Nice try, Examiner. Come back when you're more crazy.

Still futilely trying to win the hearts and minds of Washington's Richie Riches: it's the Examiner! (And I promise to call it "Examiner" and not "Express" throughout the whole post this time.)

What are they advocating now? What does whitey want? (WDWW?)

Let's see... property taxes are too high. A.k.a., "Boo hoo, my house's value went way way up last year!" Always a popular subject. Of course, homeowners already get a tax break on mortgage interest. I'm not so lucky with my monthly rent, which, BTW, further restricts my ability to afford a house in the future. That's essentially an extra tax on renters, who have less equity to begin with.

But don't worry about that. This editorial will certainly appeal to rich homeowners, who love to be told they shouldn't have to actually pay taxes. So, well played, Examiner.

But not well-played enough! The Times fires back:

Any parent with a child in a public school has likely discovered our education system is little more than a means by which liberals indoctrinate children with socialist ideology.

If this seems a radical assertion, I assure you it is not. In fact, examples abound indicating its accuracy.

Take the "community box," for instance. How many elementary school kids across the country show up the first day of school, only to have their brand-new supplies pilfered by their teacher and thrown into one big box, to be distributed henceforth as said teacher sees fit? (Karl Marx also had very little regard for private property rights.)

OMGGGG!!! That is balls-out insane!

See, you just can't compete with the Times. The liberals in our public schools are teaching kids a socialist ideology. Of course! Why didn't I see it before? It all makes sense to me now. Gallagher is funny.

Advantage: Times. Personally I thought we were, like, over socialism as a threat to our Christ-fearing society, but you can't fault the Moonies for going for an old standby. We're all winners with the Times around. Err, I mean... a few of us are winners. Otherwise it's socialism.

Quick shout out...

to these two blogs for helping me out.

If you miss a day, you miss a nothing

A lot of people in Washington got a snow day or two last week. And yeah, it probably wasn't necessary. We got a lot of snow, but none of it really stuck to the roads because the temperatures stayed high.

But, still: snow day! The normal human reaction should be: DUDE! Or, perhaps even SWEET!

Ooops, not so fast! This is Washington. The proper reaction is to bitch about how much better they are at dealing with the snow up in "New" England. (Wow, I'm shocked that a region with a snowier climate handles snow better.) The reasoning being that we're wimps and we suck for taking a day off, because we're wasting a billion dollars and there are bureaucrats starving in China or something.

My favorite part:

The essential lesson of welfare reform, of school reform, of corporate reengineering is that if you set expectations high and give people the necessary tools, they will rise to the challenge. Consistent with the Bush administration philosophy, that insight should guide a new strategy of preemption when it comes to snow.

Ohhh, it's all clear to me now! Our inability to handle snow is solely the fault of filthy liberals. OF COURSE. FUCKING BRILLIANT. I'M GOING TO GO SHOVE ICE PICKS THROUGH MY EYELIDS.

I love it. Even a snow day acts as a vehicle for political blame in this town. Genius.

Can't a snow day just be a snow day? I, personally, left work early Thursday. (I've already lost one car to snow-driving idiots; I need to preserve my one remaining car.) The day wasn't a total waste; I got some phone errands done at home. And you know what? Even if I take off one day, that's OK, because there are still INFINITY NUMBER OF DAYS IN MY LIFE LEFT TO WORK. I think I can take half a day off without upsetting the delicate circle of life.

Besides, let's not kid ourselves: nobody in this town actually does anything useful. You know what the FCC did when it got back to work? I'll tell you. What they did. Or maybe CNN will.

A love scene from the canceled TV show "Angel" that showed a female character turning into a vampire and biting her partner's neck did not overstep federal indecency rules, the Federal Communications Commission ruled Friday.

It was one of two scenes from a November 2003 episode of "Angel" that were not "sufficiently graphic or explicit to render the program patently offensive" by contemporary standards, the FCC said in denying an indecency complaint from the Parents Television Council. [Bunch of fucking prudes. -ed]

One scene involved Angel in an intimate moment with a female character in which Angel's hips are seen "moving back and forth," the Parents Television Council said in its complaint.

In the scene depicting the female vampire biting the neck of her partner, also a vampire, both characters had clothes on and "their breathing is heavy," the complaint said.

(Actually, if you must know, it was Spike and Harmony, not Angel.)

So, there you go. Heaven forbid the FCC take off a single extra day off work, for they would not be able to come to the conclusion that it's OK for me to watch vampire sex.

Congratulations, Washington! You have snow snobs, PTC prudes, and vampire sex adjudicators. And they all do their part to keep the world turning.

Terrence Brown has the Worst Day Ever

Oh man, did you guys read about this Club U stabbing? I didn't realize until today exactly how fucked up the whole situation was.

According to witnesses, this guy, Terrence Brown, was partying in the crowded club. He apparently bumps into another guy. The guy he bumps into obviously has no recourse but to stab Brown. Brown is supposedly wounded enough to be bleeding all over the walls. The club bouncers spring into action! ... They throw out the now-bleeding Brown. In fact, just for good measure, they dump him in the lobby.

