It Has Begun

As you know, Obama-rama is around the corner and construction of the Death Star Inauguration preparations are nearly complete. And as fate would have it, it's already started fucking with my daily life (and probably yours too in some way).

I saw the first signs of the Inaugurclusterfuck yesterday when I woke up and drove to the gym like I do most every day. I go to Gold's Gym at Federal Center SW (stay away, stalkers). It's a decent gym for the price, but the only available parking is metered parking since its in a business district and a few blocks from the capitol. Usually it's not a problem, and I'm fine with shelling out some change to park.

But of course, the ass-clowns in DC government-- who have already proven themselves incapable of managing anything to do with the Inauguration-- have plastered all the meters with NO PARKING signs. Now I can understand doing that for the week of the Inauguration, but you see, according to the signs, these restrictions went into effect January 4th and last until January 29-- that's nine days AFTER the Inauguration.

I've always wondered whether the city or the Inauguration Committee ever once considered the lives of the residents living in DC when they started planning this. Now I know for sure. They don't give a fuck. Surprise, surprise.

I realize this is small potatoes, and I'm sure I'll survive not being in the gym for a few weekdays (or perhaps I'll just walk to it which I'd rather not do in the cold rain). But come on... I'm just not into this as much as the 4 million people supposedly gathering on the mall. I'm just not.

What's even lamer than restricting parking weeks in advance is the closing of all the bridges. I'm sure you've heard about that. I'm so fucking pissed about that that I'm not going to even bother posting a link to the Washington Post story. I don't go into NoVA all that often, but I empthasize with anyone who commutes through traffic over Lake Toxic.

Oh, and in another unprecedented display of municipal retardation, the Washington Post reported the other day that "Metro plans to ban public automobile parking at four Metrorail stations on Inauguration Day to accommodate employees and charter buses. " They've been encouraging people to Metro yet they'll be closing certain station parking lots? WTF. Maybe I'm missing something here? Someone please help me understand. Please. Please. Please.


This is just going to get worse and worse. As if DC residents didn't have enough to deal with outside of motorcades, diplomats, Maryland drivers, and old/confused cab drivers on their blue tooth's (blue teeth?).



  1. Friday, i just cant let a couple things in your rant here go.

    1: the Potomac is hardly lake toxic. wake the fuck up, there is no industry on the river. the Rouge River in Detroit and the Cuyahoga in Cleveland or even the Anacostia right here at home. also, it is a river, not a lake.

    2: Metro announced yesterday that they are only closing one lot for employees and buses. bus demand evidently wasnt what they were expecting.

    3: you drive to the gym when you could walk. i bet you take the elevator rather than the stairs as well.

    4: closing all those bridges seems like a crazy move, but they would all be gridlock anyway as a bunch of streets will be closed anyway and theres no where for all those people to park. the would be closed de-facto anyway. at least this way buses should be able to move.

    the meter thing is rather stupid as and irritating as a resident. but its also rather annoying that Obama has shut down a bunch of streets downtown to. but that all comes with the territory. literally.

  2. Dano,
    Just to reply to your comment on the Potomac River, yes it isn't as bad as other rivers and it used to be much worse. However, it isn't a clean river. If it wasn't toxic, than why have male bass fish become hermaphodites?

  3. As a kayaking enthusiast, I can tell you that the Potomac River is nothing you want to bottle and sell abroad as the "Essence of America."

    Or maybe we do. :)

    The Post had a good feature today on the many residents leaving town for the four-day weekend. And there are some good deals on airfares on account of other people being out of work.

  4. Btw, rape is a heinous and terrible affront to human dignity, I think we can all agree.

    If you feel that you are being raped, please call the D.C. Rape Crisis center at 202.333.RAPE or visit http://www.dcrcc.org/.

    Thank you.

  5. Who lives in DC and needs a car? Who would drive three blocks? Who would drive to a gym two minutes' walk away? Do you take the elevator to get to your Stairmaster workout? Look - I'm a fan of your posts and you've alienated a gentle reader like moi! The District would be a lot less hate-able without tens of thousands of needless car drivers, half of whom keep their vehicles registered in red(neck) states. Could this be a chance for folks to imagine life without pollution, noise, obesity and oil wars?

  6. Judging by the number of license plates I see, a ton of DC residents own and drive cars. In case you haven't noticed, and clearly you haven't, only like 15% of DC is Metro accessible. The problem with cars and traffic is not because DC residents have cars, but because of all the suburban drivers coming into the city (especially the ones from Maryland). Ever wonder why traffic is so much worse on weekdays than on the weekend?

