Guess what? He's not. He's only one man. And he's not that cool. Like I said, he's a politician. The last politician that was cool was Franklin Pierce and that was only because of his hair and accompanying drinking problem. Pierce partied hard. Obama is a family man. He wears pleated pants. His wife takes style cues from J.Crew. And he has children. This man is simply not that cool. So why is Agence France Presse, a major French newswire, asking, "Can Obama make Washington the capital of cool?"
No. No he can't.
Like I said, he's not that cool. However, the French press seems to disagree, as evidenced through their penning of an article that seems to be largely based on false hope, myth and probably a good deal of fois gras (so wrong, but so delicious). Take a look:
Soon-to-be US president Barack Obama shoulders the hopes of millions, but there is one important wish his neighbors in Washington are hoping will be granted — to make the capital cool again. ... "Every four years in DC there's a chance to take a deep breath and start over," historian Robert Watson told AFP.
And Obama, who won the 2008 election propelled by a mandate of change, could significantly "invigorate the mood" of the capital, according to Watson, director of American Studies at Florida's Lynn University.
I tried to Google image search this so-called "Robert Watson," but alas, he's not even cool enough to be Googled. If he was, though, I imagine he'd look exactly like your boss. Who's not cool, by the way. But to give you some perspective into the irony of a bunch of historians and reporters throwing the word "cool" around as if it were a government acronym, let's just go ahead and suppose that another Robert Watson -- Sir Robert Watson-Watt, the man who supposedly invented the radar -- is Mr. Robert Watson-historian's doppelganger.
Yeah. That's who's telling us Washington is cool again.
But wait! There's more! A 26-year-old waiter at Mandu in "chic" Dupont Circle (the purported "chicness" of which is a whole other rant) named Rich Homann also thinks Obama will make DC cool. "Obama will reinvigorate not only the country as a whole, but DC in particular," he told AFP, adding his "progressive outlook should serve to attract our country's best, brightest and coolest."
Um, because the people who signed up for Young Democrats in college were infinitely cooler than those in the Young Republicans. Wait, no, they actually all looked like this:
So please, major media outlets, stop spreading these vicious lies. We is what we is. And what we is is definitely not cool. (Did they not notice the khaki?!) And ready your hisses and boos for me, because I'm about to say this: No amount of Obamagic can change the tooltastic town that is DC. Hell, real magic couldn't even change that. Trust me, I've seen people try. I've tried. But no matter how many BlackBerrys I sacrifice to the gods of slimmer fitting pants, nothing seems to work. And so we trudge on...