Then, the best part... the paramedics show up to attend to the bleeding guy. They get shot at.

Ahhh, now that's the D.C. I know and hate. This story has all the unprovoked ultraviolence you could possibly ask for. That's what I'm talkin' about. Enough of this "can't even scrape together 20 homicides by the end of February" nonsense. Time to get back on track.

(Seriously... who shoots at the paramedics? "Oh wow, those guys are probably here to help that wounded guy. I should pop a cap in 'em." Only here.)

38B! So what... is that all that you've got?

I went to Georgetown last night! I was even a good citizen and took the bus like DCist wanted me to. It turns out that 38B, the bus that goes from Ballston to Farragut Square through Georgetown, passes somewhat near my place.

We got there no problem. Ate some Pizzeria Paradiso. Shopped for some books. Tried to ignore all the awful Georgetown trust-fund babies, whose mere presence makes me want to claw off my face. Then, at 9:15, we were ready to go home. Oh, too bad... the next bus doesn't come until 10:04.

OK, it's obvious I was spoiled by London. We stayed there a couple weeks last summer, in Shepherd's Bush, an area situated just west of the main city center (not unlike Arlington). We would always tube or bus to get around. The bus into the West End would come at least every five minutes. We just missed one once, and said, "Should we wait for the next one?" By the time we hit the question mark in that sentence, the next bus was already in sight. Plus, they're all double deckers, which is clearly awesome.

So here, on a Friday night, when there are actually people hanging around in Georgetown, the bus back to Arlington apparently runs only once per hour. OK, I realize that, for my wife's heinous crime of picking an apartment in Arlington before we moved here, we're not welcome over the D.C. border, all of 1.5 miles away. Especially in Georgetown... I'm surprised they haven't blown up the Key Bridge yet, just to keep me out. I feel lucky if they let me in half of those stores. "Sorry, sir... we don't let your kind in here."

But really... once per hour on a busy Friday night? That's not gonna cut it. I guess it's proof that Metro is intended mostly for workday commutes, not recreational use. And yeah, there's not a whole lot going on here on the weekends anyway. But maybe that's a self-fulfilling prophecy... if we provided an easier way to get around, maybe people would get out and do more stuff. I'll shut up now, since I actually know nothing about transportation policy... but I'm just sayin'. It could be a lot better.

Samma-wha?!

"Panel names Metro nation's best!" It's true!

Nevertheless, Mr. Mulhern called Metrorail "the best running [rail] system in the United States, flaws, warts and all."

Um... excuse me... did every other rail system in the country have two head-on collisions last year? Because, in that department, Metro didn't even reach as low as the idealistic figure of zero.

Yes

That was the Post detailing Condi "I believe the title was 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States'" Rice's outfit in a 618-word story/gasm. The Posties might have let the Iraq war "no-WMDs" thing slip through their fingers, but they're not going to be silent on the subject of Condi's boots! Now That's What I Call Journalism!

They're showing remarkable restraint, when you compare it to their 1,400-word team coverage of Mayor Bowtie's new haircut in aught-three.

I can't imagine why newspapers are having such a tough time these days.

I love New York in... February

It's funny how I can spend less than 24 hours in New York, and it totally lifts my mood for the whole week.

First of all, I found parking on the street. On Saturday night. In midtown Manhattan (I have a friend who was nice enough to let me crash on his couch). And that's the second consecutive time I've been able to that. It's actually been easier for me to park in NYC than DC. Unbelievable. This proves that my eternally whiny complaints about parking in D.C. are fully and completely justified. Yay! Justified!

Just spending a couple hours walking up and down Broadway is incredible, even on a Sunday. Guess what? There are people out walking around. Stuff is actually going on. There are a hundred street vendors. Stores are actually open. The city is dripping with vitality... on a Sunday. I had forgotten what that feels like.

First I saw one of those random impromptu street antique fairs, which always has the best stuff sold by random people. Then, I ran into a couple Stormtroopers. Really. On a Sunday morning. This could only happen in New York. (Apparently there was a toy fair going on.) Later, I passed a guy modeling a NASCAR stock car, probably promoting the Daytona 500. That was attracting attention.

Then, I came upon the Virgin Megastore in Union Square, which is like unto a paradise. Downstairs, they have a separate room filled with music of a James-appropriate number of beats per minute. The best part: in said room, lying in plain view for everyone to see, was the Suicide Girls coffee table book.

Oh man... that is absolutely the best thing ever. Can you imagine if that happened here? I can just see a PTCer walking into a Tower, seeing the Suicide Girls book, and raising an unholy fuss until it got pulled. Whereas in New York, if you complained about that, you'd be laughed out of the store. I think it would go a little like this:

INT.-VIRGIN MEGASTORE

PTCer: "But what if my kid sees the book and..."
VIRGIN EMPLOYEE: "Lady, your kid can suck my balls!"

