So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye

Well everyone, I’m Lizzing out on you. I’m quitting Why I Hate DC. I’m done with all of you. DONE!

Kidding… It’s me, not you. I would very much like to continue blogging here (this is the funnest blog to blog for IMO), but it’s just not going to work out. I’m making a bit of a career move. That, plus the puppy, and moving, it’s just a lot right now. I also suffer from a crippling commitment phobia.

I could stay on as a contributor, but that would just mean I’d post less and less. That’s kinda cheap and unfair to you, my loyal subjects. Moreover, it’s not what Jesus Rusty would do. We’ve made some good progress hating DC post-Liz, and I’m very satisfied with the monkeys I’m leaving behind to entertain you (you ungrateful fucks.)

I made some friends during my time at Why I Hate DC, and alienated a shitload of people. For some reason that’s a reoccurring theme in my life. I’d like to address some of you now. Think of this as the shout out section on an album cover or a drunken Academy Awards speech...

Sommer my love, my flame, the past few weeks have been incredible. That thing you do with your tongue, shoo. You’ll always have a place in my heart. To all the blogs who post raging hardons about how totally awesome DC is, pull your heads out of your ass every once in a while. This shit is WRONG. Bicyclists, oh my dear bicyclists who bike to work every morning, if you ever see a guy flipping you off for no apparent reason, that’s me. Metro, there are not enough curse words in all the world’s languages. And last but not least, Maryland Drivers… FUCK YOU! STAY IN YOUR GODDAMN LANE!

I hope that makes some of you hate me even more. If it’s not working, then I’m not doing my job. Wink, smiley face. You know you love it.

Thank you, thank you all. I hear the music playing me off now. Again, thank you.

Wesley Crusher, OUT!


  1. Well, I won't be Lizzing out until I actually move somewhere, King! (This year, I promise.)

    I'll run down a cyclist for you when I can... but only if he's wearing MATCHING top and bottom spandex. And only if he's wearing the yellow jersey.

  2. Bring back Liz!

  3. Its lycra, not spandex you morons.

    Don't underestimate the power of 200 lbs of lean muscle mass driven by a heart that can propel that mass at 22MPH for several hours at a time.

    Of course the cars you drive are FAR superior to those humans on bikes! So aim your vehicle to kill. Otherwise, you might get fucked up.

  4. What? No konichiwa this time?

  5. Please don't leave, King. You're the best. In your capable hands, the hating feels so good.

  6. Don't underestimate the power of 200 lbs of lean muscle mass driven by a heart that can propel that mass at 22MPH for several hours at a time.



    I know. You conform to the norms of your culture, which is why you speak "QUEER".

  8. Matt = 5'7" of bridge-crossing (literally and figuratively) "manliness".

    The translucence of your skin must certainly be attractive to someone in the area, no?

  9. :-( The German was misspelled... You got the diphthong backwards. :-D

  10. this is heartbreaking!
    are you actually leaving DC?
    don't you work for congress?
    did they open another branch of congress somewhere else?

  11. That was certainly not a homophobic comment. But I just want to make it clear that any man wearing a yellow jersey should be shot dead.


  13. King,

    Liz just emailed me. She said to call you a "douche," and that you are "what's wrong with DC."

    Then she let fly with a 12,000 word rant about a bad experience at the Ann Taylor Loft in Gaithersburg.

  14. What would be the proper DC send off for a King?
    A Go-Go recessional and a lei of halfsmokes?
    A Big Bad Voodoo Daddy recessional and a train of 200 virgin interns?

  15. Here is a Mattie-boi classic.... he eats at McDonald's in Adams Morgan and uses the word "douchebag"! HAH! A typical translucent wanna-be.

    "Sometimes, the fathers are sad, too. As I stood in line once at the McDonald's in Adams Morgan, I heard one of the sweetest sounds in life: a baby babbling happily to himself.

    The father turns to him. "Hey, shut up," he says.


    This post was better but you're still a douchebag."

  16. "Well, I won't be Lizzing out until I actually move somewhere, King! (This year, I promise.)"

    Dear God, please don't let that dumb cunt move away until I find it in person and FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.


    Then the world will have a shit-free dumb cunt drooling on itself for eternity. My gift to humanity.

  17. I dont think anyone would have noticed if you had just quit and left quietly.

  18. Oh jesus christ. So you are going to leave the monkeys here alone, with the typewriter? You know this is a mistake and that things will turn ugly and terrible and your name will be taken in vain.

    Going to miss you HRH. Who will curse the trolley? WHO?

  19. Oh Scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all.