1.26.2009

The Topic Sentence Sums It Up

"Nightlife in Washington may bring to mind badge-festooned staffers from the Hill getting jiggy with retro rock, and if they are really going for it, repurposing a necktie as a bandana."

party people

LOL! Oh, New York Times! I couldn't have summed it up better myself and I LIVE here! Go figure!

Oh, but hold on. It seems there's more to this article than what may be the most accurate topic sentence of all time. Let's see...

"But then you remember the District is home to one of the best nightclubs in the world, a place where Bob Dylan, a favorite of the incoming president, has been known to play unannounced shows, where Bob Mould of Hüsker Dü fame occasionally spins records, the kind of joint that will warm up the night before the inauguration with a double bill of, get this, the Beastie Boys and Sheryl Crow."

Hmm. I have two observations from that paragraph. Firstly, ew -- Sheryl Crow. And secondly, this reporter must be referring to the 9:30 Club.

"In a once bereft part of town in the former WUST Radio Music Hall at the intersection of 9th and V Streets, the 9:30 Club (so named for its former location at 930 F Street NW) is a bar with remarkable sound -- you feel as if you're sitting inside a good guitar -- great sightlines and a reputation among all kinds of acts as a musician's club."

Aha! I love being right (because I rarely am). And, in a surprising twist, I will not disagree with this reporter (except for his appreciation of Sheryl Crow). The 9:30 Club is pretty tight: the stage is really high off the ground; the sound is good wherever you decide to stand; there are four bars scattered about three levels; the tickets are fairly priced; and it's in a really easy-to-bike-to location for me.

But let's return to that first sentence. You know, the one that points out how DC is full of "badge-festooned douches, er, staffers." This is a problem. A big problem. In fact, the crowd is usually so gigantic of a problem that it negates all of the aforementioned awesomeness noted by myself and the New York Times (except for the whole Sheryl Crow thing). And this is why we (royally) hate DC.

While the city -- and in this case, the 9:30 Club -- has much to offer physically, its soul is bereft of genuine awesomeness because of the enhanced douchebag quadrant. In other words, its soul -- to no fault of the club's own, or perhaps even the physical city's -- is rooted in douchery. That is, large crowds here (eh, and individuals, too) largely blow.

And while I have some personal and specific examples of how a reject crowd regularly effs up shows at the 9:30 that you can read here, here and here, I won't spend the majority of this post slyly (or maybe just shamelessly) self-promoting. No, no. Instead I will simply provide a general three-step guide for future show-goers about the proper way to conduct oneself at a concert so as not to end up on some bitch's obscure blog that she is (now totally shamelessly) promoting on a slightly less obscure blog. Or something. So without further ado...

1) Shut the f*ck up. Stop effing chatting about your boring life loud enough so others can hear. If you want to do that, go to Adams Morgan. Haven't you heard? It's the new Georgetown.

2) Move your office ass. If you show up to a concert that's meant to double as a dance party, don't just stand there like an asshole drinking beer and getting fat. Move a little. It's good for your health, and by "health," I mean two things: Exercise is good for you, as is me not punching you in the face.

3) Have fun. I know it's a wild, wholly unconventional idea here in the District, but there's nothing wrong with having fun. Or at least pretending to. It doesn't take a genius (trust me on that one as I speak from the experience of being an idiot my whole life, obviously) to understand that a concert is meant to equate to a good time. So, unless you're at a Sheryl Crow show, please to turn that frown upside down, as they say. Oh, and maybe take the goddamn name-tag off, douche.

21 comments:

  1. A lot of companies advise employees and visitors to remove their lanyards and conference attendee badges when leaving the building--for safety AND fashion.

    ReplyDelete
  2. According to muzac stations at grocery stores everywhere, all Sheryl Crow wants to do is have some fun until the sun comes up over santa monica boulevard... over and over and over and over and over again. All I want to do is gouge my ears out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think items 2 and 3 can be more efficiently condensed into one item.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I gave up on a good DC concert experience years ago. Regardless of where it is at. I go into them now knowing that no matter what, someone is going to get a drink in their face because our dancing is knocking some fratastic guy's girlfriend's Coach purse around. I used to get my hopes up with every new band we went to see. Now I just watch footage from concerts in cool towns on YouTube where people in the crowd actually seem to give a hoot.

    One exception, the Faint at the 9:30 club. That night nearly restored my faith.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I damn near got into a fight...well, alright, I might have *actually* gotten into a fight...at the 9:30 club due to the RAMPANT douchebag behavior taking place in the area to my left, which included but was not limited to: an asshole repeatedly shoving up against my roommate, flailing his arms around hitting all of the people surrounding us, hitting my roommate in the face/hands/back with said flailing arms, and dumping not one but TWO beers on her. Hey, y'all? A Dandy Warhols concert is not the place for moshing or...whatever the hell kinda dancing he thought he was doing. Also? In public is not the place to be so drunk you're barely upright. (Though, when I shoved his ass to the floor once, twice, three times? No long upright at all.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. 9:30 Club sucks...Lawrence, Kansas has better venues.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hear Lawrence actually kicks TONS of ass.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The only problem with the 9:30 club is transplant hipster dancing. no one wants to see your body spasms.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Everybody knows that in order for one to get the true non transplantn DC nightlife experience, one must travel to either NE or SE or PG COUNTY.