Aaaand... scene. That's how it should be. If I ever meet a PTCer, that's the first thing I'm saying to them. "Lady, your kid can suck my balls." Even if they're a man.

Anyway, I bought the book. Ummm... just on principle, of course.

After a visit to Forbidden Planet, a proper big-city-sized comic book store, I had to cut my trip short to drive back home because I was expecting snow... but the Post and weather.com totally lied to me, because it didn't snow at all. (I should have checked Capital Weather instead; they were on top of it.) Damn you, Washington, you trapped me again!

Oh well, I'll probably be in a good mood for a few more days. Even though it appears to be snowing sideways right now. Hmm.

This is your brain on drugs

You know how when someone loses on The Price Is Right, they play that sound effect of a few sad tuba notes and a downcast trumpet sting? For the lack of a better musical onomatopoeia, it sounds like "bum-bump-a-nahhhhh, waaaaaaaaa."

If there was an adjective to describe that sound, it would also apply to recent events in the life of mayor-for-life-slash-national-laughingstock Marion Barry. First, he was hospitalized with "pneumonia" (wink). Then, a judge ordered his wages garnished for failure to pay a debt left over from his campaign.

And now, his son Chris has been arrested under suspicious circumstances:

When they arrived, the document indicates, the officers heard loud music and smelled "a strong odor" they suspected was marijuana. After no one answered the door, the officers opened an unlocked door, according to the document.

Barry, the report states, then tried to close the door on the officer's arm. Barry, who was apparently alone in the apartment, then put Officer M. Fanone in a headlock and "began striking" the officer "numerous times with a closed fist," according to the report.

Oh man... this calls for some Final Draft action.

INT. CHRIS BARRY'S BEDROOM

[MARION BARRY enters carrying a mysterious wooden box. CHRIS knows he's been caught and looks guilty.]

MARION: You've been smoking marijuana! Where did you get this from? Who taught you to do this?

CHRIS (after a dramatic pause, tearful but loud): You, all right? I learned it from watching you!

[MARION has a sad, guilty look on his face.]

VOICEOVER: Parents who use drugs have kids who use drugs.

MARION: Uh-oh, I'm hearing the voices again.

All the fun of a Puritan society, without the cool hats

Virginia was somehow miraculously shamed into killing the no-low-riding-pants bill. Not that it's going to stop the House of Delegates from crafting yet another Purityrannical bill, which by my count is already the 94th of this legistative session. This one would purportedly "recognize explicitly a right to pray in public places, including schools."

Huh? What does that mean? Praying as in thinking silently to yourself, or praying as in shouting out hosannas during geography class?

"I think the American people and the courts have been saying that the wall in the separation of church and state has gone too far, and it's suppressed -- I'd even say oppressed -- the Christian faith and silenced it," he said.

Yes, that pooooor oppressed Christian faith. No longer has any outlet of any kind to express its love for that crazy magical man in the sky. None whatsoever. And, as we all know, God will get totally pissed off if we don't spend every fucking moment telling him what a really great guy he is, including on government property.

Another supporter is Del. L. Scott Lingamfelter (R-Prince William). "There is now a poisoned environment for religious expression that the founders never, never desired," said Lingamfelter, who voted for the proposal.

So there you go. Unparalleled insight into the minds of our founders. George Mason, Thomas Jefferson... and Scott Lingamfelter.

("Lingamfelter." Hee.)

Meanwhile, let's make the natural shift from government-forced religion to government-forced morality. Yesterday there was a full-page ad in the Post urging the Department of Justice to investigate a company called Movie Gallery, which is trying to acquire Hollywood Video. Apparently, Movie Gallery is the kind of store that might have a back room... from whence comes the porn. The advertisement was sponsored by a passel of "pro-family" (or as I like to call them, "anti-James") organizations, including the Alexandria-based Parents Television Council.

PTC is one of those "only-in-Washington" organizations. As you may know, the PTCers sit around all day watching TV, cataloguing with precise detail all the smutty things they might come upon. That's how they make a living. Just incredible.

And, hilariously, they even post a clip of the "Worst TV Clip of the Week," the one moment in TV that made them the most horny... I mean offended! The most offended. This week's worst clip is from VH1's The Surreal Life; it takes place in a strip club and involves some pretty hot pole dancing. And you can watch it all just by going there and clicking on it. Surreal; PTC is serving some of the hottest video on the Internet. No wonder they get so much traffic.

Anyway, they're after Movie Gallery because of the fear of carrying porn, as well as videos that are rated NC-17. They want the DOJ to try enforce federal obscenity laws, which attempts to forbid the distribution of porn, but not the ownership thereof. (Uhh, how am I supposed to get the porn if no-one can distribute it?) Apparently, the mere presence of a video-store back room and video boxes for otherwise explicit films will taint (hee!) God-fearing children who innocently lay their eyes on them.

