Straight outta south-central Reston

These days, I'm forced to spend most of my days in motherfucking Reston, since that's where my motherfucking job is located. And you know what I've never had the desire to do out here?

Pack heat.

Apparently, though, you shouldn't let the bland office parks and mid-level chain restaurants fool you. MFing Reston is an urban concrete jungle, filled, apparently, with so much danger and gun battles that some people feel the need to openly carry pistols in public.

On July 2, Fairfax County police received a 911 call from a Champps restaurant in Reston. Six men are seated at a table, the caller said. They're all armed.

Dispatchers quickly sent four officers to the scene. The officers were "extremely polite" and were hoping that some of the men were in law enforcement, said Sgt. Richard Perez, a spokesman for the police department. None was.

The men told the officers "they were just exercising their rights as citizens of the commonwealth," Perez said.

Turns out, packing a pistol in public is perfectly legal in Virginia. And three times in the last month, including at Champps on Sunset Hills Road, residents have been spotted out and about in the county, with guns strapped to their hips, exercising that right.

That... is some creepy-ass shit. But also hilarious. They're packing heat at Champps.

Champps!

What do they think is going to happen? Terrorists are going to come crashing in and take hostages? "Give us Southwestern chicken Caesar salad now, or this bitch gets it! Oh, and throw some more of those little tortilla chip strips, too, please."

It turns out that the lawmakers down in Richmond, always known for their careful forethought, reinforced legislation that makes open carrying of guns legal. Now, even local jurisdictions who had banned the practice are forced to allow it.

Virginia statute 15.2-915 now completely prohibits any locality from enacting any regulations on gun ownership, carrying, storage or purchase, except for rules related to the workforce. Alexandria, for example, had an ordinance prohibiting openly carrying guns. It is now invalid.

So, good news, MS-13! You can now carry guns around legally! Muy bueno!

Meanwhile, back on the mean streets of Reston:

Three days after the incident at Champps, a married couple were walking their dogs down Market Street, the busy thoroughfare in the heart of Reston Town Center, about 3 p.m. In addition to pistols on their hips, Perez said, both the man and woman were carrying an extra magazine of ammunition.

So, not only does this couple think that there's enough danger lurking in Reston Town Center that they need their guns. They're also prepared to fucking reload if necessary.

So, who are these deluded fuckjobs who think they need to protect themselves with firearms while grabbing a frappucino at the Tysons Corner Starbucks? Why, it's members of the predictably-named Virginia Citizens Defense League. These inbred fucking Cletuses have taken up the burden of protecting far-flung Northern Virginia from the perilous nothing that was threatening all of us.

[VCDL president Philip] Van Cleave said most gun owners, particularly defense league members or concealed weapon permit owners, are law-abiding. Anti-gun forces "have come to think guns themselves are evil. You've got to worry about the person, not the gun."

I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE PERSON, goddammit. These people are fucking insane wackjobs, as evidenced by their carrying of loaded weapons into Champps. I don't think it's a far-flung notion to think that somebody that paranoid won't fly off the handle. "Excuse me miss, but when I said I wanted the dressing on the side, I wasn't fucking kidding around." BANG! God forbid I should show up for kareoke night and one of these yokels doesn't like my singing. "Dammit, that's not a Toby Keith song!" BANG!

But the best part of all this is how it contributes to my worst nightmare. I work as an on-field official during football games, and I occasionally work Pop Warner, which consists of little kids from first grade up through middle school. The kids are fine, but the parents are sometimes unruly; some of them occasionally drink a little too much while watching their kids participate. The stands are often very close to the field, so we often get some unwelcome editorial comments. My worst nightmare is that Cletus Sr. will get pissed that I called pass interference on Cletus Jr., and pull out his piece. And there I am, in an open field, with no security around to put his ass down.

So, Virginia lawmakers and the NRA: my nightmares thank you. You've once again put the legal power to easily kill me in the hands of the easily paranoid. Bravo.