- Nothing is canceled ever, for any reason, including mechanical failure or danger to human life.
- Metro is no longer funded at all. It just runs on the sheer excitement the inauguration generated!
- Georgetown is sold off to Virginia, but we get the rest of Arlington back to use as a driving range/ dunebuggy course.
- Marion Barry is executed by the state.
- No more schools at all. Michelle Rhee will just go to every child's house and tell them what they should know in fifteen minutes. Problem solved.
- Hand guns are allowed in the District, but only if you are also legally drunk while carrying them.
- EMS workers receive further fifteen minutes of training by Michelle Rhee, allowing them to correctly identify the torso 60% of the time.
- The Palisades neighborhood is bulldozed and turned into gritty urban set for the next season of 24.
- License plate motto is changed to “Not paying taxes any more, thanks.”
- Liquid water is no longer allowed to freeze into the crystalline state, through sheer mental flintiness.
1.29.2009
Getting Flinty.
It's time to get flinty, according to Black Jesus. I offer the ten ways in which it's time for DC to get into the spirit of things (exactly what that spirit entails is unclear as of yet, but let's be as American as possible and just wade in without knowing what is going on or with regard to the consequences. Hurray!).
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Oh, Badger. Your awesomeness never ceases to amaze.
ReplyDeletePS I have been calling him Black Jesus ever since I heard you call him that earlier this week. It's so perfect.
ReplyDeleteWhat about a tax recess to Districtonians who bother to throw a teaspoon of salt on their bit of sidewalk. Or is it a sport here to watch your neighbors break their shins in front of your house?
ReplyDeleteI kinda though BJ meant 'flinty' like 'tough,' you know, able to handle the elements. Your list equates 'flinty' with 'godlike.'
ReplyDeleteWhy you picking on Michelle Rhee? That little Asian broad is just trying to bring some good old fashioned HORSE sense to the District.
ReplyDeleteI like her. She reminds me of Andy Rooney or that guy from the Quaker Oats Commercials.
Obama's trying to be like he got Quaker Oats but I ain't buyin' it.
Michelle Rhee reminds me of Wilford Brimley!
ReplyDelete'Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses Wilford Brimley Off More'
A big El-oh-el.
ReplyDeleteYeah, 'cause I'm really going to take coping with the weather advice from a guy who doesn't even have to leave the f**king building to go to work.
ReplyDeleteBTW, did you know that Obama can walk on water?
It doesn't matter that he works in his house or that his daughters get escorted to school. When his family lived in Chicago, they braved weather like DC's plus some. So they have already practiced what they are preaching.
ReplyDeleteAnd why be upset with Obama for stating DC's unpreparedness for bad weather. Half the transplants to DC feel the same way, and we also have to commute to work, just like you.