Look, PTC. You seem like nice enough people, so I'm going to let you off with a warning this time. I'm a 29-year-old adult. I waited a long time to be able to go to the video store and buy porn. I had to endure childhood, puberty, and being a teenager. I suffered through literally years of staring at the scrambled Playboy channel and desperately trying to make out some kind of outline. And now, I'm a responsible adult male who has paid his dues, and who simply wants to see naked ladies on his TV. What I'm trying to say is:

If you mess with my porn... I'ma be the one to bring it to you.

Let me masturbate in peace, Parents Television Council. Let me masturbate... in peace.

Libertarian girl... was a guy?

Um.

Hmm.

Oooo... kay. So... I guess some guy out there needed attention. Really bad.

And now I feel bad for comparing an innocent Russian mail order bride to Lex Luthor.

(That is surely the strangest sentence I have ever typed.)

Ah, well. C'est la Internet.

Insert coin to continue

I hate this stupid place. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

What is it this time, you ask? Well, you know that toll increase they're proposing along the Dulles Toll Road? The one that would help pay for a Metro line to run all along where the toll road runs now, out to Dulles Airport? The one that should have been built decades, if not centuries ago?

Yeah, as you might expect, the exurbanites are dead set again' it. You can read all about it at the website www.notollincrease.com, which as the URL implies, features reasons why not to elect Ollin Crease.

How dare they make us pay for an infrastructure improvement along the very corridor we drive every day? they say. How dare they make us pay to alleviate traffic and pollution and encourage people to get out of their cars?

What's the amount of the toll increase that has them up in arms, you ask?

A QUARTER.

That's it. A fucking quarter.

Unbelievable. The main opposition is coming from people who have no problem springing for the DVD player option in their Hummers, before driving home to their McMansions which have appreciated in value by like 800% in the last five minutes, and yet they're complaining about a lousy quarter. THESE PEOPLE CRAP QUARTERS!

Mind you, nobody bats an eyelash... not a fucking eyelash... when Bush propses $80 billion in off-budget spending on Iraq. Because they don't have to pay for that. Not right now, at least. But make them spend an extra quarter per tollbooth on building a Metro line that will directly help our community, and they throw tantrums like spoiled children.

God, I just want to give these people Shaken Baby Syndrome so badly. Wait... I figured it out... I'm living the Lord of the Flies! Sucks to your ass-mar!

INS1PID: Personalized Virginia license plates I have hated (special director's cut edition)

Some personalized license plates that didn't make the cut:

Virginia, for example, has rejected tags that would have said "COP KILLER" and "ZYKLON B," the chemical used by the Nazis. The state also said no to "KILL EM."

In Maryland, drivers have applied for tags that read "RAPE" and "ARYAN."

OK, I want to know who goes to the DMV and says, "Hmm, I need a short word or phrase to put on my license plate that really defines me as a person. Something to let everyone know that I'm a lovable, free-wheelin' guy. Hey, I know... let's go with RAPE!!! Who doesn't love rape?"

Painful Commutes Don't Stop Drivers

In spite of increasingly long and frustrating commutes, the survey found that Washingtonians remain addicted to their cars. Three in four area commuters drive to work alone. Carpooling is no more prevalent here than it is elsewhere in the country. Metro is widely admired but largely bypassed, a boutique transportation system that serves a hard-core constituency but is viewed by most commuters as inconvenient.

Our big problem is that we have the wrong attitude toward public transportation. For people to use Metro instead of their cars, you have to make Metro a much more convenient option. You'd have to create a situation in which somebody would be insane not to take Metro.

As it stands, in most cases our Metro is markedly less convenient than driving, even with all the traffic, especially the further out from D.C. you get. When you throw in things like being forced to buy a prepaid card if you're parking, the overcrowding, the breakdowns, slow service, the risk of being arrested for eating a candy bar... it's all a big deterrent, and people stay away.

College Park got hit pretty bad this time

OK, just kidding, that photo's actually from Beirut. Here's what it really looked like. But still, I'll bet you did a double take for a second there, right?

Listen, people. You know I love sports. I obviously love college hoops. I enjoy screaming my fool head off at a game. And this was a great game, and a big win for Maryland, etc. etc. But it's not an excuse to go wreck the town. And it's also not an excuse to bitch because the cops are trying to stop you from wrecking the town.

But several students interviewed yesterday said the police overreacted to what they called good-natured fun. They described a scene in which students ran around cheering, knocking down newspaper boxes, setting garbage cans and couches on fire but not harming anyone or throwing bricks into stores, as they had done in the past.

OK, running around cheering is good. But blocking off US-1 and knocking down newspaper boxes? Setting shit on fire? Congratulations... enjoy your complimentary membership to Future Wife Beaters of America.

Oh, but really, pat yourselves on the back for not throwing bricks into stores. Don't know how you guys managed that kind of restraint.

County firefighters put out at least five fires related to the celebration, two bonfires on Route 1 and three dumpster fires near Wawa and Kinko’s, Bowers said.

Celebrators broke two street signs and threw metal newspaper holders into the street before lines of mounted officers and police with pepper balls, pepper spray, shields and clubs crept toward the crowd.

