the disabled and elderly does not apply to young white men with sports injuries. (Those seats are reserved for Asian women getting off at the next stop.)
3. In public restrooms, maintain always a "narrow stance."
4. Do not interrupt an African American as he or she is orating. A question and answer period will follow.
5. In Mount Pleasant, as in Latin America, the term "gringo" is a pejorative. (This means you, Dos Gringos.)
6. In Georgetown, popped collars are still in style.
7. At a four-way traffic stop, the motorist with the most expensive vehicle has the right of way.
8. In Asian massage parlors, gratuities are appreciated.
9. Even the president-elect must eat once at Ben's Chili Bowl.
10. Motorists win "10 points" for every pedestrian injury or kill, "50 points" if hit within a marked crosswalk. (Points are redeemable for gift certificates to Ben's Chili Bowl.)