1.12.2009

Ten Laws Of D.C.

Enumerated below are some de facto regulations I suggest the District codifies into actual city law:

1. On escalators: Stand to the right, be a snarky pissant-bitch to the left.

2. On Metro trains and busses, preferred seating for the disabled and elderly does not apply to young white men with sports injuries. (Those seats are reserved for Asian women getting off at the next stop.)

3. In public restrooms, maintain always a "narrow stance."

4. Do not interrupt an African American as he or she is orating. A question and answer period will follow.

5. In Mount Pleasant, as in Latin America, the term "gringo" is a pejorative. (This means you, Dos Gringos.)

6. In Georgetown, popped collars are still in style.

7. At a four-way traffic stop, the motorist with the most expensive vehicle has the right of way.

8. In Asian massage parlors, gratuities are appreciated.

9. Even the president-elect must eat once at Ben's Chili Bowl.

10. Motorists win "10 points" for every pedestrian injury or kill, "50 points" if hit within a marked crosswalk. (Points are redeemable for gift certificates to Ben's Chili Bowl.)

13 comments:

  1. Weak, yet uninteresting.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Yep, I'm definitelty done around here.

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  4. Well, I'd like to apologize to the Gentle Reader for being a bit lax in my hating lately but I've just been enjoying the city a bit too much for that.

    Saw the Civil Rights photography exhibit recently at the Smithsonian, visited a great club on U Street and, for some reason, people of all races, colors and creeds are treating me w/ dignity and respect. What the fuck? This ain't the city I know and hate.

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  5. Devoted ReaderJanuary 12, 2009

    "being a bit lax in my hating lately but I've just been enjoying the city a bit too much for that."

    Is this the last hurrah before checking out? Or will your recent experiences cause you to rethink the decision to leave?

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  6. 1) As a DC resident, you must never travel to Virginia or Maryland, except to catch a flight.

    2) You shall not root for any area teams, unless the team is on a win streak which may propel them to a championship, in which case you have been a fan all of your life.

    3) If as a DC resident you work 'On the Hill' you are required to view those that do not work 'On the Hill' with bemused disdain.

    4) If as a DC resident you do not work 'On the Hill' you are required to view those that are 'On the Hill' with bemused disdain.

    5) There has been, and only will be, one mayor of DC. His Holiness Marion Barry.

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  7. Since today's post appears to be a all butterfly kisses and shit, I'll vent my hate from the weekend.

    Why the hell did the DC police decide to shut down the entire fucking city to practice their inauguration day disaster? What possible use is this?

    I think we can all pretty much assume that closing the city down and allowing absolutely nobody to enter the restricted area, will be absofuckinglutely nothing like closing the city down when 2 million people are trying to catch a glimpse of Barack Obama's pecs.

    No, instead, it just made life a tremendous pain in the ass on a day when we were NOT actually expecting life to be a pain in the ass. Compared to next week, when I will have plenty of beer, steak and propane. Thanks for wasting an hour of my day as I unsuccessfully tried to get to Virginia.

    Oh wait. You prevented me from getting to Virginia. I suppose I should be thanking you. I guess, in the end, this is another DC love note.

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  8. You left one out:

    11. Ripping on Liz is not to be tolerated by individuals named "M@" who are not in any way improving upon her body of work.

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  9. You clearly drive differently than me. I figure the LEAST expensive car (usually me) has the right of way, because no one is going to challenge me for it and risk their car.

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  10. Is this the last hurrah before checking out? Or will your recent experiences cause you to rethink the decision to leave?

    --I dunno. I've been saying goodbye longer than sack of shit, George Bush. :) I'm looking into it....

    **

    11. Ripping on Liz is not to be tolerated by individuals named "M@" who are not in any way improving upon her body of work.

    --Liz is a nice lady and I should not have said that she was bad in bed. My statement could be considered libelous. She was awesome in bed. I apologize to all I offended.

    **

    Jamie--That's some good hatin'. That was quite a cluster fuck.... I agree w/ you. Why not just wing it? :)

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  11. "Saw the Civil Rights photography exhibit recently at the Smithsonian, visited a great club on U Street and, for some reason, people of all races, colors and creeds are treating me w/ dignity and respect."

    Wow. You enjoyed all that, and none of it was in Virginia.

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  12. About #10: A friend of mine was a pedestrian who was killed in D.C.

    Maybe you could re-write that one. You know, something cheeky and, perhaps, funny.

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  13. What does #4 mean? I'm not asking because I think it is racist just trying to figure out what in the world you are talking about? I assume you mean a black stranger on the train in which case why are you interrupting them if you're not asking a question which would be the start of a question and answer period?

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