As two helicopters hovered overhead shining bright search lights on the crowd, police shot pepper spray and pepper balls to push the crowd off Route 1.

Wheezing, coughing and sneezing, students retreated as pepper balls whizzed over their heads, smacking cars and store windows along the road.

OK, well, this basically sounds like a fucking war zone. And of course there are the quotes you would expect in the story which describe the scene as a "positive celebration" and "part of the Maryland experience." OK, you guys have fun with that.

Red alert

Uh-oh, Maryland just beat Duke again. And those poor College Park business owners just got done replacing all those plate glass windows...

When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth

The murder counter just went from 17 to 16. Time to break out the zombie survival handbook.

The Times and the Examiner: Beyond Thunderdome

It's time to once again pit the Moonie Times and the Fundie Examiner against one another for the hearts and minds of boring rich white people, a feature loved by Wonkette guest bloggers everywhere. A little something we like to call: "Two billionaire quasi-religious-leader publishers enter; one billionaire quasi-religious-leader publisher leaves."

First up: beloved deceased icons of greed. The Times fires an opening salvo with an opinion piece that dares to be pro-Ayn Rand. Objectivism? I'm lovin' it! Sample grab:

One of her essay collections had the surprising title, "The Virtue of Selfishness." Looking back, it's hard to recapture how jarring that phrase was a generation ago, when altruism and self-sacrifice were seen as the central elements of an exemplary life. Today, Americans take it for granted that they are entitled to live for their own happiness, without apology.

Yes hooray, you're looking out for #1, fuck everyone else, we know we know. Thank you for making the world a shittier place to live.

The Examiner fires back with a cutting-edge story on how really great Ronald Reagan was. Who needs a special occasion to suck on the Great Communicator's cock? Not us, says the Examiner! My favorite part is the headline: "Reagan still an icon." I hope somebody got to yell "Stop the press!"

Advantage: Examiner. The target audience can't get enough Reagan cock.

Next up: hot-button constitutional issues. The FundEx's turn to go first. They angle for the pro-NRA crowd by spotlighting an attempt in congress to ban a powerful type of rifle. In doing so, they get some choice quotes from why.i.hate.dc favorite Philip Van Cleave.

Cue the nonsensical analogies:

Van Cleave said the right to own property should not be taken away if no one is using that property to commit crimes. "Would you like to give up your SUV because it might be involved in a wreck sometime?" he said. "Anything you've got, they might take away because it could be used in a crime."

Ahh, appealing to our fear of having the gum'mint take away our propert-aiy. Well played, Van Cleave. According to the article, this is a rifle "that can pierce a commercial airliner from 2,000 yards away." I can see how that would be useful for everyday household sniping chores. (P.S.: Mr. Van Cleave, please don't come to my house and shoot me.)

But the MooTimes fires back with that old standby: going way off AP-style by putting the word "marriage" in "quotes" when it happens to come after the word "gay". In case you hadn't figured out the Times' position on the issue, I'll spell it out for you: they no likee the gays.

Advantage: Times.

OK, time for pivotal round 3: the Most Insipid Writing award.

The Times once again goes with old reliable, Ms. Jen Waters. I've been studying the Jen Waters School of Writing Ledes, which requires the following elements:

1. A person's name
2. Their occupation and/or business
3. Their place of residence and/or employment
4. A reason for me to not read the rest of the story (usually a boring subject, or something that would only concern rich people)

Let's check in on her latest opus:

The world of cardiac care has come a long way since the first open-heart surgery, says Dr. Vincent Gott, professor of cardiac surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore.

Let's see, that's 1, 2, 3, and it's about developments in open-heart surgery, so perfect score!

Ahh, but the Examiner has a Secret Weapon in the fight to be the Undisputed Masters of Insipidity. Are you ready for this? (NOTE: If you happen to have "Are You Ready For This" by 2 Unlimited on your computer, play it now to enhance the moment.) It's...

Too Tough For TV.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what Too Tough For TV is. You have to see it for yourself. Suffice to say that by "tough," they apparently mean "bone-chillingly unfunny." Sample grabs:

A new study finds that preschoolers who consume sugary drinks are more likely to be overweight, and parents who consume alcohol are less likely to care.

The government warned this week that terrorists might try to use ambulances as a means of attack on Americans. Glad to see we're accounting for the terrorists' sense of irony.

Marvel Comics has announced the return of "The Black Panther." Originally created in 1966, he'll be the only superhero who attended a party at Leonard Bernstein's house.

In Sunday's Super Bowl, the New England Patriots defeated the Philadelphia Eagles and their quarterback, Donovan McNabb. Somewhere out there, Rush Limbaugh is breathing a sigh of relief.

Umm. Ouch. These really aren't doing anything for me.

Purportedly, these are jokes that were rejected from late-night talk show monologues, although the editors are being rather coy regarding how they got a hold of them. Let's just say that I think Jon Stewart's job is safe. Tell you what: as a public service to the staff of the Examiner, I'm going to try to punch these up a bit.