    And, shocking as it may be, many things exist in the suburbs that do not exist in DC: convenient shopping locations and shopping variety, ethnic restaurants, private businesses, assholes. Ok, some of those things exist in DC too, but the suburbs have a lot more of them. I live in Foggy Bottom and if I want to buy something from Target I can: a) order it online, b) take the 45+ minute Metro trip to Columbia Heights, or c) drive 15-20 minutes to one of the three Arlington locations.

    I guarantee that you will not be able to imagine a world without obesity during inauguration. Have you seen the tourists that come to this city? Plus Oprah will be here and she is apparently off of the wagon, again.

    And dano, the government recommends that a person eat no more than ONE fish caught in the Potomac per YEAR. That qualifies as toxic.

  7. I love the hate. LOVE IT. Especially when its directed towards me personally. But what is this obsession about me using my car to get places? Isn't that what they're for? Why did I bother buying one if you can't use it?

    For the record, I also leave all the lights in my apartment on and I crank up my AC when I'm not there, I eat red meat, I speed, and tell (harmless) jokes about minorities, gays and fat people.

    That's right. Take it in... take it all in...

    But seriosuly, yes, I do walk when its nice out just like I said. If it's cold or super humid (which to me is DC 9 out of 12 months), I'm going to spend as little time as possible outside. Sorry that bothers you, but you should know it doesn't bother me. I imagine any other normal person would prefer driving than walking through ice-rain so get off your high horse. God I hate bicyclists. They've never forgiven me for slamming them for being complete fucktards.

    And keep in mind, NOTHING I say should be taken seriously. EVER.

  8. What is up with these comments? Has no one noticed that it's rained about twelve thousand inches in the past few days? I don't blame him for driving to the gym either. It's not a sunny day in May.

    PS It's been weeks since a body turned up in the Potomac. Drink up!

  9. If there is one thing I can appreciate about this inauguration brouhaha, it's that for one shiny, bright day, DC is doing its level best to keep out Virginians.

  10. As for the Toxic Lake - let me bitch. I'm tired of up stream farmer dumping their animal poo in the rivers and affecting downstream cities. It happens everywhere. It's not like DC is polluting the Potomac -- we just get to smell it.♠

  11. "DC is doing its level best to keep out Virginians."

    I love you.

  12. Given the rain lately, I can almost guarantee that the antiquated DC combined sewer system is in a state of overflow, and every turd from every flush is going unfiltered directly into the Potomac.

    So, I will place my vote on the Toxic ticket.

    And now excuse me while I go pinch a loaf. To those of you crossing the bridges back to VA in tonights rush hour, keep a sharp eye out... you might be lucky enough to spot my donation to the Potomac!

  13. We all love to hate. That's why we love this site!

    Urban car drivers cry out to be razzed though. If just one mouth-breather realizes she is driving for no reason (going to chain stores in slave-state suburbs to buy pro-wrestler beanie babies and Miss Kitty hair mouse?), then the world's consciousness is a notch higher, right?

    Fifteen percent of DC is Metro accessible? That's a great statistic. Keep driving! Statistically you'll be with us the shortest time. (That scary zinger comes from real numbers, from real New Jersey actuaries.) Ideally, you'll drive an SUV while drunk, wearing no seat belt, and yapping on the walkie-talkie you never got as a child in the 1990s.

    Take nothing seriously, take nothing personally. Everyone knows that we cowardly comment-posters write for one another, never for the bona fide blogger—let alone for anyone who makes a difference in the real world.

    We all loathe pedestrians and cyclists. They all of 'em wear tight shorts. They are fit and happy. They get where they're going quicker than the fatties, and don't have to patronize lowbrow boy gyms. Hateful, hateful foes! Fie! I'm foaming at the mouth with, uh, envy.

    I suspect our royal king recycles on the sly, and his red meat is choice organic.

  14. The Post said they'd be closing "all" bridges across the Potomac from Virginia. Does that include the Wilson? Cause, uh, there's that road...what's it's name...you know the one... **I-95** that might need the bridge.

  15. How will you all enjoy your day in DC w/o Virginians if you're going to be inside or out of the area? And what about all the Marylanders that will be flooding into the city?

  16. "And what about all the Marylanders that will be flooding into the city?"

    Check-points at all border crossings between DC and MD would be a beautiful thing. In all seriousness; we'd see DC's crime rate fall dramatically after implementation of those check-points.

    But we'd still have corruption in DC government. Remember the recent scandal involving those tens of millions of dollars that were embezzled from the DC Office of Tax and Revenue? 7 or 8 people were indicted as a result of that swindle.

    Each of those people is (was) a resident of MD. Most DC government workers are MD residents.

  17. If they close the ingress/egress points, how will all the DC-ites (DC-ers?) who live in Virginia get to their home turf of DC? Does geographic location actually have some correlation to reality?

  18. "And what about all the Marylanders that will be flooding into the city?"

    Baby steps, baby steps.