    You aint gonna find many white douchebag transplants over in those nice, fine establishments over there.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The transplants have already taken over NE. See: "H Street NE"

    ReplyDelete
  11. Jeez! You need to jerk your ass at a skeezier club that knows how to rock! What else do you expect from9:30 other than remnants of Wu-Tang and Lisa Loeb?

    In all fairness though, DC did price out the greatest afterhours party in the city. R.I.P RED.

    ReplyDelete
  12. littlemissme - I think you're missing the point. YOU are the douchebag that real music lovers at the 9:30 club hate. When I come across people of your ilk there who think they know how people should act at a rock AND roll concert, I will most certainly take every chance I can to bump into you, step on your foot and knock your grey goose and tonic out of your hand. Go stand on the mezzanine if you don't want to get knocked into. Stay at home and listen to the Dandy Warhols on your iPhone if you don't like people around you having a good time. Meanwhile, go eff yourself for liking the effing Dandy Warhols.

    ReplyDelete
  13. littlemissme - I think you're missing the point. YOU are the douchebag that real music lovers at the 9:30 club hate. When I come across people of your ilk there who think they know how people should act at a rock AND roll concert, I will most certainly take every chance I can to bump into you, step on your foot and knock your grey goose and tonic out of your hand. Go stand on the mezzanine if you don't want to get knocked into. Stay at home and listen to the Dandy Warhols on your iPhone if you don't like people around you having a good time. Meanwhile, go eff yourself for liking the effing Dandy Warhols.

    ReplyDelete
  14. littlemissme has transplant written all over her. She currently lives in Silver Spring for God's sake. And, she likes the Dandy Warhols. It is all just too telling.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Transplant or local, if you repeatedly spill a drink and act like a prick, you deserve to get your ass knocked on the ground and stomped on as far as I'm concerned.

    ReplyDelete
  16. The transplants have already taken over NE huh?

    Wow 1 whole street.
    Big fucking deal.

    ReplyDelete
  17. There is a difference between dancing at a ROCK AND ROLL SHOW and acting like a prick. I have a feeling that anything that invaded littlemissme's personal space on the freakin' general admission floor of a concert venue would be met with the reaction she described. Because that is the kind of person she clearly is.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Srsly, littlemissme...I have to agree with A and Patrick. You totally missed the point of the post. You are the people that we can't stand at shows. The ones who get all riled up because people around you are trying to have a good time. You know what, it's a rock show for gods sake. Jump around, flail your arms, sing along. That's what you're supposed to do.

    ReplyDelete
  19. @ A, Patrick, and Michelle: Oh, I am definitely a transplant. I don't mind admitting it. I come from Greenwood, Arkansas, and I'm damn grateful to live somewhere, anywhere else.

    As far as knowing how to act at a concert, I was dancing myself. This douche? He was *flailing* his arms around. He was being possessed by the spirit of...something. Something that was *not* the Dandy Warhols. He wasn't the first person to spill a drink on us, nor the last. He was just the only person to do it on purpose, again, just to see what she (my roommate) would do. In a sea of people he and his two equally drunk and obnoxious friends were the only ones acting that way. Everyone around us was pissed as he fell back and pushed, shoved, hit, tons of us.

    And hey, y'all? I expect to go home from a concert with trampled feet and beer in my hair, that isn't a big deal. But when you do that shit *on purpose* because you're a) too wasted to remember a little thing called boundaries and b) the kind of obnoxious fucker who thinks it's funny to provoke people, I'm gonna get pissed, and I think rightfully so.

    Also, of course I live in Silver Spring. You think I can afford a nice place in the city? I live on the border and it's close enough for comfort. Any closer to Rockville and I start to get scared I might pop out two kids and start driving a minivan.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for the explanation. I've only been to 9:30 once, and all the douchebaggery turned me off. I thought the lack of dancing and general fun-having were emo/indie kids that wouldn't know a good time if it kicked them in the ass at a punk show.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I must have missed the fine print on the ticket that said dancing is MANDATORY. I come to hear the music live because that is such an awesome experience. The type of music that gets me moving is something more like R&B and rap and that is not the stuff I see at the 9:30 club. I definitely don't do what seems to be defined as dancing there. That sort of jumping up and down or doing dances similar to that on The Breakfast Club is just not how I move. I'm cool with folks dancing around me but I actually do go to the upper level simply because it is less likely to be taken over to those who look like they are having a seizure or mimicking a pogo stick.

    Before you say it no I am not a transplant.

    ReplyDelete