A new study finds that preschoolers who consume sugary drinks are more likely to be overweight., and parents who consume alcohol are less likely to care. The results will be published in next month's New England Journal of Duhhhhhhhh.

The government warned this week that terrorists might try to use ambulances as a means of attack on Americans. Glad to see we're accounting for the terrorists' sense of irony. President Bush immediately ordered pre-emptive strikes on both the Red Cross and "CJ" from Grand Theft Auto.

Marvel Comics has announced the return of "The Black Panther." Originally created in 1966, he'll be the only superhero who attended a party at Leonard Bernstein's house. [I don't get this one at all. Even if I did get it, I can tell it wouldn't be funny.]

In Sunday's Super Bowl, the New England Patriots defeated the Philadelphia Eagles and their quarterback, Donovan McNabb. Somewhere out there, Rush Limbaugh is breathing a sigh of relief. snorting oxycontin from between Sandra Day O'Connor's breasts.

So there you go. That's at least mildly better. Who says bloggers don't perform a public service?

Advantage: The Examiner. I can't believe they came up with something to eclipse Jen Waters, but they did. Be scared; be very a-scared.

Final round! It's time to play everybody's favorite game: Our Paper's So White.

Examiner, go!

"Our paper's so white, we only distribute it to white people."

Where the White People Are:



Where the Examiner delivers:



OK, nice job. A valiant effort.

Times?

"We're so white, we regularly run articles by white supremacists, including Marian Kester Coombs, wife of managing editor Fran Coombs. We also regularly run ads from anti-Semitic and Holocaust-denial groups."

Wow. That's the kill-shot. Game, set and match: Times. You can't compete with good old-fashioned racism, the way Grandpa Moon used to make it.

That's it for this edition. I'm going to go hang myself. See you next time!

Keep your filthy paws off my silky draws

I was asked by a longtime fan to comment on the whole no-low-riding-pants-allowed bill, the latest attempt by the Virginia House to resurrect the Crusades.

I didn't read the whole thing, but I believe the proposed penalty is that they put you in the stocks, or a pillory. If it passes, you wouldn't be able to show off your Underoos to the ladies, or even have a thong peeking up over your jeans, thus ruining my plans to stage Thong Song: The Musical! locally.

I no longer have any concept of what year, or even century, I'm living in. Apparently, we're years behind the rest of the world at finding out stuff. Low-rider pants? Not that I'm in the know about this sort of thing, but didn't those disappear, like, at least five years ago? Then the Post goes and runs articles last week about big-name directors doing videogames and the comic-book movie trend, which are two more things the rest of the world got tired of talking about five years ago. I had to keep checking the top of the page to make sure my carrier wasn't delivering five-years-ago papers as a practical joke.

How to identify the criminally insane

In my continuing effort to improve life in Washington, I've got a new proposal.

Comic books.

Comic books are a big part of my life. I love 'em. Love the stories, love the art. They don't get a whole lot of coverage in Washington; it's pretty much limited to one row on that Sunday Source multimedia reviews table thingy, which isn't that informative since their grading scale appears to be A through B-plus.

In D.C. proper, there are precisely two comic book shops. They're both in Georgetown (yes, that Georgetown!), and they're both about the size of your average Georgetown hall closet. They're fine stores, and they'll order any obscure new things you want, but there's just not a whole lot in the way of back issues. It's possible that a lot of that business has shifted to eBay, which I do use a lot. For exmaple, after leaving work, which has become a mind-numbing purgatorial punishment due to something I must have done in a past life, I'll be retiring to my bed this afternoon to recover with some newly acquired Mark Waid Ka-Zars.

Washington is not a comic book kind of town... clearly it wouldn't look cerebral enough to be seen reading a comic book or graphic novel on the Metro. Oh sure, people read a lot here, but they have to be seen reading the latest real, actual books. The Da Vinci Code? That doesn't have pictures. BORING!

Or, perhaps the most powerful city in the world doesn't want to be reminded that with great power comes great responsibility. I can only theorize.

At any rate, we have none of the big stores you tend to stumble upon in other cities, like, off the top of my head, the one in Pike Place in Seattle, or the one on Clark Ave. near Wrigley Field in Chicago. That's just how it is, and I can accept that, I guess, as an indicator of a population that takes itself too seriously.

But this particular void is particularly grave because, as it turns out, it has left us uninformed and defenseless against supervillains.

Because... really... what kind of a city would let this man run around in public?



Um, HELLO? Doesn't anybody recognize the obvious symptoms of supervillainy? I'll give you a hint:



This is a serious problem, people. This "Matthew Lesko" has clearly escaped from Arkham Asylum in his Leksomobile, and has been left alone to develop some kind of brilliant scheme to steal something big in Washington, like the Declaration of Independence or the Canadian Embassy or something. We won't know we've been robbed until something goes missing; then, at 2 a.m., we'll be watching TV, and this criminal genius will come on the air espousing his nefarious riddles and puzzles.

"You too can get free money from the government! $20,000 to travel overseas! $50,000 to build a website on hiking trails! Making pasta for the government for $80,000! Hundreds of thousands of dollars a year framing artwork for the government! $5,000 grant to put on a new coat of paint!"

"It's all in my boooooook! All you have to do is call now to order!!! And, solve this simple riddle... Why is a woman in love like a welder?"

Seriously, can't any of you multi-billionaires out there be bothered to bankroll a double-life as a costumed vigilante? Not only do we let this guy run around, but he's even started his own blog to detail his villainous exploits. Now he's just rubbing his life of crime in the faces of sane non-criminals.

Join me next time as we discuss the parallels between Dick Cheney and Lex Luthor. You think that's a heart condition he's always going to the hospital for? Nuh-uh... it's kryptonite poisoning.

Nuke Virginia

That's it. You had a nice run, Virginia. A great history of hatred and bigotry and whatnot. Time to call it a day. Time to start over.

Time to nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

The latest insults to society:

1. Gay-themed high school play sparks protest. In Virginia, huh. Never would have guessed.

Del. Richard H. Black (R-Loudoun) e-mailed his supporters claiming that, in the play, "two male students engaged in a homosexual kiss onstage" and that public schools were "being used to promote a homosexual lifestyle." His son-in-law, Loudoun County Supervisor Mick Staton Jr. (R-Sugarland Run), followed up with a missive of his own, warning of the play's disturbing "indoctrination."

"Indoctrination"? They make it sound like the Masons or something.

I love the "two male students engaged in a homosexual kiss" quote. If the two male students had engaged in a heterosexual kiss, then we have no problem.

2. Benefits for illegal immigrants targeted. Forget for a moment that it's difficult for immigrants to prove to the government they're legal when the government itself is so slow to issue such documents. Here's what your life looks like as an immigrant:

- You get to work 2-3 jobs, probably some combination of janitorial work and fast food
- You get to live 14 to an apartment
- You're afraid to go outside for fear of being deported
- We won't let you or your children attend our colleges in an effort to build a better life.

Other than that, have fun in the land of opportunity, Latinos. You get to clean our offices and serve us hamburgers, but THAT'S WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE.

THIS is how you negotiate a baseball stadium

After years of ignoring the team's threats to move, Miami finally worked out a deal with the Marlins. The team will contribute $192 million to a new $420 million stadium, and is responsible for cost overruns.

Stephen Hunt has the smack laideth down upon him

Hunt said yesterday that he never intended to spark public debate, nor does he want the school's curriculum to change. He said he is concerned that students who believe homosexuality is wrong cannot express their opinion without being considered discriminatory.

So... apparently our problem is we're not tolerant enough of people who are intolerant of others. Homophobes do face an tough, uphill battle in that regard.

You know what also sucks? You can't hate black people anymore without being called ugly names like "racist" or "bigot."

Virginia vs. the gays (yes, again)

I'm so angry. So very... very angry. Dateline: Fairfax County, Virginia.

In a Jan. 30 letter, Stephen M. Hunt (At Large) asked the principals to host speakers with an "ex-gay perspective" and offer students, teachers and counselors literature provided by the conservative group Concerned Women for America and other organizations.

"Children are being taught that homosexuality is normal and natural. It is neither," Hunt wrote. "To state that it is normal or natural is to promote the myth that accompanies the homosexual activist rhetoric."

Oh, but wait. He's not done.

But in the letter Hunt said students often are exposed to the "Will and Grace version of homosexuality." He contended in the letter that gays often suffer drug and alcohol abuse or physical abuse and that gay men don't live as long as heterosexual counterparts. "There are huge ramifications for people who may make a choice to go into that lifestyle, and we should make sure they are fully aware of the entire issue," Hunt said in an interview.

I don't even know how to properly convey my level of anger about this one. Except to break out the emergency huge-sized font.

OMG WTF!!?!! What F***ING CENTURY AM I LIVING IN? 21st, you say? Well in that case, APPARENTLY WE'VE ENTERED SOME KIND OF FREAK TIME WARP!

In other words, I'm getting the feeling I don't exactly live in the most progressive community ever.

Sorry, but I really, REALLY hate when people in charge of schools start resorting to censorship or outright misinformation in teachings; that's counter to the point of education, which is to learn as much as you can about life. To shield students from the world is to do the opposite of education. Which is, I guess, "dumbening."

So, in the spirit of education, could someone please show Stephen Hunt what it really means to be gay? And I'm not talking about the Will and Grace version. I'm talking about the Deliverance version.

(That's right, I'm implicitly advocating the anal rape of an elected official. Deal with it, Internet!)

INS1PID: Personalized Virginia license plates I have hated SPECIAL EDITION: God wants a reach-around

The Virginia House yesterday approved a bill that would create a special "Traditional Marriage" license plate for Virginia motorists.

So, that's it. You win, State Delegate Cletus. The justification:

Delegate L. Scott Lingamfelter, Prince William County Republican who authored the bill, encouraged delegates to vote for it. "Send a message to the commonwealth that you're not ashamed of traditional marriage," he said.

Ha! I think traditional marriage is doing all right. No, the actual message is: suck on this, gay people.

What the fuck is wrong with Virginia? Don't these people remember Loving v. Virginia? Laws prohibiting interracial marriage were only overturned 38 years ago. Time for a why.i.hate.dc... FLASHBACKKKKK!!!

In June 1958, two residents of Virginia, Mildred Jeter, a Negro woman, and Richard Loving, a white man, were married in the District of Columbia pursuant to its laws. Shortly after their marriage, the Lovings returned to Virginia and established their marital abode in Caroline County. At the October Term, 1958, of the Circuit Court of Caroline County, a grand jury issued an indictment charging the Lovings with violating Virginia's ban on interracial marriages. On January 6, 1959, the Lovings pleaded guilty to the charge and were sentenced to one year in jail; however, the trial judge suspended the sentence for a period of 25 years on the condition that the Lovings leave the State and not return to Virginia together for 25 years. He stated in an opinion that:

"Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix."

So there you go. It's all spelled out in a very obvious, rational way. There's an all-powerful imaginary man in the sky who's going to be angry with us if we pair up in odd ways. I mean, duh. We must legislate what we think God wants; otherwise, in 20 years, we'll have nothing to be embarrassed about.

There's no question. Virginia is for Fuckers.

It's a competition to see who likes freedom more

There are two new high schools in exurban Northern Virginia.

First, we have Freedom High School in Woodbridge.

Second, we have... Freedom High School. Again. This time in Loudon County.

Yes, in the desperate post-9/11 race to name everything after something generically patriotic, we have a tie. Thumbs up for freedom; thumbs down for originality, which, in Washington, as we know, must be squashed like a bug.

Ahh, but that's not even the best part. The best part is that both schools are going to take the same mascot name: "Eagles."

That's right... neither new school could be bothered to come up with a more original mascot than Eagles, America's national bird, and the most common team name choice in the country. So somewhere down the road, the state championship could be a matchup between the Freedom Eagles and the Freedom Eagles.

I love this place.

I think it would be fun to mock a newspaper

Oh man, this new daily paper, "THE EXAMINER," is just adorable. Check out its first-ever front page.

Isn't that just precious? I'm pretty sure it's being written and assembled by a junior high school journalism class. Our top story: 62 days until baseball! Because 61 or 60 days left until baseball just isn't as big a scoop.

And also: CELINE! Not just Celine, but Celine with a big ol' "slammer!" on the end, as they say in the newspaper biz. Oh man. If they bust out the slammer for Celine... well, as my brother would say, they're clearly not going to be shy about running over to the glass case and breaking out the huge-size emergency font at a moment's notice.

What's interesting here is that this creates an unprecedented competition between cult leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Washington Times and evangelical Christian Philip Anschutz's Examiner. Let's check out the tale of the tape:

1. Which editorial page can be a bigger conservative fellatio factory?

The Ex: "Hope blossoms where Bush plants democracy."

The Times: "For many Americans Sen. Ted Kennedy has long been a caricature of liberal elitism, the bloated shell of what once was the youthful beauty of change."

Advantage: Times. They just have a way with words.

2. Headline contest! Witticisms go!

Ex:
BABY BELL SBC ACQUIRES THE MOTHER SHIP - AT&T - FOR ABOUT $15 BLN
AND THE PULITZER (NEWSPAPERS) GO TO ... LEE ENTERPRISES
Wow! Maryland 79, No. 22 Georgia Tech 71

Times:
SBC to buy AT&T for $16 billion, create largest telecom company
For Iraqi voters, economy a key issue
Crusade to make roads safer moving ahead

Wow. The Times comes off as a wet blanket.
Advantage: Examiner.

3. Which paper is better at finding out what extremely boring people do for entertainment?

The Ex: Obviously, "Celine!" On being an international icon: "There's no other life, baby." The target audience does like Celine, so they get a few points... but...

The Times: How can you hope to compete with the queen of pointless lifestyle stories, Jen Waters? You can't. Just look at her last five ledes:

"Some people enjoy bird-watching, but Stephanie Bappert likes to look for whales."

"Although some people consider twins to be double trouble, the duos actually are a double benefit to genetic research, says Lindon Eaves, distinguished professor of human genetics and psychiatry at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond."

"Greg Mumma still has his two front teeth, thanks to the wonders of protective hockey gear."

"Sometimes fake flowers are even better than the real thing, says Shery Massey, designer at Annandale Designs N' Flowers."

"John Sherrill said he has been praying in languages unknown to him for more than 40 years."

Sorry, Examiner. You can't even hope to contain the awesome journalistic artistry of one Ms. Jen Waters. You're going to have to pull a Charles Foster Kane and hire her away if you want a shot at this category.

Advantage: Times.

(Ahh, Jen. You still have a job. I hope you get down on your knees and thank the True Father every day.)

No question, this is defintely a brewing rivalry. Stay tuned.